Oops! Boy I messed that post up. Was trying to get out of the house in a hurry as I was writing it. Lesson learned!
There’s a huge difference between what a parent allows their own kid to do in their home that might be legal or not, and what parents will allow someone else’s kids to do in their home that is illegal.
Honestly, when it comes to friendships, there’s no comparing. If someone wants to end a friendship with me because I allow my under 21-year old kid to drink in my home under my supervision, then fine; I think it’s stupid. But I have every right to be furious with a parent who willingly allows my kid to drink in their home; and with all the dangers involved in this high risk behavior, it would be a friendship I’d have no problem ending.
Wow. I do think you need to say something to her. It’s only February and there will be lots of further opportunities for senior parties at her house.
Is she an alcoholic? It seems she has the judgment of someone whose emotional development is stunted. There are a lot of wino mommies in my sleepy suburb. Most of them have enough sense not to feed other people’s kids alcohol.
There’s the criminal offense of serving alcohol to underage drinkers and then there’s the civil liability of “hosting” those who then get behind the wheel and drive DUI. Just kind of stupid all around for the benefit of being “friends” with one’s kids and crowd?
I have to laugh at the parents who host these parties, and exclaim, "Oh, we’re collecting car keys at the door so no one can drink and drive.
Yea, teenagers wised up to that years ago. They just bring two sets of car keys… one to turn in, and one in case they do decide they want to leave.
Ever watch what would you do?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u51FEJOrb_Y
I once saw (like 6 months ago) a kid who looked to be about 10 drinking a beer at a bar with who I presume were his parents. That was rather surprising to me.
My friends and I do not always have the same view when it comes to politic, religion, parenting…What I look for is if they could be there for me and if we could share some laughs. I have friends who cheated on his/her SO, not so nice to their parents, cheat on their taxes, abuse alcohol or not the kind of parent as me, but none of those things have anything to do with my relationship with a friend. I guess I don’t understand why this issue (drinking) should have any impact on your relationship with your friend. She is not making you participate or agree with her decision, and she is not doing it at your house, so what’s the problem? You can decide you won’t be friends with someone for a lot reasons, and this can certainly be one, but I think it is more of holly than thou behavior.
I guess I don’t understand that. If a friend cheats on their spouse, is not nice to their parents, cheats on their taxes what makes you think they would be there for you? They weren’t there for all those others. If that isn’t enough to not be friends with someone, what would it take?
Maybe they have their reasons.
Not so nice to their parents - just check out the thread about giving allowance to parents. I have given my parents money, paid for their vacations and bought them luxury goods they couldn’t afford, whereas a lot of people would never do that. Those same people could be there for me emotionally, but they just have different values than I do.
Cheats on their taxes - I would say most people, including people on this thread, have cheated on their taxes or under reported.
Cheats on the spouse - you can’t see good people do that? Now, that’s too black and white.
Obviously what these parents did was illegal,dangerous, stupid and just wrong.
Keeping the friendship? It depends on you. Different people have different criteria/levels of acceptance in their relationships. It do think it says something that you are questioning the friendship.
H and I had formerly close friends who we have drifted somewhat apart from. There were a number of reasons for this some of them having to do with some self centered and rude attitudes but the final straw was when the H told me something they had done and had in fact felt no guilt whatever. I said something and H was like, so what? It was not anything illegal or dangerous but it is an ethical violation. H and I felt very disappointed and lost respect for them. I no longer consider them friends.
I’m glad that I have a daughter who has no interest in alcohol ! Her older sister were allowed to have a glass of wine occasionally during special holidays / celebrations. I don’t think it is okay for other parents to make the call and serve it to their kid’s friends.
I have no respect for parents who think it more important to be their kids’ friend, than to be their kids’ parent.
I once ended a friendship with another mom (when my kids were little) when we went to an event at our temple and she let her kids run around and be highly disruptive to the event. This wasn’t a case of kids being kids, or being too little to behave, or of having a developmental issue / disability, or an overwhelmed mom trying her best. This was just … she let them run up and down the aisles of an event in a way that was completely inappropriate to the situation, and did nothing about it. I don’t think I told her why, but this was a deal-breaker for me.
My only experience ending a friendship over parenting differences involved a mom (who was also a pediatrician) who let her kids ride in their van without wearing seat belts or using booster seats. She wanted to take my kids on outings when they had play dates at her house and I wouldn’t agree because of the seat belt issue. She could not understand why it was a big deal to me that the kids would be sitting on the floor of the van playing with Legos instead of confined with seat belts. A child for whom I’d babysat when he was a baby died in a car wreck because he wasn’t secured in a carseat. Even when I shared that with my friend, she thought I was over protective. Oh well.
Is it really necessary to end the friendship?
Or would it be enough to do what kids seem to do – avoid the troublesome situation?
When I was about middle school age, I noticed that one of my friends had become a shoplifter. So I didn’t go shopping with her again. But I often visited her at her home.
Similarly, my son stopped going to a friend’s house because he discovered that people were using illegal drugs there. But he still associated with this friend in other settings.
If you disapprove of your friend serving alcohol to minors in her home, isn’t it enough to not go to her home and to make sure that your teen doesn’t, either?
For those who have asked why you’d end a friendship over letting underage kids drink vs. not ending the friendship for them doing something like cheating on their significant other, for me at least it’s a difference between doing something unethical/illegal/immoral just plain wrong to children (and teens are still children!) and doing it to adults. I may have a problem with both, but messing with kids is a bigger deal, to me at least.
@marian, those examples u cite are people doing stupid things to themselves. They don’t involve someone facillitating other people to do stupid things.
Did your son’s drug using friend push drugs on him?
@GMTplus7 That’s a good point, and no, my son’s friend never encouraged him to use drugs.
That’s probably why they stayed friends
Did the parent push alcohol on your kid or the alcohol was just available? I personally think it is stupid to have drinking age at 21. I also think parents who adhere to that rule are a bit too uptight, but am I not going to be friends with them because they are too uptight? No, unless they start preaching at me or my kids.