<p>“In all seriousness…Busdriver, are you kidding? I can’t tell, but I hope so!”</p>
<p>No, actually, I’m not kidding, shellz, but I was feeling kind of grouchy when I made my remarks. Now after reading how much pleasure people have taking their kids friends out, it makes me feel like I’ve been missing something. It never occurred to me to push them to take people along.</p>
<p>Some time around middle school, our kids seemed to lose interest in us hanging around their friends. We would constantly encourage them to have kids over, we’ll take them anywhere, friends are always welcome on vacations and trips, kids could stay with us over break, anything. Sometimes their friends would come along, but generally only if we set it up. They seemed to not want us around when they were with their friends, so we completely backed off and if friends came over, we’d say hello, provide the food, and then act invisible. I always enjoyed driving with their friends in the car, as emeraldkity said…they think you are deaf when you are driving, and you get little tidbits of information!</p>
<p>But I really think going out to dinner is not a treat for them at all, and I don’t think their friends would be interested. Plus, the oldest would probably bring a kid as quiet as him (leaving me to make all the conversation), and the youngest would bring his harem (God help us)…though actually I doubt they’d ask people anyways. But maybe I’ll try it, it seems like everyone else here is successful at getting their kids to bring friends, and truly enjoys it.</p>
<p>D2 is not as much into full disclosure, whenever I’ve asked her how she was doing in school, she always said fine, but didn’t think she had too many friends. I felt much better after taking her friends out to lunch. I just sat back and listened to them talk. They talked about their classes (getting back their first prelims), parties they went to the week before, and plans they had for the weekend. All of those kids talked about how much they missed home and couldn’t wait to go home for the midterm break. One thing most of those kids missed was food from home. Sometimes they forgot I was sitting there, but it was fine, I was just happy to be there.</p>
<p>This weekend is D2’s first parents weekend. She just informed me that her friends would like the parents to meet each other - would it be ok if we all have dinner together, plus friends without parents? By the way, Mom, do you think you could make a reservation? (2 days before the weekend) Sure. We are all getting together on Sat.:)</p>
<p>A very good friend of mine had a son studying in France during the Thanksgiving season. She packed up all the needed goodies for a traditional American Thanksgiving Dinner. All except the Turkey - of course. When she tried to get the French butcher to commit to a certain turkey poundage - the only response she could get was along the lines of “the turkey will be the size it is when I slaughter it”. </p>
<p>Anyway, she schlepped all the fixings to Paris and made a dinner for her son and all the other temporary expats who were abroad that season. It is one of her fondest memories and it brings tears to my eyes to hear her son (now in law school) relay the story.</p>
<p>There is a reason feeding people has brought joy, community and friendship across cultures, time and the ages…</p>
<p>Our daughter, the introvert, always includes her BF. Our son, the freshman and extrovert, asked whether people really do that and then said he thought he would have a group of about six friends. I explained that it would be really hard to get a table for nine during parents’ weekend. Five of us went to dinner. Son’s friends are so much a part of him that I love for him to bring them along.</p>
<p>Our D went to college in NYC, where she lived on campus. We live in a suburb of NYC so on occasion, we would go in the city and take her to dinner. She never asked to bring any friends nor did we encourage it. Just never thought much of it. We were more interested in her well being. With that said, we have hosted many of her college friends at our house overnight and even on our vacations. Now that she has recently graduated, is living in city with boyfriend, we have on many occasions met them and paid for dinner. We love doing it!</p>
<p>I wish someone had taken my son out to dinner on parents weekend this year! He’s a sophomore and we had decided not to go up since the itinerary looked the same, he didn’t seem to care and it’s about a 7 hour drive each way. The day we would have driven up was cool and drizzly and I was feeling good about our decision. That lasted until Saturday night when son called and said that his friends were all out to dinner with their parents or they had gone home for the weekend. We’ve always asked our kids if they wanted anyone to join us for a meal or two when we did our yearly visits so I had thought that one of his friends families would do the same :(.</p>
<p>I agree that the college visit meals are very similar to the car-pooling eavesdropping scenarios where you hear things you might not hear directly from your own kid. I love seeing the interaction between my kids and their friends.</p>
<p>Although D’s (and now S’s) university is only 30 minutes from home, we still took D and friends, usually just roommate, out for meals. If we were going to be nearby for a lunch or dinner we would some times include D. Roommate’s parents reciprocated. Last year we met D and her roommate (same one from freshman year) for a 21st birthday celebration. A couple of times she tried to convince us to meet her and a few friends at a local watering hole. I guess she knew parents would pay. :)</p>
<p>A few times D’s friends came out to our house for various summer parties or whatever. A few also stayed for a night or two when they needed to wait for rides during semester breaks. We loved having them here.</p>
<p>We’ve taken S (freshman) and roommate out also. He’s not yet requested that friends come out to the house or stay a few days. I hope he does. It gives us a chance to see another side of him.</p>
<p>Kathiep, totally agree with you. D went to school 650 miles away and decided to fly her home for fall break instead of coming to parents weekend. We had one very sad girl on parents weekend. None of us will forget how lonely it was. </p>
<p>But I am forever grateful for those who did invite her for holidays and weekends home. She loved her school but I don’t know if I would encourage her to go so far away. It is very hard on all of us.</p>
<p>I get ya, Busdriver. I think you might be surprised at how pleased your kids will be if you do the suggesting that they bring a friend along. It shows an interest in their lives, beyond what you share with them as a family. It’s like saying, I want to see you in YOUR world, not just the world we share.</p>
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<p>Go for it! Free food for college kids is manna from heaven! I have yet to be turned down when I suggest getting a bite to eat. Daughter usually suggests it first, then asks if she can bring a friend, but either way, the table is full. Getting them to talk is never a problem…great conversation starters always focus on the sports team, or what classes they are enjoying/finding challenging. I hope you give it a whirl, the next time you get the chance. You might be surprised :)</p>
<p>That said…Kids change and their moods shift with the wind. Sometimes our chatty oldest is quiet and reserved, and our surly middle is a ray of sunshine. Baby is always the same…happy to chat about anything with anybody. So, we keep reaching out, and sometimes we get an indifferent “whatever” response, yet mostly we get an enthusiastic YES PLEASE, GET ME OFF CAMPUS! </p>
<p>Our oldest is 3000 miles away at a Service Academy, and I have to say those local parents are the BEST! They step in and adopt any cadets that are left alone on long weekends, holidays or even parents weekend. It’s almost as if, when you drop your kid off, you don’t lose one kid, but rather gain at least a dozen more. So neat. My kid has not been home for Thanksgiving since he left 3 years ago, yet he has had lovely visits with the families of his classmates. Such a relief for this far-away momma.</p>
<p>When we visited DD during her college days, we always took her and several friends out for dinner and then breakfast the next morning (for those who were up early enough). We enjoyed getting to visit with DD and her wonderful friends, and they enjoyed the decent meals. Several of them made the 6 1/2 hour trip home with her to spend occasional weekends at our house. DD once brought home a French friend for Thanksgiving break so she wouldn’t be left at school alone. We had 20+ people at our house for Thanksgiving dinner that year and the girl took loads of pictures to share with her family back home in France. She was especially interested in the food items (southern familiy here).</p>
<p>At times I’ve taken a friend or two, and appreciated getting to know the friends. Can’t say that I could afford a group, as much as I’d like to be that generous a person. At Ds college, it was usually inexpensive. </p>
<p>I do remember taking S and his from home best friend (different schools at home)out for dinner when they were both in Quito, Ecuador on a semester abroad. Sushi, and it was elegant and affordable, as well as a great deal of fun to have them both together abroad. Friend said, oh yes, we always ask visiting parents for sushi when someone wants to take us out at school. I gulped, and thought about the expense of a gaggle of young sushi eaters in CA. </p>
<p>At freshman parents weekend, the three roomies and I went out with all the parents. I was sad for one mom, flying in from far away and feeling the empty nest, who just wanted to have her gregarious D to herself for the evening.</p>
<p>" It shows an interest in their lives, beyond what you share with them as a family. It’s like saying, I want to see you in YOUR world, not just the world we share."</p>
<p>Oh, they know we’re fascinated with every little thing that is them. And I think that world is one that they care to keep from us. Though we keep trying. I will give it a good attempt though. Unfortunately, S1 is unmotivated by food, after years of us trying to push the tastiest treats on him to gain weight, and S2 has access to an amazing free and ever changing spread at college. I think they go out with us purely to humor us. But I will keep trying to get some others to go along. They are always happier when they aren’t stuck with just boring, old parents, I just never thought anyone would want to hang out with parents other than their own.</p>
<p>“Our oldest is 3000 miles away at a Service Academy, and I have to say those local parents are the BEST! They step in and adopt any cadets that are left alone on long weekends, holidays or even parents weekend”</p>
<p>My husband went to the USAF Academy, and he said over parents weekend, his goal was to get away for as long as possible. Any time he could escape with local parents or his own, he was gone every single second. But then again, there is A LOT of suffering going on at the academies that most college students have no concept of, and there is a reason every single service academy is on the list of 10 unhappiest college campuses! Too much work, stress, lack of sleep and freedom. But a great education, guaranteed job, and the price can’t be beat. It takes a tough and dedicated kid to stick it out.</p>
<p>busdriver–if your kids aren’t motivated by food, maybe something else? We’ve taken our son and friends to a great museum or on hikes. Having friends along is a real plus unless your kid doesn’t want that. Pushing it might not work, but thinking about what your kid likes might!</p>
<p>^^My kids have horror stories (all exaggerated, of course), of all the hikes we made them go on as kids, so that won’t do it. It was easy to motivate them to do anything when they were younger, but at this age they have the ability to do whatever they want, and they have had good jobs so they can pay for whatever they want without us. I think the only motivation for them to want to spend time with us when they visit is obligation, and we really aren’t so bad. If we travel all the way there to see them, of course they will visit with us. But they’d probably enjoy it more with their friends, so I will definitely try that aspect. Yet we travel all the time and can go most anywhere they are, so I think they are worried we might just be there every weekend!</p>
<p>We only get to visit S once, maybe twice/year. We always take a group of his friends out to dinner with us at least one night of the visit (not huge - usually up to 8 students or so.) I love seeing the interaction between him and friends. And, as others said - most college kids are thrilled with a free meal! But we also like to have one night that we have him to ourselves, too.</p>
<p>My parents took my roommate and me out on move-in day my junior year since her grandparents had to leave right after (her immediate family is farther away than I am). Generally, though, I want to be alone with my parents, since I only see them for 3-4 months a year. My other friends are usually gone by the time my parents come up, since they’re local.</p>
<p>The other thing playing in is that they’re generally picking me up at a time when I’m exhausted (Thanksgiving Break, Christmas Break, Spring Break). The last thing I want to do is make conversation with anyone, even my best friends.</p>
<p>We have generally taken our boys out by themselves for some meals and family alone time, and also taken them and a group out as well. We especially try to reciprocate for students whose families have done similarly for our sons, and also to include friends whose families can’t visit because of distance or other reasons–we know the kids really appreciate it.</p>
<p>We have always loved taking our sons and their friends/roomies out for meals. Our conversations give color to the lives our sons are living. By college age, these kids are past the age where they clam up with anyone over the age of 19–we have found them to be delightful conversationalists with a lot of interesting insights. We especially love to take the kids to some ethnic restaurant–especially one with a cuisine we are not familiar with–so that we can try something new together–and it is a great way of breaking the ice and stimulating conversation.</p>
<p>When we have taken our sons and whatever friends they wanted out for a nice meal, they have always appreciate a trip to a grocery store/Target/Walmart so they could replenish supplies while having a car available to shlep stuff back. H and I just go sit in at the in-store coffee place while the kids fill their carts.</p>
<p>And I have been known to sometimes go and buy a few special treats and gift cards, and hide them for my son to discover later in his room. Last time we visited #2 and #3, I bought a couple of new pairs of earbuds and itunes cards, and hid them under the boys pillows–and put gift cards for the local movie theater inside their planners in their backpacks.</p>
<p>"At freshman parents weekend, the three roomies and I went out with all the parents. I was sad for one mom, flying in from far away and feeling the empty nest, who just wanted to have her gregarious D to herself for the evening. "</p>
<p>I can see feeling that way too. I do think it would be fun to see my D with her new friends and get to hear what it going on, but is it possible to do a mix…have a little time on your own with your own child AND time with them and their friends?</p>
But we also like to have one night that we have him to ourselves, too.</p>