Dreading Second Semester

Colleges & Universities University of California - Berkeley
1

I just finished up my first semester at Berkeley a few weeks ago, and to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t that great. I realize that people have control over how their own college experience will play out, and that what I’m about to say might come off extremely whiny, but I don’t really have anyone else to share this with.

I’m honestly dreading the start of next semester for many reasons.

The first reason I’m not looking forward to heading back to Cal is because of academics. I find it hilarious how I worked really hard for 12 years to get into a relatively good college, and now I’m working even harder to stay afloat academically.

I’m molecular and cell biology/premed, and the latter means that if I want to ever make it to medical school, I have to get pretty good grades.

I took Chem 1A, Chem 1AL, Math 10A, and French R1A (an English class) my first semester, and I got a 3.77 GPA, derived from A’s and a B+ in math. Parents were pissed/disappointed about the B+, and very little was said about the (other) better grades–in fact, dad was disappointed about the 93% on the (difficult) chem 1a midterm.

Additionally, my dad isn’t too happy about me majoring in biology and regularly reminds me that if I don’t get good grades (which means basically all A’s—from experience, if I don’t get straight A’s, everything goes to hell in my house), I’m screwed because I won’t be able to go to medical school, and because biology majors have very poor job prospects without a graduate or professional degree.

As much as I hate hearing that, I know it’s the truth and that GPA is important for medical school admissions. I don’t have much confidence in myself academically looking towards next semester. I’m signed up to take Chem 3A, Math 10B, Sociology 1 and Psych W1, and I’m pretty scared. I didn’t expect to do as well as I did in general chemistry (chemistry 1A), but I somehow did. However, chemistry 3A is a totally different animal, as it is organic chemistry—which has a universally bad reputation, and I’m scared that I just won’t “get it,” or do badly in that and other classes.

It all boils down to what if I do really poorly (parents will get mad or find some way to make me feel poorly if I don’t get all A’s)? Even if I discover next semester that I somehow magically have the ability to get a 4.0, I know that I’ll be living in the library again, and it’s just depressing that I have to spend most of my time studying. I probably didn’t need to spend all that time studying, but I made academics my first priority as I was completely new to Berkeley and had no idea how things would play out.

Moreover, I was extremely nervous before every exam, quiz, and assignment getting handed back, as I was and am still afraid of doing so poorly on something that it results in irrevocable losses grade-wise, and I know that fear will come up again second semester and for the rest of my time at Cal. That anxiety is just not fun to deal with.

Another reason why I’m dreading next semester is because I don’t want to feel inferior to my peers again. I’ve realized over and over again that no matter how difficult an exam is (my math final had an average of 59), there will always be someone that does really well (top score on the final was 99), and it just sucks when it’s not you.

I topped Chem 1A midterms and to a lesser extent, the final, but I tasted failure with our lab final exam and with pretty much all the math exams (did really poorly on the first midterm, maybe only half/0.75 SDs above the median for the other exams). I know it’s not realistic to expect myself to always score highly, but I’ve felt mediocre all my life, and every time I don’t top the class, I fear that I’m only average.

Additionally, one of my roommates highly annoys me. I’m very reserved and quiet and whatnot, but she is very outgoing and open. She is also very intrusive and always asked me what grade I received on midterms, finals, quizzes, and lab reports.
Most of all, she started dating someone less than 2 weeks into college, and I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does, as I know that it’s her life.

I’m not exactly jealous of the fact that she has a boyfriend, as I have developed crushes on absolutely zero people during my first semester of college. I have only had one crush in my entire life, and it’s hard for me to imagine that any guy would make my life significantly better. I guess I’m just envious that my roommate has someone to rely on/care for her, and someone that genuinely makes her happy, I suppose.

In contrast, I feel like I’m just going through the motions in most of my relationships—asking about people’s wellbeing, talking to them, doing stuff for them, etc. just because I should, not because I’m motivated by genuine concern or oxytocin-induced intense feelings of love to do so. I have one close friend at Cal whom I love to death, but I don’t feel “rushes of affection” even around her. I just prefer her company and feel comfortable disclosing some personal things with her more so than I would with others.

I sometimes wish that there was someone in my life (not even necessarily a boyfriend) that I felt strongly about (i.e. genuine happiness whenever that person is around) and could talk to about anything and everything, and I guess that’s the root point of my annoyance/envy, because currently, I don’t feel that way about anyone in my life—no one makes me feel “rushes of affection” and I don’t feel comfortable being completely vulnerable and open about anyone/continually struggle to find people whom I can talk to about bad days and rough moments.

Additionally, I’m fairly certain that I have avoidant personality disorder, which adds another dimension to this (have never been diagnosed, but have read countless articles about the condition, and could relate heavily to everything mentioned there), which makes me very uncomfortable getting into intimate relationships and seeing intimacy.

Moreover, I know that there is an element of physical attraction in romantic relationships, and I’ve felt insecure about my appearance all my life. No one has ever called me ugly (nothing much has ever been said about my appearance, other than some BS forced comments from relatives about how “beautiful I am”), but compared to girls who are obviously/stunningly attractive, I feel quite plain by comparison. I know ratings mean nothing, but most people would place me at around a 7 or 7.5/10. That’s another reason seeing people in relationships makes me uncomfortable, because it makes me wonder—if I were more attractive, would I be in a relationship too?

Switching topics, I feel like students have to be proactive at Berkeley in getting research opportunities and whatnot, and while learning to be proactive is a good thing for the adult world and life in general, it’s hard for me because I’m very shy and bad at advocating for myself.

Moreover, adjusting to independence was hard, especially when things came up. I ran into laptop problems twice, and I knew that if I had gone to UCLA or a college close to home, my parents would have been more readily available to help me deal with similar things/could go home more often to escape the BS that has been my college life.

Tldr: Not looking forward to going back to Berkeley because of tough classes, PDA, being forced out of my comfort zone, and having to be independent all over again. Sorry if this came off as whiny.

2

I think there are a couple of things to address here:

  1. First of all you made it to Berkeley, that’s amazing congratulations! You mentioned you weren’t really enjoying yourself,but that is something that you can definitely remedy. The first thing to recognize is that college is definitely harder than high school, but honestly you are doing great. You should be proud of that 3.77 GPA. It is practically an A at one of the most rigorous schools in the country. Trust me, I have plenty of friends applying to med school and that is a fantastic place to be at, especially for a really rigorous school like Berkeley.

  2. You can make a change. You are not in this alone. You can study with other people, seek out professors in their office hours, or seek other academic resources. Also with the extra time you save from collaboration, you can explore and find new things that you enjoy at your college. There is plenty to look out for and try.

  3. The other things are just things that you will have to learn about yourself and the world around you. Coming to college, you probably won’t be the smartest person in the room anymore. And that is okay! And perfectly healthy. You don’t need to be in order to get where you want to go. Many, many students feel this once they have entered a top college because there are a lot of smart people in the world. It’s not always a competition.

  4. I think that you should communicate to your roommate that you would prefer her not to ask all about grades all the time. Perhaps share that it gives you anxiety and that you would rather not add to it. Or better yet if you are in the same classes all the time, suggest that you study together. Otherwise asking for a new roommate or transferring rooms is always an option.

  5. It sounds like you are going through some other issues that it would be helpful to talk to someone about. Have you considered going to your school’s counseling center? They can be immensely helpful. From experience, they can help address many of the things you are talking about or find healthy ways to cope. Please at least consider it if you haven’t already.

  6. I think one thing that may help with your feelings of not necessarily being close to anyone is joining clubs or organizations, or taking time to get to know some new people if you haven’t already. Romance is honestly overrated and having strong relationships, whether it be with friends or other loved ones is important. But that requires you to go out there and find some of those people. This is coming from a person that didn’t really date anyone at all until senior year of college. Once you do, you realize that the relationships that you have before are super important and those feelings of insecurity is all in your head, although I understand how powerful they can be.

  7. In your next semester find just one or two professors that seem like they care and that you click with. Seek them out, come talk to them, about your interests and that will happen naturally. Finding a mentor in college, maybe it is your college advisory or someone else that can advocate for you, is a helpful part of the process.

  8. You’re not alone, there’s people that can help. Many of the concerns are currently ones that are bubbling up inside your head and I think talking about it, whether it be with a counselor or with someone else you trust, would help a lot. Once you do, you may figure out ways to address them or at least find that person you are close to. Many of those things you have mentioned whether it be insecurity or questioning relationships are things that many other people have gone through before, myself included, but you gotta be brave and reach out.

It sounds like many of the things you are mentioning are not necessarily Berkeley specific, but ones that you would have to deal with regardless of the institution, so that’s why looking at those first would be helpful

3

Assuming you really want to go to med school (and I’m not clear that’s the case from your post), you don’t have to have straight As. You’re doing just fine grade wise as it.

4

It looks like your relationship with your overbearing tiger parents is not exactly healthy, accentuated by being in an elite-or-bust path (pre-med – was that choice yours or theirs?).

5

If I were your parents I would be overjoyed that you did so well in the first semester, but that’s my opinion.

Quit being so hard on yourself you’re doing a great job. Listen to your brain and your heart :heart: you’re doing fine.

Find a volunteer position that has you in a position of helping others.
It may help later with your med school apps.

Don’t share any of your personal grades with anyone, that’s your business not theirs:
“How do you do on that Chem test?”
“I did OK”
“Yes but what did you get?”
“I don’t remember the number . . . .”
if pushed further,
“not important”
If pushed even further. . . “Why is my grade so important to you?”
If the concern were genuine, you wouldn’t be constantly asked what your grade was. This is a power trip on the part of your roommate. She wants to feel a lot more superior to you. Don’t give her that power.

Deal with your sanity first then, if you want, you can cater to others. Cal is tough.

If you made it through the first semester, you can make it through all four years.
You’ll be fine. And as far as relationships go, they will come to you; you’ll see.

6

@ucbalumnus It’s a bit complicated–I had the idea first because I’ve been interested in human biology since I was a kid, and I like helping others, so being a doctor seemed ideal.

My parents didn’t force me towards that path, but ever since I started college and decided I was biology/premed, my parents do see it as elite or bust because biology majors do not have great career prospects without a professional or graduate degree.

I also think they might be a bit uninformed on what a “good” GPA is for medical school, but it’s probably safe to earn the highest GPA possible, as standards seem to be rising every year.

I guess pharmacy school is still in the cards, as they said they also approve of that choice.

7

I don’t know the relationship you have with your parents, but I would suggest you make a copy of your post to show them. I am a parent, my D is also going into 2nd semester, we’re also from SoCal. Prior to this first semester in college she has never received a B in her life. She does now, 2 of them although one was B+ (wth? Why could the prof just gave her an A?) I am still very proud of her.

Your parents must relax and not put so much pressure on you, and you need to go out and meet people. This is the time where lifetime friendships are made.

Also, there are thousands of practising doctors who did not graduate from the best medical schools, but that doesn’t disqualify them as good doctors. Relax, if being a doctor is what you want to be, you will succeed without having to kill yourself.

8

Pre-med is elite-or-bust, although your parents are exaggerating in seeing 3.77 GPA as “bust”. See https://www.aamc.org/download/321508/data/factstablea23.pdf for an idea of how GPA and MCAT score relate to medical school admissions.

Note that no specific major is required to do pre-med.

The career center may help you with both pre-med planning and planning for careers that do not involve medical school:
http://career.berkeley.edu/Medical/Medical
http://career.berkeley.edu/Info/Students
http://career.berkeley.edu/Survey/Survey
http://career.berkeley.edu/Survey/2016Majors

9

I can relate to this “no rushes of affection” thing. I also felt this way and questioned my ability to love at all until I had a child. Then it came rushing in and is still there 16 years later. You might not have to wait that long, but it’s also very valuable to have somebody you’re just comfortable and happy to be with. But don’t rush relationships just because everybody around you is dating, this is a recipe for unhappiness.

And yes, there are 7 billion people on the planet, and you’re not the smartest or most attractive. In fact, nobody is. Geniuses and superstars probably have more self-doubt than us mere mortals, and I’ve known quite a few very attractive women who were unhappy in their relationships. “Give it time” is probably not a very new or encouraging advice, but it’s still true.

10

3.77 GPA is nothing to sneeze at.

It is great that you have motivation for human biology because it will matter later for more advanced courses, research, and your career after college.

I want to point out it’s impressive that even though you did poorly on the first midterm, you did better with the second midterm and the final as it’s more typical for students to go the opposite direction.

I think Chem 3A’s reputation is about as bad as Chem 1A. It’s not easy, but these are basic fundamental courses that have the examples and excellent explanations in the web as needed. Not ‘getting it’ won’t be an issue as long as you try.

Also, I think boyfriends are kinda overrated. Life is busy taking care of what’s important now.

I had some excellent luck visiting the Tang Center counseling during the times when the anxiety was more than I can handle. There were excellent professionals whom I talked about the rough moments which itself was reliving, but also hear back deep insights and eventually learn how to handle the rough moments.

11

Parents of straight-A high school students have to adjust their expectations, just as their Cal kids have to do. Cal is an extremely rigorous school, especially for pre-med/STEM students. My sophomore D never got a B in her life until she got to this school - now she has 3 (2 she was fine with, 1 she was borderline B+/A-, and it just didn’t happen, so much sadness). The world did not end, she did not explode, and her GPA is still really great. BTW, the first B was in Chem1A - she wound up with an A- in Chem3A (I asked her why the difference - “I learned to study for that subject” and “better lecturer”).

You also have to get over not getting 90’s on everything - there is the Berkeley curve for a reason.

See if you can sign up for a study group at the SLC - really forces you to spend extra time on a subject you may be struggling with. D swears by them.

Check out the URAP program for undergrad research opportunities in L&S. The weekly commitment is not overwhelming, and you get credits for it. I think it’s more geared for sophomore’s and beyond (they might need your first-year’s grades).

Boyfriends can be a huge time drain - don’t spend too much energy on this. If it happens, it happens. If not, you are not alone, trust me.

12

My parents too had a hard time swallowing my grades in freshman year (Math 53 and Stat 134 pretty much murdered me). My advice is just give it time. My dad was pretty critical of me until he found out from his friends who also have children going to Cal also went through their own academic struggles.

With regards to the social and relationship aspect, it too, will take time. First semester of freshmen year usually is amazing, or sucks a lot. Second semester WILL get better. You will meet new people, be presented with new opportunities via clubs or other social activities, and will feel more at home on campus. I’m glad to hear you have someone really close to whom you can talk to; it took me a while to find someone like that.

As a current sophomore finally getting down good study habits, my advice is just to find an activity you enjoy besides studying, because there are diminishing marginal returns when you hit a certain number of hours of studying. Trust me; as someone who has camped out in Moffitt and Main Stacks, it doesn’t help. Having a outlet to breathe and relax after breathing in the stale air of Kresge or freezing in the lower levels of Doe really does make life so much more bearable.

If ever want to talk, feel free to PM me! Best of luck, and enjoy your break.

13

Hey dude, I totally feel you. I’m a freshman here too and this first semester was completely overwhelming–with classes, independence, making friends, guys, literally everything. If you live in the Units, or ever find yourself in Unit 1, I’d be down to hang out and talk! Just send me a PM. Also, if this is any consolation, you did wayyyyy better this semester than me GPA-wise. First semester is hella tough and a 3.77 is something to be proud of, especially in college. Try not to let your parents diminish your accomplishment, because that’s what it is–an accomplishment!

14

@emvic8100 you are not alone! I graduated from Cal aeons ago but I can remember my first semester like it was yesterday. I was lonely, intimidated by the level of competition and workload but at the same time excited and thrilled to find new things to discover being at Berkeley. You’ll settle in and eventually make some good friends. I made bonds with people on my floor and with classmates. Your 3.77 is great for first semester so please don’t beat yourself up. I promise things will get better but try to switch your routine up. I found some favorite cafes to study in when Moffitt was crowded. I browsed record stores and boutiques, ate at Blondies, Top Dog…you get the gist. Just carve out time to enjoy Campus and the surroundings to refresh yourself. Four years will go by fast. As for the boyfriend issue…not a good idea for your first two years. I didn’t ‘get’ a boyfriend until junior year. Trust me, you don’t want to be joined at the hip so soon and so young while at college. That happened with some of my girlfriends and their grades and stress level suffered and they eventually broke up with their BFs and were emotional wrecks!

Your life will turn out fine…I know a few doctors who are great, smart, etc. and they did not go to a well known medical school. So just try your best but remember to take time to enjoy life a little bit :slight_smile:

Good luck and best wishes for your remaining years!

15

Some points, no particular order:

  1. UC Berkeley: Great life experience, not necessarily a good time. To survive, you have to go out of your way to do something fun/enjoyable every day. Or almost every day.
  2. Are you sure you want to be a physician? There are plenty of other things you can do with a biology degree that might give you a more satisfying, less stressful life. Pharmacy, yes, but also public health, law, public policy, research, investment analysis, nutrition, toxicology, etc. For many of these you will (eventually, at least) want to go to graduate school (not necessarily for doctorate), but it’s not absolutely necessary depending on the path you take. I sense that being a doctor is not going to make you very happy, based on how you’ve described your personality.
  3. You are going to have to learn how to enjoy the ride. You will go nuts if your entire life consists of delaying all gratification (“I will sacrifice everything to get into medical school” and then “I will sacrifice everything to get through medical school” etc).
  4. You will need to have a talk with your parents at some point. They mean well, of course, but their expectations need to be managed. If they don’t have a background in science, then it might be that the only path they know of for a kid who is good in math/science is medical school. But there are many paths. Getting 3.77 at Berkeley is doing great and you will have many options, even if medical school isn’t what you choose to do.
  5. Out of curiosity, what did your dad want you to major in? And have you considered majoring in something other than biology?
  6. Is it possible that your nosy roommate is just trying to connect with you by asking about your exams? From her perspective, she probably sees that you spend most of your time studying, that school and grades appear to be very important to you, and so she asks about that. You could run a social experiment and try engaging with her about dating, romance, and guys. It could be fun.
16

@rocket88 Thank you for all the advice.

  1. I agree with you on Berkeley very much. I will definitely try to live a more well-rounded life next semester.

  2. I am not entirely sure whether I want to be a doctor. Certain bodily fluids (not blood) make me cringe, and I think I would be uncomfortable being around people with certain sicknesses, especially if the associated symptoms are unpleasant. However, many people in my life have died or suffered from certain illnesses, and it would mean a lot to me if I could help others in their position someday. Human biology is also very fascinating.

2a) I will look into pharmacy further next semester by joining PILLS (the pre-pharm society at Cal). I was also curious why you believe being a doctor wouldn’t be satisfying for me. I’ve started to have different thoughts about medicine as well.

  1. Yeah, I’m going to try to be less uptight this semester with the academic experience I now have.

  2. I will try to talk to my parents someday about grade expectations, but that will be a difficult conversation. My dad does not believe that grade deflation is a thing at Cal after seeing that my math class awarded 25% A’s and 25% B’s to students (which was sadly the class I got a B+ in). Thank you for the reassurance about my GPA.

  3. My dad never said what he wanted me to major in, but I have the sense that he would’ve wanted it to be something with better bachelor’s degree job prospects (CS, engineering, cognitive science).

5b) I have considered majoring in psychology or public health, but the latter is impacted at Berkeley and the former has a universally bad rap and equally terrible job prospects, so my dad would say no to the first one and not like the second one very much either.

  1. I have never thought of my roommate’s intentions in that sense; it’s possible, but she is also premed, so I don’t think her intentions are that innocuous.
17

Re: grades, grade inflation/deflation, expectations

http://projects.dailycal.org/grades/ may give you an idea of what grades look like in various subjects. However, it does not allow stratifying by lower versus upper division courses (though you can tell that “Biology” is all lower division, since upper division would be under other subjects like MCB and IB).

But if you can get the information from Cal Answers as a student, you may be able to find more detailed information.

18

“I was also curious why you believe being a doctor wouldn’t be satisfying for me. I’ve started to have different thoughts about medicine as well.”

I just think a doctor faces so much pressure to be decisive and authoritative, to have a manner in interacting with patients and staff, to be socially dominant, to know everything in an encyclopedic fashion–to be confident and not second-guess yourself. Yes, these are stereotypes, and it’s also true that there are many possible career paths for an MD, but I think the most common paths could be hell for an introvert. I’m not an MD, though, so you will definitely want to get a second opinion on this. It could be very satisfying, but maybe not.

Human biology is definitely fascinating, but you don’t have to be an MD to study biology and to help patients. You can broadly participate in medicine/healthcare in any number of ways. The following is, in very many ways, an unfair statement, but an MD treating a patient can be likened to an auto mechanic, whereas a researcher (basic research, drug discovery research, medical device design, etc) can be likened to a mechanical engineer/designer. The MD interacts with the patient, but is powerless without the tools (drugs, pioneering surgical procedures, diagnostic tools, clinical trial results, gene therapy tools-in the near future, data analysis, etc) that so many other people create for the MD to use.

One more thing: You don’t have to be a bio major to apply to med school. As long as you take the required courses (which you are on the path to completing) you can major in something entirely different. Apparently this can be seen as a plus by medschool admissions committees (again, you will want to consult other sources on this to verify). So you could major in public health or cognitive science and still apply to med school, while also preparing for other possible career paths. Not that there’s anything wrong with molecular/cell biology…

19

@shawnspencer Thanks for the helpful advice, reassurance, and perspective.

I had a few questions/comments about your reply.

  1. You said that a 3.77 GPA was a good place to be in for medical school, but I thought the average MD GPA was like a 3.75, so a 3.77 is just like slightly above average?

1b) If you don’t mind me asking, in what ballpark are your friend’s GPA’s and where are they attending medical school/where have they gotten accepted? Sorry, I know this is a bit intrusive (my own behavior parallels that of my roommate right now–yikes!)