<p>I’m home at 4:00 pm.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The concern may be more about the possibility that two teenagers, neither of which is your own son or daughter, will be having sex in your house, and that you will feel some responsibility for not having prevented it.</p>
<p>One of my kids had a sexual relationship during high school, and I was aware that he and his girlfriend had sex in our house in the daytime. I didn’t attempt to prevent this; I didn’t disapprove of the relationship, and I certainly didn’t want them doing it in a parked car in dangerous places late at night.</p>
<p>But the idea of two kids, neither of whom is mine, having sex during a co-ed sleepover at my house would still bother me.</p>
<p>At least when kids have sex in the house at 4 PM, usually one of the participants lives in the house (although I do know of a high school kid whose parents were never home during the daytime and who earned a nice little income by renting out rooms in his house by the hour during the afternoons – one hopes that he washed the sheets frequently).</p>
<p>“The concern may be more about the possibility that two teenagers, neither of which is your own son or daughter, will be having sex in your house, and that you will feel some responsibility for not having prevented it.”</p>
<p>Marian, I totally agree with you. I would definitely not want my children’s friends having sex in our house, for a variety of reasons. If my daughter and her boyfriend choose to begin a sexual relationship (I don’t believe they have yet), that is another story. Not that I am encouraging her to have sex - she is only 15 - but her bf is 17 and I have a feeling it is just a matter of when, not if. I definitely don’t want them parking - it’s way too dangerous - so if they use my house when we aren’t home, while I wouldn’t be happy about it, I wouldn’t forbid it either. My husband totally disagrees with me, btw, which has made things pretty tense around here. He thinks we shouldn’t make things easy for them. I don’t think of it as making things easy for them, just that I am making things safer for them. </p>
<p>As far as co-ed sleepovers go, I really don’t have a problem with them. I have had to get used to them as one of the clubs at d’s hs sponsors events that include co-ed overnights at the homes of students at other high schools and we reciprocate when the other high schools’ students visit her school. Because d has attended many of those sleepovers, I have let her attend one actual co-ed sleepover party. She assured me that she does not believe in pda and would not do anything sexual in front of her friends.</p>
<p>Btw, did the parents of that high school kid ever find out how he was earning his spending money? That was too icky - and something I can picture my S doing when he is in hs!</p>
<p>Marian, I was careful to simply state that “high school seniors might engage in sex” not just “their high school senior children”. </p>
<p>Renting out my home for sexual liasons by friends…OK, I’m pretty tolerant but that would cross my threshold for tolerance. My kid would be in very serious trouble with me for doing that.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Our house rule is that no friends of the opposite sex are allowed in our house when no parents are at home. I am at home alot, so this rule has rarely been a problem. In general its a difficult issue for parents and is not black and white, especially if their child is in a relationship and is having sex. In our house, this never happened until my oldest turned 18. At that point, I turned a blind eye, because I am personally okay with 18 year olds having sex if they want to (but they still must respect my rules or be discreet enough so the rest of us are not offended.) I don’t want other peoples’ 18-year olds having sex in my house at all.</p>
<p>BTW, I didn’t start this thread but I want to thank everyone for their honest input on this issue. It has been very helpful for me to hear others’ perspectives. We all do what we think is best for our children. I know I muddle along most of the time with my fingers crossed that I’m doing the right thing. When we are dealing with the human element, decisions like these are based on so many things - the child, the family, the home, the friends, the purpose of the event, etc. There is so much to keep in mind.</p>
<p>The co-ed sleepover my son was invited to was hosted by a couple of kids he met in an ACT prep class. They really didn’t even know him. As I mentioned earlier, we didn’t allow him to stay over. As a mother, I even went as far as to tell him “these kids were not his type of kids”. (I know some of you are not going to like that type of statement). The funny thing is, I have always considered myself to be fairly liberal. I guess I just hadn’t met the “far left”. So those of you that are throwing these parties, please keep in mind that you may be alienating some kids. On the other hand, I’m sure you’re attracting certain kids with your “fun” parties.</p>
<p>Bay, my H and I used to have that rule too. At some point, we agreed that it would be ok if my d had her bf or other friends of the opposite sex in our house alone. Our reason was that she is allowed to be alone with them in their cars, and there is very little you can do in a car that you can’t do at home - but there are plenty of other things to do at home. </p>
<p>I also want to thank everyone for their input - it has been very helpful to me. My friends and I all have different degrees of leniency regarding how we handle this situation, and I fall somewhere in the middle - although I have gotten more lenient over the past few months, mainly because my daughter and her friends have earned our trust.</p>
<p>^I think that’s reasonable. I doubt that anyone would want their kids to go to a sleepover with kids they barely knew. But I think it’s a different matter when they’re people you’ve known for quite some time.</p>
<p>“As a mother, I even went as far as to tell him “these kids were not his type of kids”. (I know some of you are not going to like that type of statement).”</p>
<p>Yikes! Nevermind us. I can only imagine what ran through your son’s mind!</p>
<p>I’m home at 4pm, too…and so are the kids unless they’re doing extracurriculars.</p>
<p>Re biology: No one is denying or questioning the obvious fact that biology plays a role in human behaviors, just the interpretation of what exactly this role is.</p>
<p>Researchers still can’t decide if we are more like chimps or gorillas in social organization.</p>
<p>As vicariousparent explained, I am trying to say that many of the behaviors we consider biological are social in origin. It’s hard to separate all this out because no one is raised outside society with only biological factors influencing them.</p>
<p>For example, it was once argued that women were biologically unsuited for sports. Most believed this at one time. Just ask curm, it aint true. Larry Summers sure got into trouble suggesting women were unsuited to science.</p>
<p>The cultural lens colors our beliefs and our scientific studies, and ample evidence shows that there were many societies in which women were quite sexual outside of committed relationships; in fact, committed relationships did not exist.</p>
<p>And there are many women in our society who are sexual and openly sexual.</p>
<p>I think the stereotype of predatory male and less sexual female is a function of social conditioning. Masters and Johnson demonstrated that women are more fulfilled by sex (don’t want to be more graphic here), and that was purely from going by “biological” measures, independent of relationships.</p>
<p>I have posted as not being opposed to coed sleepovers and being liberal in matters discussed.</p>
<p>I should say that I have raised two rather conservative children (at least in their behavior, not in their beliefs). </p>
<p>The most important thing to each of them was knowing that I trusted them. I too, would not like kids who don’t live here having sex here, but I don’t agree that this behavior is inevitable at coed sleepovers for the reasons I have already given.</p>
<p>I am amazed at how much both my kids respect themselves and make decisions in their own best interest, and by that I mean long term interest, not momentary satisfaction. I wish I could have been more like them, and I am not really referring to sex.</p>
<p>My S, who is a freshman at a school with a fair amount of drinking, has just told me he wants to get EMT training so he can be helpful at parties if needed. He never drinks and has no desire to do so.</p>
<p>My D says she needs to be in control of herself and wouldn’t consider doing anything that caused her to give up that control. The most she has ever had to drink during an entire evening is one drink, and she wouldn’t consider doing any drugs (nor would S.)</p>
<p>I had no reason not to trust them, wherever they were. </p>
<p>They did go on school trips that included overnights. S went to Rome for ten days when he was fourteen. I’m sure any of these kids could have gotten into each other’s rooms had they wanted to.</p>
<p>I did also let them be alone in the house with kids of the opposite sex.</p>
<p>I have been really pleased with their decision making skills; they are both in college and I have never regretted these policies.</p>
<p>BTW: I am not judging to dictating to others who feel differently. I agree with Bay’s comments about individual values of different families. I just didn’t want to imply that my kids are wild and wooly or that I think anything goes. I would be upset at self-destructive behavior.</p>
<p>
I believe that Larry Summers simply suggested that issues related to gender and science were worth studying – and that a female professor from MIT just about fainted at the thought. It’s tough to overcome stereotypes when people insist on behaving in accordance with one.</p>
<p>Here’s another article about sex differences, if anyone is interested.
<a href=“http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=00018E9D-879D-1D06-8E49809EC588EEDF[/url]”>http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=00018E9D-879D-1D06-8E49809EC588EEDF</a>
</p>
<p>I’m not saying that socialization has no bearing on behavior – but culture does not cancel out biology.</p>
<p>I don’t really feel that this is an issue of trust. I do and did trust my high school aged kids. But no matter how trustworthy your child is, kids do get swayed by peer pressure - so it may not be your kid, but the intentions of someone else’s kid that you really have to worry about. Sometimes, these parties put pressure on the kids to participate - even if it’s something in which they would otherwise have little interest.</p>
<p>As far as how reasonable these concerns may be - there was a survey a done by Teen People magazine (admittedly not a scientific study, done 4 or 5 years ago, and did not discriminate by asking how well supervised these were). Of 879 teenagers questioned, 83% of them said that they had indeed seen or were aware of “fooling around” at coed sleepovers.</p>
<p>What did the survey say about “fooling around” at parties that weren’t sleepovers? Or in a house while parents are at work? Or in a parked car? Or at the local park or beach?</p>
<p>if you try to prevent a co-ed sleepover, it’s all that more desirable. if you don’t want to have one, your son will find some way to go to one and will just tell you he’s going somewhere else.</p>
<p>i can easily name 100 people that have done the very thing your son might do. </p>
<p>why does he want to have or go to a coed sleepover? probably 3 reasons:</p>
<p>a) hang out with his friends without having to worry about making it home for curfew or sneaking back into his house</p>
<p>b) if it’s a dance or something social, there’s a good chance they’ll pre-game and probably are too responsible to drive drunk (let’s hope)</p>
<p>c) he thinks it’s something he probably shouldn’t be doing so there’s some sort of crazy allure to sleeping over with <em>gasp</em> girls.</p>
<p>let him do it!</p>
<p>A fair Q to ask alwaysamom. The way I see it, though, one thing is a separate concern from the other. For one thing, in terms of hosting one of these, what other people’s kids do and where etc. is not as much of an concern as what might be going on in my own home, where I am the one ultimately responsible. I see your example as one that refers more to the situation of keeping tabs on an already established couple rather than to a <em>party</em> which has the potential for pressure within a group setting, casual hookups and the whole “friends with benefits” thing - those seem like separate and different issues.</p>
<p>I’ve just heard too many negative stories - even encountered one such FWB couple, um… literally. They were young, not a couple beforehand (just “friends”) and had snuck out of a home right in my neighborhood – the host parents had no idea and were pretty shocked that the kids had circumvented all their rules, etc. It’s not that I think that a supervised set up is impossible - some of the posters on this thread have described some that sound that way in theory - I’ve supervised coed camping trips (separate tents, plenty of supervision) for 15 year olds, myself. But, there is an obvious range of what other parents consider appropriate supervision, and hard to know what the reality might really be and where.</p>
<p>roshke, you’ve summed it up beatifully. We hosted a simple 3 hour Halloween party. On the advice of the local police chief, I had someone at the front door confiscating all handbags and pillowcases full of candy. The front door was near the stairs and she watched to make sure no one went up there. Another person helped me with food in the kitchen. My husband and I constantly made the rounds, checking on the kids. After 3 hours, we were physically and mentally exhausted. Even though we hosted the party, we didn’t win any popularity contests. Kids were probably sick of seeing us. No one said anything about us being “cool parents” and that’s o.k. with us.</p>
<p>Toledo, do you think the kids had fun at the party you hosted? I am asking this question seriously, as it sounds like what my husband wants to do at my daughter’s Sweet 16. Additionally, he wants to make it a rule that once someone leaves the party, they won’t be admitted back in. My daughter has now said that we should just forget about throwing her a party because she doesn’t want her friends to feel like they’re in jail. The thing is, my daughter has a nice group of friends and I don’t think we need to worry that much, but my husband won’t budge.</p>