Folks from Another Planet

Parent Cafe
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<p>My aunt had been very ill, and my mother was visiting her every day for a couple of months. Two sisters and a brother who live locally were supporting Mom during this period, but at the end I flew in to stay with Mom. As it turned out, just hours after I arrived, in the middle of the night, we got the call that my aunt had passed away.</p>

<p>In our Catholic tradition we have services right away, two or three days after the death, so there’s a lot of planning and logistics to arrange. As the sun came up, I started calling my five brothers and sisters. The ones who live locally were ready to do whatever was necessary. My one brother who lives about five hours away was in the area with Sister-in-Law from Hell, having said their last goodbyes. They showed up at Mom’s, just three or four hours after Mom had left her sister’s side. </p>

<p>I said, “Brother, can you go pick up Midwest Brother at the airport this afternoon,” figuring that was the easiest task. The rest of us would go about planning the funeral, clearing out my aunt’s hospital room, clearing out her room at the nursing home, arranging the wake, talking to the priest, arranging for flowers, scheduling a restaurant for after the wake, scheduling a restaurant for after the funeral, making sure elderly people had transportation, calling friends and relatives, writing the obituary, talking to the funeral home people, etc… all these things had to be done in two days while supporting Mom through her grief at losing her only sibling.</p>

<p>“Well he’d have to sit in the back seat,” said Sister-in-Law from Hell . Surprised, I said that only one of them would have to go to the airport, so there could be plenty of room in their car. But SILFH was just making excuses, because she continued, “No, it’s impossible, we’ll be out of the area.” Remember, this was in the morning, and the airport pickup was to be in the afternoon. They were in the area then, obviously, since they were standing right in front of my mother. Apparently, they had been planning to go visit some friends and relatives on her side, and they couldn’t change their plans just because my brother’s aunt, who had had a close relationship with my brother, had passed away six hours before.</p>

<p>And then sister-in-law went on, “Could you schedule the funeral for <day> at <time>?” Even though she couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger to help because she was on vacation, we were supposed to schedule everything for her convenience.</time></day></p>

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<p>I want to remember this thread next summer. Wedding coming up, and, of course, we’ll invite Auntzilla and family. Historically, they rsvp that they are coming, but call at the last minute to cancel (an hour before the ceremony!). So, brides family ends up paying for the seats that they don’t show for. So far, I’ve been at 3 expensive functions where they bailed at the last minute leaving empty seats. I don’t count the family dinners that they don’t show for, as those are usually pot luck.</p>

<p>(On the plus side, when she does show up, she hurts feelings and stirs the pot by making rude comments about people. So finding their name cards at empty chairs actually makes for a better party.)</p>

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<p>I remember when my husband’s brother was getting married. He and my future SIL went out of their way to call me to explain that while they were asking H to be in the wedding, they weren’t asking me to be a bridesmaid because “you’re not blood” and they were only having “blood relatives” in the wedding. </p>

<p>Whenever anything went on with my in-laws for the next 20 years, my mom would say, “Well, they’re not blood, you know ;)”</p>

24

<p>H’s family is a very strange bunch. His mother needs to grow a spine. Denial is her biggest asset.</p>

<p>About ten years ago, the 2 sisters and brother arranged a formal portrait taken of the 9 grandchildren. Too bad there are 12, when you count our 3. They were aged 1-18, all in matching outfits. His mother? “Oh gosh darn. Why be upset you weren’t invited? It was just a spur of the moment, thrown together idea.” She seriously believed the other sibs. Get a grip.</p>

<p>Is she a moron? A professional photographer takes a picture of 9 people in matching outfits and it’s decided that morning? Yeah…right. It’s a huge picture and it’s hanging smack dab in the front at eye level when one opens the front door. I know where it will be when we have to get a dumpster and clean out the house at the end :)</p>

<p>On a different occasion, we were going to attend Christmas and put our kids’ names in the name gift exchange. Older sis says, “No, you can’t be in it in case you don’t show up and S1 doesn’t get his gift that day.” Sigh… S1 was 18 years old!</p>

<p>I always thought my family was dysfunctional. Or, at least I did until I got married…twice. All I can say is, we’re really glad we’re two hours away. Close enough for an emergency…far enough to dismiss <em>most</em> of the other stuff.</p>

25

<p>Although I’ve plenty of stories to share about my family (one brother in particular), my mind regresses to an event I witnessed when I was working last summer.</p>

<p>I had been called to a nursing home for one of our newer patients. Lots of family was present and some of them were having a difficult time. Some people were absent (at the total disgust of those present, of course), some had been there for many, many hours, some were speaking to each other and some were not. So I tried to assess the situation to figure out who would best be open to my support; I went out to the nurses’ station to see if any staff had any insight. Little did I expect to find out that there were family members already planning the funeral, including having reserved the funeral home for a specific day, based on the family member’s schedule. The patient wasn’t even dead yet, nor could anyone predict whether it was going to be hours or days. Yet they had already put a deposit down on a place for like three days later because it was convenient for one of the family members (I’m suspecting trying to one upshot other family members). </p>

<p>I think I ended up giving more support to the facility staff that night, who were just aghast that this family was so incredibly hurtful to each other at such a time. I literally had never seen family members play so passive-aggressive in such a sick manner (manipulating the time and place of a funeral before someone dies).</p>

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<p>Hey teri-
Take a look at my post # 3. Sounds just like my cousin’s wife (and my uncle), only she wouldnt bother to show up.</p>

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<p>When I was giving birth to Child Number 4, MIL (of the golf ball fame) was watching the other three. The arrangement was for DH to call when we were close to delivery because I wanted the kids to meet their brother shortly AFTER he was born. After, not during. I was very, very clear about that. I heard DH tell his mother to come to the hospital, go to the waiting room and he would fetch them at the right time. So there I was, in the ladylike position one is in while pushing a baby out and having the usual amount of fun that goes with it, when I heard a familiar voice coming down the hall calling, “Helloooooo? Hellooooooo?” Yes, MIL was wandering down the labor/delivery hall, kids in tow, from room to room disturbing the peace and looking for us. I bolted up and grabbed my husband by the shirt and looked him in the eye and told him with no ambiguity whatsoever, that he’d better do whatever it took to make sure that she, and the kids, did not enter into the room, which he did.</p>

<p>I can see now, looking back, that some people, are simply going to do whatever it is they feel like doing, no matter how clear you make your wishes. It’s best to bypass the possibility of that happening when the stakes are high.</p>

28

<p>

Oh that’s a beautiful excuse you had there!
My MIL was famous for apologizing to me for not being close to my kids because the only grandchildren you can be sure of are your daughter’s kids, you know.</p>

<p>

This is such a great visual!</p>

<p>I’m particularly enjoying the descriptive nicknames like Uncle Rude. I am calling Mim’s MIL Golfball in Law. </p>

<p>These stories are great and jym had a wonderful idea with this thread.</p>

29

<p>Thanks, Zoos. I’ll trade you my cousins and brother for your niece and sister. Deal? Oh, I am throwing in another cousin for good measure. I’ll tell a story or two about her after you accept the trade:)</p>

<p>Will be back later-- am off to synagogue for FIL’s yartzeit.</p>

30

<p>

I don’t know, jym! I have a brother-in-law to be traded later just in case. Although I think you could probably do a lot with my niece. I should be generous and wish an excellent therapist for her. Might make for a happy life. As for my sister, well, her misery is currency and I don’t think she would be too generous in letting it go.</p>

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<p>Lafalum, this happened to me! The only difference was that I was not in the wedding party (fine with me), and there was no phone call to explain. Here was the kicker…when it came time for wedding photos the bride (ex-SIL) said that I cannot stand be in them with my then fiance (we were getting married literally weeks after them and my fiance is the groom’s brother. We had a wedding date first and were engaged first. They scheduled their wedding just in advance of ours after they found out about our engagement and wedding date…so a seperate little intentional faux pas. They got engaged after they heard that we were engaged)! The bride said that since I was not part of family and not in the wedding party I was not allowed to be in the wedding photos. This was said in front of the entire wedding party and immediate family! Oh, and they got divorced years ago, and my then fiance and I have been married for over 25 years! I don’t even know if their wedding album still exists, but I know that my BIL does not have the pics on his coffee table. He remarried years ago. </p>

<p>mimk6, I have a story similar to yours as well. My inlaws showed up to the hospital to see their first grandchild, and then to visit me. They brought a gift for me. It was a bunch of unwashed green grapes presented to me in the grocery store bag. Who brings a gift like that to anyone, let alone to a DIL who just gave birth to their first grandchild?</p>

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<p>From another planet would definitely be an apt way to describe my paternal grandparents, as well as my boyfriend’s father. </p>

<p>The grandparents I’m referring to in this case are my dad’s father and step-mom. These two are the most pompous, self-righteous people, and yet have behaved so diametrically opposite to their supposed values constantly. It began years ago when my older brother and sister, who my father took in as his own when he met my mother, were not allowed to sit on the furniture in their house, because it had been hot and they were a little sweaty (but not dirty). </p>

<p>Years later, they presented my father with a beat up, cheap porcelain nativity set for a Christmas present, knowing full-well that he is not religious. In order to give this present value to him, they told it that it had belonged to his grandmother. He actually liked the present until we took a closer look at the box and realized that the date it had been manufactured was years after she had died, and they had clearly fabricated the story. (My father was really hurt by this.)</p>

<p>The last straw with his parents, which is why I do not speak to them anymore, was after my uncle’s divorce. He married a younger woman who attended church in the same circle as them, and they became very close friends with her parents. When she (emotionally) cheated on him with another man from her church and left him, she blamed it on his misdeeds and my grandparents refused to speak to their own son for at least several months, I believe longer, because they were embarrassed in front of their friends. </p>

<p>As for my boyfriend’s (and most likely future husband’s) father, he falls into the same vein of supposed piety. He routinely forgets to call his own children on their birthdays, and yet once called his family to let them know it was the Pope’s birthday. He takes every opportunity to bring up God and his strong faith in conversation, and yet the reason he is divorced from my boyfriend’s mother is because he cheated on her. Then, he ran off to another state following the divorce proceedings to dodge child support payments, and to this day cries poverty whenever the agency catches up to him in spite of making six figures. In addition, he routinely goes after the mother of his children with frivolous lawsuits, including one in which he sued her for throwing out some of “his” property. The property in question was abandoned in a barn he had been renting for storage and had not paid on for several years. Because he ignored the woman’s numerous attempts to contact him, she was forced to call his former wife and have her pick up the belongings. She still has almost all of what was in the barn, but was forced to discard a lot of it because it was improperly stored and was destroyed by rats. Oh, and this property was all from the house they shared and had built together, which he lost because he spent so much time at work complaining about the divorce that they fired him. </p>

<p>The most recent event in the saga of this jerkwad was my boyfriend’s graduation. Due to limited space, graduates only get four tickets, so my boyfriend was only able to invite a very limited number of people. He did avoid contacting his father for a while because he didn’t really want him to attend, but when his father actually contacted him, he told him that he only had one ticket for him and could not invite his wife because the rest of the tickets had been used on immediate family. Lo and behold, the morning of the ceremony, he showed up with his wife. It worked out okay because they eventually lucked into enough tickets for everyone, but before they had enough his sister and cousin were sitting in overflow seating while his father and his wife were in the arena waiting for the ceremony. </p>

<p>I understand that there are bad people out there, and some shamelessly so, but what truly disturbs me about the people described here is that they believe they are very morally upstanding, pious, and devout people, and yet are so self-absorbed and rotten. I just don’t understand how one’s self-concept can be so fundamentally different from reality.</p>

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<p>Grandpa Crazy passed on his bad genes to Uncle Crazy, his only son. My mother was caught in the crossfire most of her life and was hurt considerably by them both. When she was very ill with cancer, they visited together and at one point, Grandpa Crazy said something so stupid, and so evil, that she just gave me this look - and to me it said, “all my life, and even now, I have to deal with this pain they cause”. Heartbreaking. And a good lesson to give up on people who are just not worth the pain they will continue to cause you.</p>

<p>She died a few days later and their evil continued. First, Grandpa Crazy wanted a set of dishes back that he had given as a gift to my mother 30 years before. Then, we had to hold the ceremony because they were late. Finally, we waited for hours for them to join us the next day when we were setting out to take a final ride on Mom’s beloved sailboat to spread her ashes in the water. They had told us they were coming, and then decided to leave town early to beat traffic. They never let us know, we only figured it out later and it hurt so much at the time.</p>

<p>A few years later, Grandpa Crazy dies. Uncle Crazy doesn’t tell any grandchildren because we are “not worthy”. He tells a cousin, who tells my Dad, who tells me. I have to call Uncle Crazy to get “permission” to attend the funeral. He forbids me from telling his sons (his daughters are so estranged that they would never attend or contact their father). I tell the sons anyway and we meet that morning and strategize. Ever the family peacemaker, I meet them first, go down the block to remonstrate with Uncle Crazy, bring back sons (who he really wanted there anyway) and join everyone together for the funeral. Later, Uncle Crazy contacts my father and sends him a form to fill out to prove my mother is dead so he can inherit what Grandpa Crazy left for her. My mother would not have been surprised!</p>

<p>It’s sad really. He’s like a child having a tantrum who wants something but won’t ask for it and so he pushes away the people he loves. He has very little contact with his grandchildren as a result. A few, he doesn’t even know about.</p>

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<p>We learned long ago that some people will do that they want no matter what, so you have to have boundaries and protect yourself, like the MIL showing up during birth. My FIL asked to be there for my first DDs birth, awkward, especially since he is well known as a perv. We managed to not call him for that :D</p>

<p>When we got married, my DHs long divorced parents were supposed to be, and were rehearsed, with Dad in row 1 and mom in row 2. When she was walked in, prior to the Dad, as custom would have it, she stepped up into the front row. It was ugly in the back room for a while. Not from his Dad, whose MO was to avoid inciting conflict and be relieved he was no longer married to her, but when MY Mother told me what happened, I had thoughts about NOT walking down the aisle. MIL was a mean manipulative person until she had a brain injury a few years later, since then she is very sweet.</p>

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<p>

No worries, Zoos. I have my sis-in-law (my bro’s wife) waiting in the wings to trade as well. She is a serious piece of work. And I haven’t even gotten to my DH’s bro and his wife (the rest of DH’s family is great on both sides. I want to keep them!)</p>

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<p>I have a cousin I’ll throw in to even up the trade. Currently not on speaking terms with any blood relative. Not unusual I know … but what is unusual is that a different reason caused each rift!</p>

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</p>

<p>A friend of mine had a mother who was mean to the core and just not a nice person or mother. Then she had a stroke. The only effect of the stroke was that she turned into a nice person. It happens.</p>

38

<p>great idea for a thread! </p>

<p>mil, (may she rest in peace) upon being told by her s that we got engaged was furious we had gotten engaged without telling her first, and announced she would have nothing to do with the wedding. at my bridal shower my girlfriends were spooked by her iciness…this frost thawed only slightly when presented with grandchildren…</p>

<p>she told me to tell husband not to include her ex, his dad at the wedding. I told her as nicely as I could, that it wasn’t my place to tell him what to do, which earned me worst dil award for many years. husband did not invite his father, should have been a red flag. </p>

<p>fast forward, gave birth to my second, a girl, same day as my sil. my d was born on her due date, sil was two weeks late. not my fault :wink: the whole pregnancy I downplayed mine, as it was my second, (had 1 yr old son already) and they had infertility issues so we joined in focusing on their excitement. I personally thought it was fun to have my d and her girl cousin sharing a birthday and pictured them being as close as I was with my female cousins. I suggested we could have a joint babynaming at our house, (they lived in Manhattan/no space) I was told,"oh no, WE are going to have our d’s babynaming catered at our friends’ huge house. me, okay, no problem. day of small, intimate babynaming at our small house, sil and family criticize me for not having their d’s name on the cake? huh? but you said…:0 of course they never had a naming at said mansion. this attempt to share celebrations repeated several times til I learned the definition of insanity and stopped offering and accepted that they did in fact live in an alternate universe. one where the rules are competition, not cooperation, envy, not love and nastiness not support.</p>

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<p>When S was barely 4 years old and barely safe in the water, he was invited by preschool classmate to a birthday party. I called the mom and asked her a bit more about it, because he didn’t know the girl inviting him that well and I didn’t know her family at all. The mom said that it MIGHT involve swimming in a swimming pool and admitted that my S would NOT know a soul other than the birthday girl. I asked her if I could attend because S was NOT very safe in the water and I wanted to keep an eye on him if there was going to be water around. She grudgingly allowed me to attend but only after giving me a lecture that I needed to allow my S to “become ‘street smart’” and not be so “over-protective.” [Still wonder how a 4 year old is supposed to live long enough to develop “street smarts” if he isn’t given basic protections from known risks like drowning.] The parents of that kiddo are definitely Parents Oblivious! I believe the dad is a police officer & SHOULD take more of an interest in where the kiddo is spending time, but maybe it’s just me?</p>

<p>Poor S spent most of that party [which he was happy to attend] watching the other kids (who knew each other but were total strangers to him & mostly older) and trying to figure out how he wanted to interact with the others present. I DID get my kids to learn to swim as soon as they had the interest and ability but did NOT trust them in pool or beach parties until they were teens–just too much activity that they cannot control which could have dire consequences.</p>

<p>Another water incident–Captiain Oblivious, in his 30s was playing for about 30 minutes with his toddler niece & preschool nephew beside a swimming pool & suddently casually walks off. The pool owner calls out from 50 feet away, “Hey, who is watching those kids?” Captain O replies: “Beats me, I’m done playing with them.”</p>

<p>Makes you wonder why there aren’t more accidental drownings!</p>

<p>There was also an 8-year-old boy whom S invited over to our house to do a project. I called his folks to be sure they were OK with it & they said fine (we had never met). I asked when he needed to be home & they said “Anytime.” We fed the kid dinner & then wanted to take him home as it was dark & a school night but the kiddo wouldn’t tell us his address or phone number & we had no idea. H drove him up & down his neighborhood but he refused to ID his house. H finally had to take him back to our home where we had written down the phone number he initially gave us so we could ask the folks the address to return the kid. Later that year, the kid invited S over to his home. I asked S who would supervise & he said an older sibbling. I told S we would be happy to have S bring the kiddo over but he would never be allowed to go that friend’s home with such low supervision.</p>

40

<p>Oh, so we’re going to tell stories of neglectful parents, toddlers and water? D is a lifeguard at a town beach. Last year 2 parents showed up with 3 kids - D guessed they were about ages 5, 3 and 1, the youngest was still unsteady on her feet. The kids went down to the water’s edge to play while the parents sat on a picnic table at the back of the beach. D was keeping an eye on them while dealing with a bald, tatooed guy who was clearly from Planet Obnoxious, who kept intentionally running around breaking the rules to impress the two young bimbos he had brought with him. </p>

<p>D: “Sir, please don’t run on the beach. Sir, please do not do backflips off the dock.”
Obnoxious bald tattooed man: “Aw, this beach is no fun. When do you go off duty so I can have fun?” He then proceeds to get in the middle of a football toss with 2 ten year old boys and try to show them up.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, back at the water’s edge, D and her fellow lifeguard realize the picnic-table parents have vanished. Third lifeguard goes to the parking lot, finds them sitting in their car, where they tell him, “Oh our older child is watching our toddler.” (Remember, the older sibling is FIVE). Lifeguard points out the sign that says “All children under age 12 MUST be accompanied by a parent.” Parents slowly & reluctantly return to the picnic table, at least 50 feet away from the water’s edge where their 3 children are playing.</p>

<p>Finally 6pm came, which is when the lifeguards go off-duty. As D and her fellow guards left, they found the parents, again leaning against their car in the parking lot, told them they were leaving and there were no lifeguards watching their kids, and reminding them AGAIN of the rules. As D drove away, the parents were still leaning against their car in the parking lot.</p>

<p>I told her she should have called the cops when she left.</p>