I think this deserves a 11 or 12 (I would personally give this a 12 but I can’t really tell the difference between 11s and 12s so I’m giving you a lower and higher possibility in case). Both examples are great (the second one seemed fine while I was reading it!), and I especially liked your 3rd and 2nd to last sentences as they drove home your points really well. Great job!
Can you please give me feedback on mine? http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1725754-grade-comment-on-my-practice-sat-essay-please.html