<p>My D was so into UT at that age, that for Halloween she was a UT cheerleader. Funny how 4 years later it was “Don’t make me go there, Mom!” Luckily, she received enough FA so she could go to a different school. Give this time. Kids grow, mature and change their minds many times over. Who knows who he will be in 4 years? Maybe Berkeley would be a good fit then. No one predict at this stage in his life. Let him be a kid for now, especially since he recently lost his mother.</p>
<p>I think it’s understandable for this kid to be thinking about something that’s so far off. Maybe that’s what gets him through his present day grief. I’d be very supportive and let him lead the conversation. Perhaps he just needs someone to dream big with him right now. He’ll be in a more resilient place when the realities set in. There may well be a place for him in DIII football down the road.</p>
<p>Condolences to you on your loss.</p>
<p>I think most kids at his age having lost a parent are really looking for ways to connect with other adults in their life. His interest may have nothing to do with the reality of college; it may be that he’s picked up on the fact that talking to his aunts or step-aunts about Britney Spears or Wii or some new I-pod thingy doesn’t get much play, whereas talking about college is a way to sustain a relationship building idea.</p>
<p>It’s great you’re supportive… keep being supportive. He will need all sorts of adults in his life to navigate adulthood. By next year he may have forgotten about Berkely and it’s on to the next thing… or not… but I think you’re concerns are premature. Just be ready to listen to whatever is on his mind.</p>
<p>My son had a friend who lost his mom in 8th grade. The families in the neighborhood worked out a rotation after school so that he and his sister weren’t going home to any empty house but the father would be spared having to make phone calls every single day to figure out what to do with the kids after school. Great system. Funny thing though… all the kids wanted to do was hang out in the kitchen and talk to whichever grown up was home. We kept jiggling the schedule to make sure there was an age-appropriate companion of the right gender for both kids… and the kids were happy to ignore the child their own age, and just sit and gab with the parent who was home. Then the other parent would get home from work… and the kids would continue the conversation.</p>
<p>We quickly realized that after a long parental illness kids at this age have a deep rooted need to talk and be heard. Lots of things go unsaid while a parent is dying, and the kids need to feel connected and affirmed doesn’t go away… it just goes underground. So keep listening; it’s great your nephew has you to listen to him spin his tales of football and life in CA some day where he will live happily ever after.</p>
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<p>This is a good question, about the focus as a distraction. Ultimately, I don’t know exactly what’s going on in his mind. At his mother’s funeral, he “worked the room” introducing himself among some of the 3-400 people who showed up and glad-handing in a way. And this is the way he’s always been – social, upbeat. </p>
<p>I know at that time, he wasn’t really confronting what was happening. Death is pretty abstract for someone that young who hasn’t dealt with it before. I thought there’d be more turbulence when he was about 4-6 weeks out from her passing and realized that she was really gone for good, but I wasn’t on-hand to see. I think with he and his brother there are plenty of people who care and who would draw them out, but it might take them a lifetime of living and perhaps sorting through an issue that remains unresolved in a way. Myself, I’ve discovered we move forward, but a sense of loss persists in the background and I imagine will always be there. How much more so, I imagine, for a young son rather than for a brother.</p>
<p>He’s always been pretty driven towards the things he wants, and I don’t think this is in particular a shield from pain. He knows what he wants and he does what he can to make it happen. That’s why I think following the advice of folks here – which I highly appreciate – and giving him a taste of what college is and the process of choosing and applying may really spark his already active mind.</p>
<p>Here’s an idea that just came to me: I think I can probably get him in to see a Berkeley football practice in late summer – I’ve got strings I’d be able to pull through a big athletic donor I know. Without engineering an outcome too much, maybe I could just have fun with him there and then have a coach give him a very quick intro./notion of what it takes to get to a school like that. At the very least, I think he’d just have a good time. It’s the kind of thing he likes to do.</p>
<p>Just a thought. Any feedback appreciated.</p>
<p>Sounds like a great idea, and wonderful fun!</p>
<p>Reality, I think you have great instincts and your heart should be your guide. I don’t know when your nephew will begin to process the pain from his mother’s death. I would be worried that what I call the “grunting years,” from 14-16, will be tough for him. Boys that age seem to be lost at how to deal with any and all emotions. That’s why you’ll need to be aware of sudden depression or acting out from a comparatively minor setback. Stay in touch, and be the sounding board for your nephew. I’ve always thought that being an aunt or uncle is the best relationship; you can be close with so many fewer conflicts than the parent, and teens do need that.</p>
<p>I’ve read that males tend to deal with depression through activity, including by participation in sports, and that appears to be a good way for men to deal with depression, so your nephew’s interest in football after his mother’s death may be a very healthy way of coping.</p>
<p>i’m a teen, and i just want to tell you that people in 8th grade are COMPLETELY different from how they are in hs…i know of at least 3 people who got B’s and C’s (because they knew middle school doesn’t count for anything), and they worked their butts off studying and went to ivies (no sports even).</p>
<p>i would let your nephew dream, and not necessarily be the squelcher of all dreams and wishes. steer him into realistic directions? by all means. but, he hasn’t even started highschool…don’t tell him he won’t get it in at all!</p>
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<p>Yeah, I am not sure I worded that correctly when I said about steering him in realistic directions. Actually, all I want is to do what a lot of people here have suggested, essentially something like saying, paraphrased: “Cool, if you want to go to Berkeley (as an example), here’s what you should look at doing to make that dream happen. And if that particular dream changes, you’ll still be in good shape with a lot of options.” In other words, I want him to have a practical sense of what he needs to do to possibly realize his dreams; he’s a lot less likely to get that in his environment than if he lived in Palo Alto, Westchester County, Princeton, or a thousand other places. </p>
<p>As others have noted, dreams and plans change. As still others have said, the chances of him playing a varsity sport on the level he’s thinking of are still too early to discern for him, and generally would be slim for any average 8th grader.</p>
<p>What your last post made me think of was Randy Pauch’s “Last Lecture” which was a lot about childhood dreams and making them happen.</p>
<p>I love the idea of getting your nephew in to meet the coach and watch practice. My experience is that kids like him are just in awe of the big guys. And they either instinctively know that they might someday have the stuff … or not. And the coaches like to meet the youngsters that they may someday recruit (or not). It’s part of their job – but it’s also why they are in that field. They like to help develop young people. And this kid is one that needs someone to take an interest in him … you for one … and maybe a college coach as well.</p>
<p>Seriously, don’t try to discourage him from anything at this point (going to Berkeley, wanting to play college football, etc). He’s recently lost his mother…the last thing he should be dealing with is extended family discouraging him from following a dream. </p>
<p>He isn’t going to even have to think about college apps for another three years…he hasn’t even started high school yet. Now is the time to let him grow and develop his interests. No eigth grader (especially one who has had such a tough year) should have to be thinking about college.</p>
<p>Also - don’t say anything about how you think he wouldn’t get in to Berkeley…that’s just awful.</p>
<p>As an eight grader, he has yet to take a single class in high school, play a single HS football game or take the SATs. Obviously you know him better than we do, but by saying that you think he can’t get into berkeley, you’re not giving him a fair chance.</p>
<p>^^</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go near saying that – because I have no idea if it’s true for one thing. I suspect Berkeley might be too hard-core for him academically, but he does pretty well without applying himself too much. But even if I did know he couldn’t get into Berkeley, I still wouldn’t say it.</p>
<p>I agree with what you said about developing his interests. He is a goal-oriented person, though, and without prodding from anyone he hatched this idea of playing college at Berkeley. I just want to ground his dreams in some practical planning so they become more realizable. And I want to expose him to the fact that he’s got/will have a lot of options, particularly if he applies himself.</p>
<p>My son (then a strong C-minus student) decided at the end of 8th grade that he wanted to go to MIT and work in the Media Lab.</p>
<p>We discussed it seriously with him, gave him access to everything we could to enable this dream, and guess what? He went to MIT at the end of his junior year of high school.</p>
<p>I’m with those who say you should take it seriously and help him figure out what the steps are to get there.</p>
<p>And I’m sorry about your sister. It must be very difficult all the way around.</p>
<p>DMD77: Thanks for the condolences. The sense of difficulty ebbs and flows: in life, a stiff upper lip can be a good thing, but at the same time one doesn’t one to close down and pretend it’s all peachy and never sad. There’s a background, intermittently reappearing sadness not to be dwelt on too much. We commemorated in a quiet way her recent birthday and will do the same with the day of her passing. And meanwhile my baby daughter was born the same week we found my sister would pass; there’s a beautiful photo of her holding my newborn baby a couple of weeks before she departed! Bittersweet ====> sweet.</p>
<p>But to the point of this all: can I ask you to draw out in bit more detail what happened with your son and how you drew him out? If you don’t feel comfortable sharing here, please send me a message. What a great story! Your son sounds like a brainiac. </p>
<p>All I really know about my nephew’s intelligence/abilities, is he’s a smart kid but not an apparent brainiac, has a personality that will keep him on a good path I think, and like your son gets very involved in the things he thinks passionate about (right now it’s football and soccer). Eventually it will come back around to girls. Three or four years ago one time when he visited, he asked verbatim: “Hey Uncle _____, how do you get a date off a girl?”</p>
<p>RealityCheck: My son is now 21 so my memory of the time has been softened by the haze of memory… but my son was not doing well in school, as in “he might have to repeat math” (where in fact he was getting 100s on the tests and doing zero homework, thereby ticking his teachers off), and was angry and frustrated with the whole school system. </p>
<p>Having a goal–MIT–gave a context to things. It meant that grades had to be at a certain level, etc. We found a private school (boarding, as it turned out) with an emphasis on tests (rather than homework) and got lucky that it also had Saturday classes. I’m sure that sounds terrible, but it meant very short semesters and LONG vacations–which meant more time for goofing off doing engineering projects for fun. </p>
<p>So with your nephew: he wants to play football, so he has to be a starter in high school, so he has to keep his grades at the level that keeps him on the team, and he needs to stay in shape, doing appropriate mental and physical training. That’s good. Well, now how can he make himself desirable to Berkeley? Captaining the team would help—how can he make that happen, starting now? Well, interpersonal skills would help. Etc.</p>
<p>For an 8th grade kid just let them know that:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>He will probably change his mind multiple times through high school (and it is fine to do that)</p></li>
<li><p>The best plan is to do well in school, work hard in sports, and pursue ECs that interest him so that when it comes time to chose a college he will not have limited his choices through lack of effort.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Sounds like a great kid. Good luck.</p>