OP- I’m sure you’ve got “that friend” who wants to help but is always too busy to do something meaningful (or maybe a few of those friends). I always kept a backup list of chores by the phone for when those people called asking “oh you are so close to them, what can I do?” and of course- they could never take on the heavy lifting.
So- buying Windex, paper towels and toilet paper and leaving it by the front door. Showing up on garbage pickup day to bring the barrels down the driveway (or however your town handle garbage) and bring them back at the end of the day (takes all of 3 minutes). Dropping off an assortment of magazines the night before chemo day, again, leave by front door. Not that your friend really and truly needs this help- but it does three things- 1) keeps these well meaning folks from barraging your friend and the patient with constant “I want to help” calls (and then if the answer is- can you sit with George for a few hours when we get back from Chemo they always beg off…); 2) Allows a broader group of friends to help-- makes them feel good- and then down the road they may convert to helping in a more time intensive way. 3) Makes the patient/spouse feel like they’ve got a big network of people who are loving and caring and showing that love.
I think I felt worried about using help too soon and not having it when I needed it.
Sure enough, first mastectomy, family drove me and got me food, lots of support.
Second mastectomy happened right after my daughter had brain surgery. We were living together, and neither of us could drive, lift more than a carton of orange juice, and we had no help at all. It got exhausted the first time I guess.
I called a friend to pick up a prescription because we could not get to the drug store, too far to walk and neither of us could do that. The friend came to the door with a little bag with the pills in it and I was praying he would ask if we needed anything else. But he didn’t.
So just make sure the timing of help is optimal, or else keep up with it over the duration. My experience isn’t that unusual: people will help with specific things over a short period of time but anything that lasts more than a month or so gets harder.
My sister appreciated it when someone just showed up on her doorstep and said, “OK, I’m going to clean your house for you, go to the store, or do anything else you need right now.”
How about taking them a Honey baked Ham? Or any good ham, if they like ham. When we lived in London, one of the wives who lived out of town had carpel tunnel surgery. The wives who lived close to her took meals. It was an hour drive one way to take a meal out to her. I ran into a friend at the commissary and she was asking what the London wives could do. We were in the meat department, and I found some great looking hams. My friend took it to the patient’s family.
They were thrilled. Later she told me that they had it for days. Lunches and dinners, and even breakfasts. She even froze some for later. If they like ham, it could be easy for them.
Our college classmate’s wife is in hospice. We collected money from FB friends via venmo, etc and got them an home cooking delivery service gift card that should last into the first weeks of navigating being a widower. He can control the time and type of delivery so it isn’t just showing up.
My son almost died during a very extended illness and diagnosis when he was a child, and I can say that people who just did things were so valuable. Not that saying “let us know what we can do” or " just call if you need us" wasn’t appreciated – but the mysterious deliveries, the friends who took our dog for walks, sent us cards, made snacks for the car, did my laundry (yes, really) mowed the grass, etc… Sending cards is always good, too. One of my casual acquaintances made a point of hugging me. But you have zero brain cells for assigning tasks or making phone calls.
Compmom makes an really important point — “after” is almost harder, and people need support then. They need someone to sit with, someone to not swerve when they see you (this happens, a LOT) . They still need cards. They still have hobbies, and a new life, and challenges. Be there for the long haul, and don’t be scared of their grief.
Pro tip? Don’t ask “How are you”. Instead, try " I am so glad to see you"
Just a thought about that they are not social distancing. My Dad is dying - unexpectedly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer during a routine screening for something else in May. He’s drastically changed over the last few months and may not last the week. If he were up for it I would take him on any vacation he wanted or to any restaurant, activity, etc. If Hawaii weren’t essentially closed in May when he still felt well I would have been on the next plane with him regardless of the cost. They may find it worth the risk to go out if he isn’t going to make it regardless.
Also agree with all the comments on “how are you” or “what can I do”. I hope to never hear those words again. And when I can think of an answer to “what can I do” (such as asking my boss to help with a project so I can take off work or a friend to pick up something at a store they are already going to when they will drive by my house on the way home) the offer suddenly vanishes. That is painful in itself.
@PennyS, very good comment about the social distancing. I am very aware that my friend and her husband are trying to live life. I would do the same myself. Although unfortunately before this last month, their thought was that his prognosis was very bright. So I am very happy that they got to do some things that they really wanted to.
As I’ve said before and it was a very clumsy way of saying it. But I was just trying to say that they would be receptive to having someone bring over meals.
Didn’t mean to make anyone sad. We coped and laughed at the absurdity of the situation. And were probably too private about what we were going through. And we had each other. How many are alone with no help?
Just wanted to make the point that the timing of help is important, and that help in the long haul is an important consideration.
Love the comment about “swerving.” For sure. Human nature with death, illness, divorce. The people on this thread are better humans than most
@compmom, I think a lot of people just don’t know what to say. When my dad passed, a young man came to my office to express his condolences. I thanked him for coming by. He said “well, I wasn’t really sure what to say. I thought you might cry.” As a 50 year old woman, that made me laugh! I could imagine his dread of that scene - a woman his mom’s age breaking down - and also thought of how many times I hadn’t done the right thing because I didn’t know how. I still hold that “kid” in very high esteem for that social courage. It doesn’t help that we live in a culture that doesn’t really know how to have conversations about serious illness and death.
Not sad, but I think that it’s good to put words into what is an uncomfortable situation for people on the outside.
When my sister’s husband died, her son was going through drivers training. They lost the book and the lady at check in told them that the son couldn’t attend the session without the stupid book.
My sister starts ranting. My husband died, I spent days looking for the will. I have no idea where he hid this stupid book and if my kid doesn’t get his license, I’m going to flip out! That poor woman! She let my nephew into the class.
My sister and I laughed until it hurt. Because what else can you do.
Hi Deb, I haven’t been here in a few weeks. Everyone has such great thoughts and suggestions. I didn’t read through them all. I think every so often you should also contact her to get together for breakfast or lunch. Tell her that she doesn’t need to,discuss anything, it might just be nice to catch up, and then talk about things you normally would. It might be a nice break for her.
