I think DH and I have slowly developed more individual activities, but we do have shared ones as well. He is a runner, and does this a lot. A LOT. I used to run for exercise when in grad school, got away from it for a long while, but got back into it a bit, though moreso doing indoor interval running than outdoor running. I did run 2 races (a 10K, my first race ever, and a 5K, the latter of which he signed me up for without my knowledge!) but am by no means a runner, and certainly not at his level. So on the weekends, he runs with his running buddies (male and female) and then meets me at the gym (when I go), where he stays longer than I do. I try to hit the gym 2-3 times a week which is a big improvement from my old sedentary self. He is more of an introvert; would be happy on the floor with a book or playing with our investments. I am more social, though have grown to appreciate quiet time. I also like wine tastings and enjoying it with friends.
He is into his investment group and walks with some guy friends after a work social hour; I have a ladies dinner group that grew out of our investment group (now defunct) and have gotten back into playing bridge. And he is very into his war veterans activities and computer software users group activities. But we enjoy going out with friends on the weekends, traveling, going out to see the kids/granddaughter and, my favorite activity, skiing. But I no longer like to ski fast or take the big moguls (knees complain about that too much) so when we ski with the family, I take the easier stuff and will either ski with the DIL who is a new skier, or will meet them at the lift lines. I didn’t get enough skiing in this year. Got to babysit more than ski (which was certainly ok) but I do love to ski. We will have to plan more skiing next season. Its how we met, and a physical activity we both love.
Hobbies, no. Activities, yes. We like going out with friends, hosting bbqs and going to dinners both at friends’s homes and at restaurants. We love going on vacation together as a family. We will travel together, and are looking forward to that.
When hubby retires, I imagine we will not do the same stuff during the day. Hubby wants to potter around and fix stuff. I am lazier, but I love being in the garden. We will manage.
We both love the Adirondacks. But of course we go at separate times. I go cheaply off season, stay in a cottage (cook my own meals) so I can mostly hike or meditate near a lake. He stays in a hotel during season and eats in restaurants.
H has no hobbies. I have many. We do enjoy shopping, eating out, and traveling/vacationing together. I also enjoy vacationing without him, alone or with other friends. I firmly believe every single marriage is unique to the two individuals involved, and as long as what you’re doing works for you and your spouse, that’s all that matters.
When my DH went to his 1st annual physical post retirement, his physician told him that the practice could recommend a fine marriage counselor if needed. MD and his partners had found that many of their patients needed a bit of help negotiating the new retiree status and the impacts on the marriage.
"My therapist suggested that being good roommates and good family to one another is a worthy goal for a decades long marriage. "
I agree with that comment. Husband and I are truly best friends so that definitely helps navigate issues and makes it easier to spend much more time together in retirement. A house with some decent space is a plus, too, so we don’t feel on top of each other. I’ve always thought that the current tiny house trend must lead to more divorces.
“spirits & cigars club”
I like the idea of taking a “bad habit” and turning it into a club. Anyone want to join my “eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s” club?
“Why has nobody mentioned CC as a hobby?”
I wonder if there are any husband/wife duos that both post on CC.
Husband and I don’t share hobbies but do share a lot of interests and activities and preferences. We do our separate things and are both involved in separate community work and groups. We do share political beliefs/conversations, enjoy going to concerts and music festivals, travel, movies, binge watching, and such.
I sort of get @deb922 's friend’s point of view, even though criticizing someone else’s way is not okay. I think she’s feeling that she has to change because he just…won’t… and that can feel degrading, especially since it’s usually women who change (please understand that if a woman wants to take up her H’s hobbies, that’s fine, but it sure would be nice if he met her at least part way.) I remember way back in the past, pre-kids and very young, H took up scuba diving. I’m claustrophobic and didn’t want to. My eventual MIL said to me “well, you should; otherwise do you want to be the girl sitting on the beach waiting for him?” Like that was the only choice, and it rankled me. (He didn’t keep it up for other reasons–money, kids, health issue.) Anyway, the message I got was I should do what he wants if I want to keep the relationship healthy. MIL at the time was dating a guy into competitive hobie cat racing and she hated it, but she did it because that’s what he did. Anyway…
As for us now–we have some shared hobbies. We love kayaking–probably our favorite shared hobby, spending time with our kids and now grandchild, taking walks, cooking, reading on the back porch, and just chatting about everything. Both of us are voracious readers and thinkers and have opinions on EVERYTHING, lol. We also both teach and talk about that. We take big trips every few years which we enjoy together --both of us like walking, eating out, museums, people-watching, etc.
Separately, he loves to clam and fish; I love to eat what he brings home. I’m more into biking; he’ll join me on one long daytrip a year. He’s the main gardener though I’ll help out. I am a writer so I’ll disappear to do that. he does write some too but can beat out a blog while I’m sitting there which I find amazing.
So it’s a combination, which we’ve developed amicably over the years.
Once years ago I told H that there was some event that I really wanted to attend (some kind of concert, I think). He wasn’t interested and when I said that I attended a lot of events with him that I wasn’t particularly interested in (sporting events, concerts by bands I wasn’t a fan of, etc.) he said that because he works all the time he shouldn’t have to spend his free time doing something he wasn’t interested in. And that because I was his wife and we didn’t see each other much I should want to be with him regardless of whether I was interested in a particular event or not. Our whole relationship has been pretty much a one-way street, although recently he has loosened up and actually done some things I wanted to do (art museums, etc.).
Lol, I had to look up “hobie cat racing”. Not what I was picturing.
We are both fairly independent. I take an art class, am in two book groups, go to the gym and have regular “girls nights”. I was an active volunteer with schools and related groups and will be working with a new organization come fall. He likes to bike ride, daily in good weather, plays poker in a couple of groups and occasionally golfs (less than he used to) but no other real hobbies or groups. He watches a lot of sports and I really don’t enjoy that, although Sunday dinner in the fall often involves a football game (or red zone for multiple games) in the background. We will watch movies together, but not most shows (Game of Thrones an exception).
Together we love to travel, go to museums in the City, plays or music, movies, bike ride (he has to slow down for me) and do some hiking. Of course some of these are costly so will not be an everyday thing in retirement. We will work around the house together or just hang out. We see friends often. We both still work but when we retire I want to find more things we can do together. This Pickleball game seems very popular and may be something we could enjoy together (I don’t think I have the hand-eye coordination or patience for golf) and maybe bridge. I am not an overly chatty person and I am the good listener, so sometimes I find it hard to find things to talk about. More shared experiences will enrich our retirement.
Yes, if you just have one. For years I’ve been trying to convince a friend and neighbor that lives a few houses down from me that we should buy the house between us for the husbands and kids to live in. We love them, but it would be great to just visit each day and have our own nice, clean space to go home to each night. For retirement, maybe a regular sized lot with a few of those tiny homes would be ideal. One main area with kitchen, LR then two separate tiny spaces each person has to themselves. I would like that arrangement a lot.
To add, luckily my H didn’t feel the same way as his mom (whom I loved dearly; it was just a particular blind spot for her), though he did try to convince me to scuba. I did eventually get snorkle gear to join him in that, which is nearer the surface and much simpler, though we didn’t keep it up (kids soon after, plus H had health issue which bans him from scuba.) But overall, H has grown into realizing that what he wants to do and what I want to do are equally valid.
I will say that H generally has no problem with the activities/hobbies I do have and doesn’t seek to interfere with them or suggest I shouldn’t have/do them. I guess that’s a plus!
It’s a little shocking/sad/disappointing to arrive at this age and realize how you are together though largely apart.
At the same time there are also plenty of time this rhythm works for us. Doing our solo things, touching base for other things, sharing some things.
I try to keep the focus on all that we have and not on all that I wish we had - material or non-material. But it’s not not to want to “nudge” towards “come on! Don’t you want to have some fun!?” - that’s what I would say about my H - he doesn’t really do “fun” - he did at one time.
H & I have separate bedrooms, which we refer to as our apartments.
It started when our youngest was in HS & I had to get up around 7 to take her to school. H’s alarm goes off at 8, & he disliked being woken early when my alarm went off.
The next contributing factor was his low back pain. He got a recliner and shoved it in our small bedroom so he could alternate sleeping in the bed & in the recliner.
His sleep has never been great and he wakes easily. I often felt like I was disturbing his attempts get a good nights sleep.
Then, he started making noises about getting a new bed (mattress). I suggested he get one of those “hospital” beds. Adjustable foot and head to help him sleep in s comfortable position.
He was going to order a Queen, and I said nope, get a twin. Take the bedroom. You have your recliner, your TV & sound system (!!), your hospital bed…I’m moving over to the oldest kids bedroom (off at college).
This has worked out great. We both sleep better and can have our own bedtimes and waking times. We have since made over each room into our own apartments. He has put a desk in his room, and now has it cluttered with various electronics he is tinkering with. I think he likes having a space for himself in the house (that is not in the basement). He can close himself up in his room and watch his movies as he pleases. It’s stuff I don’t like — explosions, gun fire, and screaming. He now has a CPAP machine and is waking up more rested.
I LOVE having my own “apartment”. It’s another thing that has lessened the tension around here. I don’t feel like divorce is inevitable any more. Possible, but not inevitable.
I’m not sure how open couples are about having separate bedrooms, but I suspect it is more common & “normal” than one might suspect.
There’s this saying that I’ve heard from a couple of older retired women… I don’t know if it was the name of a book a number of years ago or just something women used to say that’s not as common as it used to be but it feels like I should drop it here… “I married him for better or for worse but not for lunch.” Meaning… when he retires, he needs to find things to do and not just expect me to entertain him all day (assuming I’ve been a housewife or at least, have been retired longer already).
@Midwest67
For the past ten years I’ve served a church a mile from our house and gone there in the evenings if I needed to get away. Now that I’m switching jobs I will be turning my bedroom into my hangout.
For years I’ve been trying to convince a friend and neighbor that lives a few houses down from me that we should buy the house between us for the husbands and kids to live in. We love them, but it would be great to just visit each day and have our own nice, clean space to go home to each night. For retirement, maybe a regular sized lot with a few of those tiny homes would be ideal. One main area with kitchen, LR then two separate tiny spaces each person has to themselves. I would like that arrangement a lot.