“My mother went out and bought a house without telling him.”
My aunt did that but they weren’t anywhere near retirement age (40ish.) My uncle was like whatever makes her happy.
^^^ my brother-in -law bought a lot of land when my sister was visiting me about 10 years ago. They built HIS dream house with the agreement that she had the final say on the details ( cabinets, window treatments, etc )
The house is lovely , but their former house was in a nicer location. The newer house is on a private street on a lake, which of course sounds lovely . The reality is, they have a heck of a time when it snows because they have to pay for the entire street to be plowed since the only other home there is occupied only in the summer and the owners couldn’t care less how deep the snow gets.
And it is in an area that it experiencing a very serious heroin problem ( HBO just aired a documentary about it ) and there is an empty lot where it has become a meeting spot for addicts to score their drugs.
Years ago, GMTspouse came home w a brand new luxury car. It wasn’t a secret purchase. It was parked right on our driveway the day it was bought. It wasn’t a “revenge purchase”; GMTsp said the deal was simply too good to pass up. I went ballistic over how such an expensive decision could be made with zero consultation with me. It was the first of several sizable splurges on ad hoc “great deals”. They get me very upset.
Midlife crisis purchases?
my spouse has very little interest in family’s financial state. Perhaps because at work financial (BIG) dollars are brought up every day; and our finances are piddly compared to that.
It would be certainly very very easy for me to sneak money or financially cheat as i take care of all of the books . . . but no need to. However i did buy a hot tub once without discussing it all. Still getting ribbed about that one.
Do the SAHM/Ds here squirrel away cash (either for a rainy day or for self)? Being entirely reliant on another individual bringing home a single paycheck seems really scary.
This is legit. File it under biochemical research and it’ll be fine. 
Seriously, much more above-board than an account of a former supervisor turned friend’s account of his brother’s practice of charging dinners and other personal seeming expenses to his company/state. and saying all he needed to do to legitimize it was to mention profession related jargon once as a talismanic chant and it’s legit*.
- I.e. Saying "depositions" or "deposing plaintiff/defendant" if the host is a biglaw partner working in corporate law/litigation before starting the meal which will be charged to the firm.
Sometimes spouses don’t agree on spending habits because they come from different backgrounds. DH came from a family where buying shoes once a year was a big deal. Me – no. Not the same.
So we also have different perspectives on how much savings is enough. He thinks we’re super-rich. I think we’re barely OK.
Are there SAHM spouses here ?
I am mostly SAHM–does that matter? All our accounts are joint and H prefers that I handle things related to finances. I’m fine with that too, so it’s mostly on me, which works great for both of us. I do earn small amounts most years, but not nearly as much as H (or now his pension). We have elected that if he predeceases me, I will get 55% of his pension, which is the maximum allowable.
The idea of cheating or being less than open would weigh on me (and him) and make me (and him) sad. We have never fought about anything relating to $, nor felt the need to have a hidden cache of funds. Maybe because we both like living well below our income, it has never been an issue. We are both happy to splurge if the desire to do so arises.
Both of us have free and open access to all resources–CCs, checking acct, cash, etc. We have a 6 figure LOC account that we’ve never drawn on and likely never will.
I wouldn’t buy sheets without my husband or someone else’s input because I’m a Libra, and I’d get down to two choices and my brain would explode!
I did once put our house on the market while he was at work!
I don’t need approval from my spouse to buy anything that’s personal and I don’t need to know everything he buys for his use. If it’s something that is for the house (that he will use) then we always discuss it.
I have traveled separately with my women friends and I have bought expensive things (mainly jewelry) without having to ask. I have called from overseas to tell him that he should verify my purchases if the credit card company calls. And they have.
We trust each other not to overspend and we have never argued over money.
Most of my friends and their spouses trust each other and on our trips and we have the liberty to spend (we are all reasonable) without informing our spouses.
The real problems are with people with addictions,like gambling! I have seen people hide gambling losses from their spouses. They will do anything to hide their income/money to keep up the addiction!
@mom2collegekids, my husband is like yours. He dislikes shopping and doesn’t much care what I buy for the house, or for either of us or our kids as long as he doesn’t have to be involved in the purchasing. He’s pretty laid back and has never complained about anything I’ve bought, even back in our early years when money was tight. He knows I’m frugal and will research any large purchase, plus I hate debt so there’s no fear that I’ll run up our credit cards.
Dh’s pay and bonuses are set up for direct deposit and I pay all the bills. He has only a vague idea of our expenses these days and rarely looks at our credit card statements, which are always paid off. I’ve been a SAHM/W for decades. In the early years of our marriage I earned more than he did; it all went into a joint account. We each have access to all bank and investment accounts online and discuss any significant changes to our investments.
I know people who’ve hidden purchases from their spouses, but I can’t imagine being in such a relationship. On the other hand, I don’t feel obliged to tell dh every time I buy something. In fact, it’s become something of a family game to see how long it takes him to notice something new. He’s been oblivious to a new painting, a lamp, etc., for weeks or months and then insists he couldn’t have overlooked it for so long. (After which, he seems to feel compelled to say something nice about the item.)
I am a SAHM (of 7) out of workforce for 20+ years. I do a little very part-timey work like tutoring, renting out my basement.
So I’d say I am completely dependent on H’s income. (Good income/long hours). H has no interest in money and neither of us are spenders–though H tends to be somewhat impulsive and unrealistic about what we can afford. Early in our marriage he turned over all finances to me–because he knew we’d both be better off if I was in charge of that.
Everything is joint–except I do have one small checking account that is in my name only that I use for grocery/debit card. (Would’ve been a joint account, but H never bothered to go sign papers to add himself to it. . .) H doesn’t care to pick out things for the house, or even cars! I wouldn’t buy anything big, though, without discussing it, or at least telling him about it. I do all the shopping. H will occasionally stop at Walgreens/CVS on his way home to pick up something–and then he will impulsively buy some odd junk. It will annoy me that he’s wasting $. I have to stop myself from criticizing him about little things like this. It’s HIS money, after all (he NEVER says this to me). And he doesn’t really have any expensive hobbies or want anything. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t want to buy a boat or some big thing just for himself. We are not materialistic people at all. H drives a rusty 15yo car and doesn’t care. He would give away too much to charity–if I didn’t stop him. Our big splurge is putting our kids through college. And we’re only halfway through with that.
I’m happy to admit that I kept a small inheritance in only my own name so that Happydad’s whim of that moment (picking his own stocks for investment purposes) didn’t burn it down to nothing. At that time, he wasn’t too clear on the whole notion of an emergency fund that had to be kept in a safe, liquid investment, but was willing to accept that it was OK for me to decide what to do with my mom’s money, and he never quite understood how much money was there anyway. That stash made it possible for us to survive the 16 1/2 months he was out of work. Now he thinks I’m a hero.
I’ve always handled the financial stuff except for Happydad’s retirement accounts and his aforementioned playing with the stock market. Happydad is supposed to know what the accounts are and where the passwords are because I’ve shown them to him umpteen times. And yes everything is in the filing cabinet and everything is labeled and there even is a print-out of the current passwords at the front of those files, but if/when something does happen to me, he’ll probably have to call Happykid who has better search-and-rescue instincts. Sigh. A burglar is more likely to get to this stuff than Happydad is.
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Do the SAHM/Ds here squirrel away cash (either for a rainy day or for self)? Being entirely reliant on another individual bringing home a single paycheck seems really scary.
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I don’t know of any stay at home spouses that do that, but I can see why some would do so. It may seem hypocritical to do that with “marital money,” but when you realize that the working spouse can suddenly start directing his/her entire paycheck to a new singlely-held account with no notice, cancel CCs, empty accts, and leave the SAHspouse completely impoverished…it can really seem like a good idea to have a bit of “emergency money”.
Mr R and I both come from very working class backgrounds. We’re not spenders and we make more already than my parents have made for most of my life. (His parents make more but they had more kids and spend it mostly on themselves.)
I think I’d almost be hurt if he felt the need to discuss every purchase with me. One of the reasons I married him is because I trust him, and especially trust him with money. Even when I went to go buy a car for him (his first car pooted out), he wanted nothing to do with the decision. He told me to get whatever and he’d be fine with it.
He does all the day-to-day shopping like groceries and household stuff but he wants nothing to do with things like furniture, cars, etc.
I really should get some documents together in case anything ever happened to me. I highly doubt he has any idea what bills we have or how to access most of our accounts. He just really wants absolutely nothing to do with the financials- which is fine by me having been raised by a banker.
I am responding without reading all 7 pages of posts.
My husband and I have one joint account, which contains our kids college money. Other than that, all of our finances are separate, including credit cards. This is second marriage for both of us. Early on he wanted separate, and I was fine with that. Even though we don’t share accounts, we share most expenses. And we would probably be “disappointed” if one of us spent a high amount of money without consulting the other.
I think a lot of this depends on how partners entered the playing field . DH and I were dead broke as newly married undergrads in a community property state.