OP- I found a very good eldercare/advisor lawyer by calling the most successful person I knew who had parents in a similar situation to mine. I figured if he had dealt with the nursing home/long term care/sandwich generation issues he’d know the right person to talk to.
And he did. I don’t know if this works for you- but it was an excellent referral, and it was someone used to dealing with families and issues MUCH more complicated than mine which was pretty reassuring. And he helped with things like the advanced care directives (for everyone, POA, etc.) that we had all been procrastinating on; and made sure that every single asset (life insurance, IRA from a job 15 years ago, etc.) was titled correctly with the appropriate beneficiaries listed (we were surprised how messed up things got over time). He knew nothing about financial aid though.
Even so, there were some mistakes (ours, not his) like a long term care policy which did not cover what the parent who had bought it thought it would cover AND the company was sort of impossible to deal with, but the mistakes were of the “pain in the neck and more expensive than it should have been” level, and not the “OMG, we messed up big time” level.
Just a quick note on long term care policies- read the fine print and then read it again. Know upfront what you might get; the companies have an AMAZING amount of latitude in terms of what they will and won’t pay for regardless of what the policy states- your idea of “needs assistance with bathing and dressing” and their idea of “needs assistance” can differ dramatically. The medical stuff is reasonably standard, but the in-home care has very loosy-goosey definitions. You will need to jump through hoops-- (our policy required getting the parent “recertified” for care every 90 days, which meant if the parent wasn’t sitting in the lobby of the assisted care facility when the insurance company’s nurse showed up to do the evaluation, the next months bill got denied and it took forever to get it paid retroactively. Their money, their rules.
Glad you’re taking the time to do this correctly- and kudos to you guys for being such great kids. Your children are watching and noticing; taking care of your parents is a gift which keeps on giving once the next generation grows up.