<p>I am imagining a dialog between legislators (or Platonic ideals of such) enacting Title IX:</p>
<p>“Let’s finally have athletic equality for girls!”</p>
<p>“Right on! Umm . . . do we have to let girls on the football team?”</p>
<p>“Uh . . . that seems wrong. Maybe have a girls’ football team?”</p>
<p>“Where are we going to find enough girls to have a girls’ football team?”</p>
<p>“Hmmm. Well, what we really want is . . . equality of athletic opportunity!”</p>
<p>“Equality of athletic opportunity! Righteous! And that will be easy, we’re almost there already!”</p>
<p>“We are? How so?”</p>
<p>“All we have to do is move the ballet program to the Athletic Department, and expand the cheerleading squad. Maybe have two, one for football and one for basketball. Voila! Equality of athletic opportunity!”</p>
<p>“Nononononono! Girls have to have a chance to play real sports! Sports! Not ballet! Not cheerleading!”</p>
<p>“What if girls don’t WANT to play real sports? They like to look pretty, right? Ladylike. Not all muscle-bound like some offensive lineman!”</p>
<p>“Believe me, give them a chance and girls will want to play real sports. Have you ever watched a field hockey game? Nasty! Thank heavens they have to keep those little sticks down, or they’d all look like ice hockey players. But we need to have girls who have real coaches, and who push themselves to the limit, and who learn the benefits of teamwork and sportsmanship. Or sportswomanship. Whatever. Discipline. Leadership. Competition. That’s what’s important in life!”</p>
<p>“You think ballet dancers don’t have discipline? Or competition? Have you ever met a ballet dancer?”</p>
<p>“Name me one CEO who was a ballerina. Having some witch scream at you in French and Russian for hours at a time isn’t coaching, and it doesn’t produce leadership. Men will only respect women when they know how to score goals!”</p>
<p>“OK, but . . . What if we had ballet MEETS? You know, with teams, and bleachers. And a panel of crazy Russians awarding points? Or pointes? And got Bobby Knight to be head coach, and give locker room speeches, yell at the judges, stuff like that? Is it a sport yet?”</p>
<p>"No, ballet is NOT a sport, no matter what you do. It’s art, and that’s COMPLETELY different. Obviously. Not every girl wants to be a ballerina. We need to let some of those ballerinas play soccer, or row crew. You know, thrill of victory, agony of defeat . . . . "</p>
<p>“I don’t want my daughter to get breast cancer because someone kicks her in the chest. And I really don’t want my daughter to turn into a you-know-what by spending all her time with THEM. Cheerleaders and ballerinas get boyfriends.”</p>
<p>And so forth.</p>