<p>Good point^^^. I guess it was good that I was so obsessive and did head counts frequently, lol. Now that all 3 of mine are in college or on their own, I don’t have to worry about future evenings, but will pass your info on to friends with younger ones.</p>
<p>“So…younger kids never had the all nighter.”</p>
<p>Not even once?</p>
<p>They certainly had group sleepovers though not coed (as in dating prom couples) and not to the tune of 30 kids.</p>
<p>“Oh, please, Bay. I’m the only parent who has admitted to providing condoms (maybe mini, too), and I made it pretty clear that, rightly or wrongly, I did NOT expect sex to happen at my kids’ co-ed sleepovers.”</p>
<p>I just go by the data. Average age of first intercourse is 15; by 17 we are beyond a standard deviation above that. MOST kids are having sex by 17. (How I managed to get a pair of prudes is beyond me.) We apply my wife’s rule: you are old enough to have sex when you can discuss safe sex with your partner in advance without giggling. (That rules out a bunch of 40-year-olds.) </p>
<p>I for one don’t see sex per se as a problem. Promiscuity? yes. Unsafe sex? YES. Violent sex and abuse? Yes. Teen sex? No more than drinking colas that will rot their bones. (and, in the public arena, I have just about as much effect in dealing with the latter as the former.)</p>
<p>I believe my parents would let me have a co-ed sleepover. Mostly because all of my guy friends are just that-friends. I would never dream about “fooling around” with any of them, and my friends all know I won’t tolerate it in front of me.</p>
<p>Honestly, if it’s a thing between friends, I don’t see the problem. In fact, my parents have been out of town before and told my sister and me that we were allowed to have friends over regardless of sex, but it was 1 person each and if it was a guy they had to leave at midnight. And that was while they were out of town…so like I said, I doubt they’d have a problem with a co-ed sleepover.</p>
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<p>I don’t get this need to repeatedly question people on their choices, esp. on a choice to NOT have an all-night co-ed party. Is someone a better parent for doing the little sleepover? and providing the condoms?</p>
<p>I myself have never hosted one. But I have hosted tons of parties, and always get complimented by kids and parents for the food, games, fun provided. My co-ed parties end at 1:00 a.m. (And not because I am so darned selfish that I need my beauty sleep.) I have also hosted tons of sleepover parties, single-sex, probably more than any other parent in our circle.</p>
<p>I am not dancing on the tables about what an amazing parent I am, and how everyone LOVES my house, and everyone chooses to gather here.</p>
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<p>I go by that data, too (although I didn’t know it was data, it was just my “street knowledge.”) And that is exactly the reason I am not interested in hosting co-ed sleepovers. True, many kids will not have sex, but there is a reason people enforce “lock-downs”, undertake constant vigilance and provide condoms. There is a good chance (based on mini’s hard data) that some of them will have sex. While I don’t think sex is necessarily wrong for teenagers, I admit I’m one of those old-fashioned parents who gets a little creeped out about them having sex “under my roof” while I’m there.</p>
<p>mini, I actually think that your wife’s rule is a good one – most people are incapable of having an honest discussion about sex until their early 20’s, imo.</p>
<p>But I disagree with those who don’t see anything wrong with teenage sex – by that, I really mean sex before college. The emotional and spiritual effects of early sexuality can be very damaging - perhaps not to all kids, but to many, especially girls. It seems to me that it is the male posters who view teenagers (or 11 year olds) as lust-filled kids trying to have sex as often and as early as possible. My view is that girls and boys are very different in this area, as are men and women. Haven’t you heard the saying, “Girls have sex for love and boys offer love for sex?”</p>
<p>In any case – BIG SURPRISE COMING – there were no coed sleepovers in our home during HS. College boy has had friends, both male and female, stay with us – each gender sleeps in separate areas, although I don’t patrol the hallways all night long. I do expect them to behave appropriately while they are guests in our home.</p>
<p>“an alcohol induced “romance” where alcohol was consumed even before arriving at my house.”</p>
<p>Whoa, I would never allow a bunch of other people’s kids to drink or be drunk in my house. If you can’t pass the sniff test, your mom is coming to get you right now. I’ve been taking for granted that we’re talking about sober kids. I am not shy about kicking out adult guests who overindulge; if I had a bunch of teenagers coming over, I might well greet each guest with a breathalyzer.</p>
<p>At my (rich private) high school post-prom rules were a non-issue, because everybody had hotel rooms upstairs from the prom. Pretty much everyone but me was wasted, high, or both. I went home at like 2 a.m. because it was so boring.</p>
<p>so, if you had a drunk teenager come over, what do yuo do? kick them out and then what happens? do they drive, or wander around drunk in the dark?</p>
<p>“But I disagree with those who don’t see anything wrong with teenage sex – by that, I really mean sex before college. The emotional and spiritual effects of early sexuality can be very damaging - perhaps not to all kids, but to many, especially girls.”</p>
<p>It’s an interesting thought…but I don’t see any evidence for it. I think not having sex before marriage is far more dangerous. </p>
<p>Anyway, it really doesn’t matter what “we” think - the overwhelming majority of kids are having sex before college - the median at age 15, and 50% earlier than that (and the majority of teenagers are not going to college until they are in their 20s.)</p>
<p>mini, why do you call your daughters prudes? Based on what you’ve posted, I’d guess that they are bright, perceptive girls who would not want to be intimate with a guy without some stronger emotional connection. Here’s what I think, although you’re right that it doesn’t really matter. Girls are prewired to look for love and commitment. Boys aren’t. Civilized societies modify boy behavior through social norms – works out better for the next generation. </p>
<p>I agree that the majority of teenagers are going to have sex before marriage. But I see a big difference between 15 and 18 year olds in this regard and I don’t see why parents should make that easy – that kind of thinking leads to norms where people don’t have a problem with supplying 11 year olds with BC pills.</p>
<p>sjmom2329: What evidence do you have that “Girls are prewired to look for love and commitment”. </p>
<p>I would submit that girls and boys are prewired to look for sex. “Civilized” societies modify girl behavior through social norms and allow boys to “be boys”.</p>
<p>mini, why do you call your daughters prudes</p>
<p>My guess is, because he is a guy, who was minimally socially successful with the women in high school( which fits many men who are quite successful now) and didn’t acheive his fantasies in college and doesn’t understand why attractive young women don’t want to take advantage of youth/beauty.
s</p>
<p>I also expect that he is using it as a compliment in his mind, although it isn’t necessarily to others.
I know prudes and they aren’t much fun to be around, but I wouldn’t call either of my daughters prudes, even though as far as I know, neither of them have ever “hooked up” with anyone.</p>
<p>I think conservative is perhaps a better choice of words or * prudent*</p>
<p>well, sure most prewired physically for sex, however, girls tend to attach love and commitment, to the sex…thinking that the sex may lead to being a couple…not always, but very often…of they think they are in love, and go for the sex…yes some girls are driven purely by the physical urges, but very often its not just the physical urge that is pushing the sex…</p>
<p>for many female types, not all, but for many, sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum…emotions get all intwined</p>
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<p>As one of the (two, I think) males who have posted in this thread, I would like to note that I have been consistently in the camp of “teenagers are NOT lust-filled kids trying to have sex as often as possible.” To the extent anyone has expressed that view – no one has, exactly – it has been some moms and some of the near-teens. </p>
<p>As it happens, I agree with you that too-early sex can cause emotional problems. But I’ve hardly met anyone in my life who didn’t have too-early sex, regardless of what their parents did to prevent it. And, as I said, making any kind of meaningful dent in my kids’ opportunities to get into mischief, sexual or otherwise, would require that all of us be completely different people. So once my kids got in the range of 16-17, I more or less viewed sexual initiation as something that was probably going to happen whether I thought it was a good idea or not, and I tried to trust their basic morality, that they would be true to themselves and not jerks to others.</p>
<p>None of which has anything to do with six or seven buddies, none of them coupled up, of more than one gender and sexual orientation, spending the night at the home of one of them either before or after doing something that made sleeping there more convenient and/or fun for them and their families. At least in my experience “co-ed sleepovers” and “the sex lives of high school seniors” are pretty much unrelated topics.</p>
<p>“mini, why do you call your daughters prudes”</p>
<p>Because I know them really well. </p>
<p>“Girls are prewired to look for love and commitment. Boys aren’t.”</p>
<p>I think that’s trash pseudobiology, based on thousands of years of men scapegoating “promiscuous” women (meaning they aren’t wearing the proper burkha, or are wearing too much makeup), and treating “their own” “chaste” women as chattel.</p>
<p>Can someone define “prude” in this context?</p>
<p>No. :)…</p>
<p>When I think of a “prude”, I think of someone who is sanctimonious about things that others find enjoyable.</p>
<p>Its especially irritating when they have the opinion, that because they don’t share the enjoyment or interest, that they have " better taste" or are " more cultured".</p>
<p>Bah</p>
<p>I guess I do have a daughter who is a bit prudish, or at least uncomfortable with the notion that some of her friends have sex lives or are interested in having sex lives.
She estranged herself from long time friends, because they were becoming interested in “boys”, without really understanding that, that was pretty much part of many peoples adolescence.</p>
<p>It certainly was a BIG part of mine- but as she reminds me "* Mother, I’m not like you* "</p>
<p>Thank goodness for small favors</p>
<p>;)</p>
<p>I’d have a stroke from worry.</p>