Dreaded Co-ed Sleepover

Parent Cafe
181

<p>Well my kids are not perfect, but to me as close to perfect as I am ever likely to see. But I bet every parent here secretly feels this way about their beloved children.</p>

<p>Bay: I am going to assume you meant that as a true compliment. And I bet your daughter at Harvard is pretty perfect too!</p>

<p>It’s nice to meet all of you who feel as I do.</p>

<p>LIMOMOF2: Hang in there! My S had/has ADD. He needed plenty of monitoring (homework, heck, just brushing his teeth) at your son’s age. He has blossomed into a wonderful young man who manages his liability with medication, discipline and grace.</p>

182

<p>Thanks for the words of support, Mythmom. I am hoping that my S is just going through an adjustment period and that once he becomes accustomed to his new school, he will become more organized. I just think it’s going to take him awhile.</p>

<p>Congratulations to your S for growing up so beautifully - living with ADD is not easy. Good job on raising such a great kid, mythmom. It’s nice to know there is hope for my son…lol. By the way, my son doesn’t have ADD - this is a new issue for him. In the past, he was fairly well organized - or at least as well organized as an elementary school aged boy can be expected to be.</p>

183

<p>

</p>

<p>mythmom - I never interpreted what you shared about your parenting style and outcomes as a formula for perfect kids. I tend to fall in the middle of strict and permissive… some parents think I’m strict, others think I’m permissive. Frankly, I don’t think there’s such a thing as 100% strict or 100% permissive. We tend to lean one way or another on certain issues, but I’ll bet each one of us here has areas we are more permissive in and areas we are more strict in. For me, I not only allowed, but hosted the sleepovers. Some parents probably think I contributed to the delinquency of minors. On the other hand, my kids had curfews all through high school. There were occasional negotiations for special events, but otherwise, if they wanted to spend time with their friends after curfew, then they needed to have their friends at our house. Again, some parents thought I was way to rigid, and my poor kids were going to cut loose in college and rebel because I was so strict.</p>

<p>I never came out and told my kids not to drink in college (because that would be picking the wrong fight), but I encouraged them to be safe about it (alcoholism runs in both sides of the family, so I have my reasons for hoping they’ll minimize their drinking). Until D1 turned 21, if she was at home, and had a glass of wine at dinner at 6PM, and wanted to go out at 10PM, she wouldn’t drive. She is not a risk taker, and I can generally trust her judgement on such issues. D2 is more of a risk taker, and has not been home yet, so I have no idea how responsible she’ll be. We didn’t invite D1 to have alcohol in our home until after she’d completely finished her freshman year anyway, so this won’t be an issue for several months.</p>

<p>My kids are not perfect, but I’ve found a comfortable zone in which to pick my fights. And I think that’s what most parents here are suggesting we do as parents.</p>

184

<p>MichaelNKat: Thanks for clarification about “verify”. I have no problem with how you use it. Seems more like “checking to see that all is OK”. </p>

<p>BTW, one very useful tool that is always at our daughter’s disposal is the fake “my parents won’t allow it” line. We don’t mind being the bad guys for her when she wants to get out of something.</p>

185

<p>My friend and her son had a plan…when he was a freshman, if he was somplace with friends and wanted to leave, but didn’t want to be the “geek” or whatever (remember the age!!) He would call her asking about Uncle Fred or whatever, and then he would tell his friends he needed to go cause Uncle Fred was coming in early…this was before he felt confident enough to be straight about wanting to not do something but knew that he really wanted to not be there</p>

<p>He only did that a couple of times, and as he got older, he was able to just say, nope, not for me dudes, outa here</p>

<p>Sometimes kids know they don’t want to be involved, but can’t figure out how to get out of it, with all that pressure so when they are younger, giving them a way out when they want to while still saving face, something they think is important</p>

<p>after awhile, they will won’t need and yes, it seems I can appear to be the meanest parent around ;)</p>

186

<p>My parents never hosted a co-ed sleepover. They were horrified after I told them some of the things that kids said had happened at “well-supervised” parties. When I read other kids’ facebooks, I cannot believe what girls and boys not only did at a “sleepover”, but then were stupid enough to post details and pictures!!!</p>

<p>I would never want that happening in my parents house.</p>

<p>I did not attend these parties by choice. And most of my friends did not either. I can hang out with my male and female friends anytime I choose. Why does it have to be in a sleeping-bag-pillow-case-lights-out setting. Did we miss out on some awesome ‘rite of passage’? I seriously doibt it.</p>

187

<p>I don’t think it’s a ‘rite of passage’. </p>

<p>I think there’s just something about spending all night with your friends (male and female) that brings you closer together. </p>

<p>For my friend Rory’s birthday party one time (I think it was her 16th), we stayed up until about 6 AM just hanging out…playing board games, watching movies, etc. Then we slept for about 2 hours and started over. It was great. Like I said, there’s just something about it that’s so much fun.</p>

188

<p>teriwtt: I agree with you whole heartedly. I was extremely strict in the manners department and respecting other people’s feelings. Probably much stricter than the parents of the kids they knew.</p>

<p>I thought I was fairly strict about school work, but I found out I was just in the middle. It chilled me when a friend told her son whom she found watching a hockey game after studying, “Well, if you don’t get an A, you’re not watching hockey for a month.” Ouch! He had studied and thought he had studied enough. You really cannot ask for more than that IMO. He did get an A, and the mother was not one bit nonplused.</p>

<p>Whenever I was even the least bit harsh (I am often a marshmallow) kids would say, “Did you have a fight with Dad?” Hmmm. Precient or manipulative. I couldn’t decide.</p>

189

<p>My parents have never been strict. We never had a curfew, and were always given a great deal of freedom in most all respects.</p>

<p>I have a very close relationship with my family, and call home to chat every day. It isn’t a dependency issue (I’m very independent, and always have been), but I consider my family to be my closest friends, and so I see nothing odd about calling them up just to talk. </p>

<p>I am glad that my parents were not strict with us, and I think it’s largely resulted in responsible children with a great deal of respect. If I wanted to go to a concert, or a new city, on my own, my mom would make sure I was safe, give me a little lecture about drunk driving and the like, and ask me to call to check in on her every hour, and let her know when I was home safely. She would rarely outright say “no” (actually, I don’t think she ever has…but I don’t think I’ve ever made an unreasonable request of her, either), and as a result, I would always call when she asked, and made sure to do everything in my power to keep the respect and privileges. I’ve had coed sleepovers throughout high school (with no hanky panky) and used marijuana occasionally, and my mother is fully aware of this. While she doesn’t condone it, she tells me to do it in a safe, healthy environment - I think she’d prefer that environment be our own home, rather than an alley or a roof.</p>

<p>My parents didn’t exactly set great examples for us academically, either, and we were never even really told to do our homework, yet we’re all top students. They rarely even looked at my report card, though we do have very close and loving relationships. </p>

<p>The only time their child-rearing approach really seems problematic is when you look inside my room - I’m a complete slob! My parents never made me clean it, and never cleaned it for me. </p>

<p>At the same time, I could talk to them about anything, and I know they’d die for me. They are absolutely parental figures, though this post probably makes it seem otherwise!</p>

<p>My siblings and I are all well-adjusted, courteous (in person, at least ;)), gracious, happy, and close, and I expect to have a similar approach to raising my own children someday.</p>

190

<p>^Exactly. I betrayed my parents’ trust a few times (who hasn’t, really?)…but I think it made us a more close-knit family for it, and I respect my parents for treating me like an adult rather than like a child.</p>

<p>I have my own car as long as I keep my grades up. I set my own curfew, and will continue to do so as long as I stick to that (or call to let my parents know that I will be out later). I have 2 credit cards for emergencies or that I can use as long as I ask first. I can go pretty much wherever I want within reason (obviously my parents don’t want me going to the “questionable” areas of town)…my parents are really good about being available and letting us know that there will be consequences for our actions, but otherwise letting us make the mistakes for ourselves.</p>

<p>My parents do make me clean my room though. XD In fact, I really should do that soon…<em>looks around</em> where’s the desk?</p>

191

<p>The marijuana smoking disturbs me because one kid wants law; the other medicine. If it were legal I would not have this problem, but I am paranoid. Always have been.</p>

<p>unregistered: Your posts have shown that you are a credit to your parents.
My kids are slobs, too, but only at home. Their dorm rooms are perfect! (They both have singles.) They have forbidden me from cleaning their rooms. Just as well, I guess, I’m asthmatic and the dust alone could probably put me in the hospital.</p>

192

<p>MichaelNKat, thank you for the verification! :)</p>

193

<p>Post mortem - Thanks for everyone’s varied opinions, they reflected our own indecision on this topic. We initially said the sleepover should be single sex, then allowed coed with several restrictions similar to those suggested, then in the last week back-tracked to single sex. Ultimately we figured we would be too exhausted to stay up all night keeping an eye on things and absent that wouldn’t be comfortable. Our D was not happy at all with the final decision, but ultimately the evening went over well and she seemed to get over the disappointment of not having the guys spend the night and had a great time with her friends.</p>

194

<p>our son went to many coed overnite parties in hs starting with the marching band all niter at the end of their final competition freshman year. We knew the parents and most of the kids going and did not give it a second thought. Many of the other parties he went to were with his group of friends who were all really nice friends, though we were happy that his girl friend’s parents insisted that she was home by about midnite.</p>

<p>The bottom line is that we trusted him and his friends and figured that if he wanted to do something that would disappoint us he could have done it by curfew at 1am.</p>

195

<p>for me, I don’t care how “tired” or exahausted I might be, we have all had sleepless nights, and the excuse that well, I am too tired to monitor it so it aint happening is irksome</p>

<p>there are parents to spend all night at grad nights, who take kids on soccer trips etc and we stay up basically all night</p>

<p>it is sometimes what parents do, and be thankful to those parents that DO stay up and watch YOUR kids</p>

<p>pretty soon they will be gone, and if your not wanting to do something because it will make you tired is your reasoning, when they are off to college and you have to stay up for noone,and you miss them, maybe you will remember that momeny when sleep took precedent over a one time event</p>

196

<p>Not everybody is willing to stay up all night to supervise parties (maybe they work a lot of hours or have younger kids that need care - they are not necessarily being selfish) - I’m sure all parents have certain things they are willing to do that other parents are not willing to do. There is no reason to be nasty to other parents - it is your choice to stay up all night - nobody is forcing you to do it. Having said that, I would be willing to do it. There are other things I might not be willing to do (not sure what, but I’m sure there’s something) - and maybe another parent can cover for me on that occasion.</p>

197

<p>I wouldn’t stay up all night, nor do I expect other parents to do that. If I can’t trust my own child, I certainly am not trusting anyone else to babysit him as a high school senior.</p>

<p>Personally, I think the whole notion of a coed sleepover is a bad one, but my son has been to a couple (post prom, post cast party) where I knew the parents. I also knew they wouldn’t be staying up all night watching the kids’ every move, and felt comfortable with that.</p>

198

<p>Everyone has their own opinions, that was evident in the variety of responses to this query……no matter, D is a great kid, top student, terrific athlete, super social, very mature and off to HYP next year so we’re confident in the job we’ve done as parents. This was never as much about trusting her, which we do, and certainly not about staying up late, as it was about creating a situation involving young adults including kids of friends, some of whom are dating and sexually active, that held the potential at the least for some of them being uncomfortable and at the worst larger problems. Sure it can happen any time, but we would be responsible for every person in attendance, not just our child, and kids are after all unpredictable. We just felt the risk/reward were not worth it for us. Incidentally, one of the girls that had a conflict when it was coed was suddenly able to attend when it was single sex which told us at least one other parent was pleased with our decision.</p>

199

<p>I just don’t get it. If parents do not wish to host a co-ed cleepover party, because they don’t want to stay up all night, how on earth is that selfish?
:confused:</p>

<p>Why do those who have hosted these events think they are so amazing or self-sacrificing. Jeez.</p>

<p>Also, if you don’t host how does not imply that you don’t trust your own child?</p>

200

<p>because being a parent is about not sleeping…I have not problem losing some sleep, for one of my childrens events…</p>

<p>and I don’t understand the idea of not giving up some sleep for your kids if indeed that is the reason for not hosting an event</p>

<p>if you don’t want to host it for moral reasons, fair enough…but this, well, I will be sooo tired and don’t want to stay awake just sounds selfish</p>

<p>how many times do we stay awake for something BAD…why not stay awake for something GOOD?! I would prefer to stay awake all night and be a bit stressed for something FUN than stay awake waiting for someone to come home, or at someone’s bedside in the hospital…I would do all with whatver energy I had</p>