Friendship among parents

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Since we’re talking about saints and sinner stories, I have one to add. A friend of mine became somewhat obsessed (my opinion) during our kids’ senior hs year, about “who’s drinking, who’s using, who’s doing the deed…” At one point, she felt the need to send me a link to some pictures she felt I <em>should see</em> (apparently having to do with something my son did). So I went to the link and sure enough, there were some pictures of kids at a party…they were “posing” with bottles of beer, cutting up as teens love to do. WAAAAAYYYY in the background of one of these pictures I could barely make out my son, standing there (couldn’t see if he was holding anything), from a side angle. Way in the back. One picture.</p>

<p>Anyway, in looking through these online picture albums, I came upon something very interesting. Her son, with a bunch of friends, passing around a bottle of vodka, lighting up, etc. I couldn’t resist. I wrote her back, thanked her very much, and without any explanation attached the link to the pictures I found.</p>

22

<p>My friends seem to be obsessed in the area of kids’ academics. It used to involve sports, but none of the kids seem to involve in the sports any more. Every time we get together the academics always come up. It isn’t about exchanging valuable information, but rather gossiping about teachers, particular tests were so bad (only if their kids did bad on it), … I have been taking some time off from these friends of mine.</p>

<p>Kelsmom, I did decide to do that. Let them hang out with each other.</p>

23

<p>My son will be starting college this fall, and we have just become friends with some of his friends parents. I am sort of sad, because they’re great people, but now that they boys are going off to different schools I don’t know if I’ll see them. We all have younger kids so we’re still all pulled in many directions with games, performances etc.</p>

<p>My daughter will be a hs sophomore. She is very social and involved in many activities, and through them we’ve met some great people. The only problem becomes when either DD or her friend ends that activity, we don’t see the parents any more. </p>

<p>The most awkward was when we became really good friends with the parents of her middle-school “sweetheart.” They were “together” for all 3 years. The mom and I co-chaired a committee for the school’s parent council, and we had their family over for dinner and vice-versa. Then the kids broke up just before high school, and 3 weeks later DD started dating a new boy. Since I have no kids left at the middle school and the kids aren’t a “couple” we rarely see the parents, and the times I have talked to the mom it’s sort of awkward. I think I was more upset about the breakup than DD, because I realized the impact it would have on my friendship with the mom! Lesson learned - we are friendly with the new bf’s parents, but not friends.</p>

24

<p>I think Lafalum’s experience is near universal - that when our kids move on to the next phase of life (college in this case) we stop seeing many parents whose company we enjoyed and with home we were “friendly.” That certainly has happened to me, and when I run into them around town, we might chat a minute, but we’ve lost a big chunk of what we had to chat about.</p>

<p>Now, that is different from the parents with whom we became <em>friends.</em> I’m distinguishing that from people with whom we were “friendly.” (I think that distinction that lafalum makes is key). Those folks - as in the best friends I described in my above post - well, our friendship grew over the years, expanded beyond just having kids the same age in the same school/same activities, and so stays strong. But this is a very few people - really just the one couple and another father (whose wife sadly died in our boys’ senior year, making him a widower and leaving us all the poorer for her loss).</p>

25

<p>There’s a group of people I’ve known since my college grad was in K garden. Our kids were on a soccer team together, and we came to know each other quite well through all those years on the sideline of games. Though only a few are good friends, it is worth keeping up the relationships, as we’ve gone through so much together over the years, that we know each others lives better than most. I still enjoy comparing notes on those now grown ‘kids’ and getting a feeling for the still unfolding developmental stages. </p>

<p>That distinction between ‘friends and friendly’ is a good one. Thanks!</p>

26

<p>Friends…
When I think about it, the people I am most comfortable around (besides H and my kids) are people who knew me <em>back when</em>.</p>

<p>They’re the people I can sit around and laugh my head off about silly stuff ,and watch tv with, and have those uncomfortable “silences”, and who know all the stupid things I did when I was a young immature girl. Those people have a definite “cord” to my soul.</p>

<p>The people who know me as an adult- who haven’t known the scars and the stupidity- it takes a lot more to get into the <em>circle of trust</em> than having kids in the same class, or on the same team. Not that I don’t love them.</p>

<p>Takes a lot more to connect the soul than having kids in common.</p>

27

<p>If you’ve moved, there is little connection to to those ‘back when’ But I agree, when around those special people, is amazing, and I feel more whole, as they knew me through many morphs of identity. Where I live now, I’m only known as a parent, or employee, or neighbor. Life changes, and is important to connect in whatever way to those you are surrounded by. But yes, there is a guarding, or whatever in those newer friendships that precludes certains sorts of intimacy. Has age changed us, or has society changed? I think a bit of both.</p>

28

<p>One of my best friends was met originally as “one of the other Moms” in son’s elementary school. We figured we’d drift apart when mine went to public HS and hers went elsewhere, but happily we were wrong. We still talk on the phone a couple times a week, and have a “warts and all” openness when it comes to the boys. She’s a great friend. </p>

<p>I haven’t found many competitive Moms here in our district, though you’re right-- there are some you run into at the store who seem to have the mental checklist going all the time-- collecting information on other people’s kids. And Dads can be just as bad, or worse, esp when sports are involved. That was the case in the local parochial school’s CYO sports program – political and competitive, and seemed to bring out the worst in some parents.</p>

29

<p>In 9 years at the same private school, I made several close friends with dads (and 1 mom) of S’s school mates. All the friendships started out discussing children and parenting experiences. However, toward the end of HS when our son’s conduct/choices became more “adult” and potentially serious, the friendships became more about sharing experiences when we were growing up (sex, substances and punishment if caught) which moved to our own adult happinesses, adult unhappiness, addictions (mostly past), recoveries and aged (or dead) parents of our own. </p>

<p>Now HS is over, the friendships are maintained with emails and occassional get togethers. As a pleasant surprise, discussing the son’s lives is a VERY small part of this post HS experience. Each of us (and especially the mom) is adament that their son is now “out of the nest.” We love them, but they get to live their own lives and we now have lives that do not revolve arround them.</p>

30

<p>I have had both experiences. One good friend has a girl and a boy about the ages of my kids. When my daughter was deferred from Harvard EA, her daughter, a double legacy, was accepted at Stanford. The thing is, my daughter had had a much more successful high school career, grades, scores, etc. Her daughter is really bright, actually I love the kid, but just had other priorities including boys. </p>

<p>I really didn’t want to talk about it. I went to see her one day, and she insisted on bringing it up. OK fine. But then proceeded to go on and on about another girl who had been accepted ED to Princeton and how her parents had made her study and how it was so bad for the girl etc. And, what got me, was that she never once said “Wow, we are lucky to have had that legacy status.” Instead seemed hell bent on justifying their daughter’s acceptance as well as their parenting practices. I felt like she had always secretly resented my daughter - which was ridiculous since when my daughter was a little kid everyone felt sorry for me since she was the one who had to be carried kicking and screaming from playdates because she was so strong-willed. I always just felt like phew, she beat me up so much when she was little I got an easy teenager as recompense…</p>

<p>Whereas I will always always point out that I have a legacy at Princeton when people ask how my daughter got accepted. Now, of course, I believe she was a great candidate and her academic performance has certainly indicated she had every right to be admitted. But still, to me as a parent of a high achiever it is your responsibility to be sensitive to others’ feelings. Since there is that element of randomness to it all.</p>

<p>I have another friend, still my best friend:), whose first daughter has quit college altogether and whose second daughter is being recruited by Harvard. I know with all my heart that if her second daughter gets into Harvard and my son is rejected from his first choice I will still be happy for her. Because when my daughter got into Princeton and then she had the experience with her oldest, she supported me and was genuinely happy for me. And because I love her daughter and by now I have really come to embrace that college is not all that. It does, however, give you the trump card if you need it when other people start bragging badly. I confess to having pulled it out when I had to listen recently to a woman talk about her daughter in high school who was the top polo player in America. And yes, I mean horses. Good lord, have you no sense of proportion woman? </p>

<p>My best friend is my best friend for good reason. The term has to have some meat to it, not just convenience. </p>

<p>I love to brag about my kids, believe me, but not when it hurts others.</p>

31

<p>Over the years, I’ve come to think that self promotion in this country changes quite a bit with geography. The midwest more self effacing, the coasts more braggardly. Lest you think I’m putting down other parts of the country, know that I’m from the west, and was married to a New Yorker. At times I see subtle differences in interpersonal function confuse and alienate people. Living here, I know I’ve toned down some aspects of my personality, and see others who have not, who I consider just fine, and fun, be less accepted. </p>

<p>Parents of an exceptional kid, when asked about college choices or scores, if impressive, might say “she does alright” </p>

<p>Am curious as to whether anyone else has noticed geographic differences. Some of these things change depending on neighborhood dynamics and so forth, but I think there are tendencies.</p>

32

<p>Most of my older D’s friend’s parents are old enough to be my parents - we are friendly, but not friends, mostly because we are at different points in our own lives despite the commonality of having a child going off to college. </p>

<p>I am closer to some of the moms of my younger D’s friends, though.</p>

33

<p>Irishmomof2 points out something that I think also contributes to the self promotion issue.</p>

<p>Most of the parents I have developed as friends are near to my age. We are the late life child/second/third family (aging) boomers. </p>

<p>At this point in our lives competition has loss a lot of its appeal. Self promotion seems to be an aspect of “see, I’m more successful than you because my kid is smarter, more athletic, more popular, better looking etc.” At some point, maturity or plain old age makes it not worth the effort.</p>

34

<p>Dunno bout that Dad. My seventy something parents are competitive battlers to the very end apparently. You’re too modest.</p>

<p>Radical moves mean that those who knew me ‘back when’ don’t know me. I don’t see anyone from high school. There is little common ground.</p>

<p>Lately I’ve been wondering if my present friends are freaked out by the current path of my boys. We don’t talk about kids that much but when I recount where they are at any given moment–it’s a radical departure from the normal track around here. I wonder what’s said behind closed doors. We seem to get more invitations from the thirty something friends in these Empty Nest days.</p>

<p>My situation only. Their friends can’t get enough of them when they are home.</p>

<p>They both have friends from primary school who will be their friends for life. I get a tick in the "Good Parent’ box for that one. I wanted them to have that touchstone and they do.</p>

35

<p>“Am curious as to whether anyone else has noticed geographic differences”</p>

<p>Definitely. I’m from the NE, and people there are definitely more self promoting. Doing so is considered to be an asset.</p>

<p>I’ve also lived in the Midwest, South and West. What southerners consider being modest – a trait highly valued there – is considered being passive and uninteresting in the NE.</p>

<p>Midwesterners are more modest than people in the NE (heck, anyone is more modest than Northeasterners, particularly those from places like NYC), but still are not as humble as are southerners.</p>

<p>There are exceptions, of course, to these generalities.</p>

36

<p>Wow- I’m from the northeast (Long Island, no less) and don’t see this rampant self-promotion at all. Maybe in certain circles-- like young kids’ sports (until the kids get wise to the fact that their Dads might be living vicariously or re-living their own youths through them!).</p>

<p>But in terms of academic pursuits, most parents (and students) at our public HS are pretty low key, and I can count on less than one hand any real braggarts I’ve encountered. Maybe it’s different in some of the more academically competitive districts (the ones that people new to the area seek out, for better or worse). </p>

<p>In my family it’s the mid-country relatives who are more apt to toot their own horns (particularly my rural-raised mother, so yes, there are exceptions). There is a “we’re the salt-of-the-earth” attitude that’s too quiet to be considered braggy-- it’s more smug, really. But we all get along, even if my uncle does refer to us as “bunny huggers.”</p>

37

<p>I think it just depends on the person. I’m from the midwest and a lot of my mom’s friends are very self-promoting (but I wouldn’t say that that is indicative of the entire region). I think (in the case of my mom’s friends) it just comes from being pretentious upper-middle class black mothers.</p>