<p>aries- well I was assuming that there was a bit of exageration to make a point going on.
In our area that wouldn't have been an issue anyway, since everyone has cell phones ;)</p>

<p>My S & I have talked about a few situations with girls being very needy and possessive.In 1 case, the girl's parents asked the boy to stay with them over summer "because she was falling apart without him". His parents had to end the relationship, for their son's and their peace of mind. Fortunately for your son, this girl is remaining home, and not someone he meets at college. Is your S as enthusiastic about her as she is of him? Does he feel suffocated? Have you discussed this with him?</p>

<p>Procrastination is a family trait, so it was no surprise that S's shopping began last day. (seriously, I had linens & stuff laid out for weeks, but when he finally got ready to pack, he didn't like my choices, and we were in BB&B at 9 pm!!! Laundry was dry by time we got home.</p>

<p>"This from a mother that is used to super-organizing everything."</p>

<p>But that time is over. It's now his time to organize his life, and if he chooses to do what many do -- procrastinate about things like packing -- then let him be the one to feel the consequences by going off to school with dirty clothes and having to buy supplies there. That's what it means for him to be a grown-up.</p>

<p>"And no, I don't think it's a healthy act on his girlfriend's part to call 6 times an hour."</p>

<p>I don't think anyone here thinks it's totally healthy. It isn't, however,unusual for teens to act like that when they are going to be separated for a while. I also think that it's something for your son to deal with however he chooses unless he decides to do something drastic like not go to college because he doesn't want to leave her. If she continues to do that while he's away, more than likely, he'll cut off the relationship because she'll be driving him crazy. If you, however, interfere now, that probably would cause him to defend her and would draw them even closer together while causing him to reject you even more.</p>

<p>"Apparently I as a parent haven't done a good job of preparing him, because he is acting like a kid going into 1st grade and not doing anything that is his personal responsibility. "</p>

<p>Not true at all. He's his own person. You aren't responsible for his behavior. He is. There are kids who come from disorganized homes who are super organized. The reverse is true, too. Much as we love our kids and try to teach them what we think is the right way to live their lives, in the end, they are the ones who make the decisions about how to live. </p>

<p>"I think that part of my role as a parent is to somewhat monitor this and not just step back and watch what's going on.</p>

<p>I guess it's different in your house. We all raise our kids differently."</p>

<p>Perhaps you didn't mean to, but I felt that you were implying that I don' tcare about my sons, and that hurt me very much. </p>

<p>I agree that it's wise and appropriate to monitor our teen's behavior. At the same time, I think that when teen is old enough to be going away to college shortly, it's important for us to step in only when there's true danger involved. I see our role now as mainly being available to listen to them as they work out their inevitable difficulties. If we try to force them to see the kinds of relationship concerns that you're describing, that may only cause them to withdraw from us and not let us know when there are even more serious things going on. </p>

<p>Anyway, I know that this is probably a stressful, bittersweet time for you as it is for most loving parents as our kids prepare to leave the nests. I wish you and your family well.</p>

<p>While my son is not a freshman going off, I can definitely relate to the feeling of being off his radar screen now that he's in a serious relationship. It's hurtful when they seem to be so wrapped up with the girl friend that common courtesy and just a little thoughtfulness is sometimes in short supply. I do agree (such as in your cookout example), that you definitely need to call him on this. </p>

<p>Recent example: I was very annoyed when I offered to make dinner for my son and his g.f.(they were at our home for a long weekend--g.f.visitng from out-of-town), and he said he wasn't sure what their plans were yet. I said fine, just let me know either way. Well, they took off for the city without a word...I had to find out by calling him on his cell. Well, I certainly did make my feelings known...I don't think it is being a good parent to ignore inconsiderate behavior. </p>

<p>All that being said, I do think that your son's behavior is related to struggles over separation. His avoidance of packing and preparation is a denial of what is to come. And, at his age, it is normal for much or all ofl his feelings of loss to be experienced in relation to peers rather parents.</p>

<p>So, in sum, I think that it's important to understand what's behind his frustrating behavior, but to still have reasonable expectations when it comes to how he treats others.</p>

<p>OP, did you invite the girlfriend to the cookout? Perhaps they can go to both families' events together. Don't underestimate your son's attachment to the girl, especially to his face. </p>

<p>If she's really that clingy as you say, he'll get sick of it when he is having his new-found freedom at school</p>

<p>BTW, I have read quite a few threads lately from parents (mostly mothers) concerned with their departing sons' "manipulative, needy, cunning" girlfriends. Sounds like alpha female position jockeying to me.</p>

<p>Motherdear, </p>

<p>I do believe there is some exponential effect of combining 'the first girlfriend' and 'leaving for college'. And I do recognize the 'alpha female' issue. But (to a prior post), the six phone calls in an hour in the morning is no exaggeration. In fact this happens not only at home in the morning but it happened when he was visiting my brother earlier this summer. Man did they razz him about this. In fact, my sister-in-law read him the riot act about not getting too serious too early. It seems that while he was away, the girlfriend called enough to get the whole family somewhat concerned. But enough of that.</p>

<p>We all seem to agree that there is some degree of courtesy that would be appropriate. This wasn't about 'competing' for my S's time. I was initially told that she was going to a family event on Sunday. I planned our (small) cookout and we were all doing ok. Then, out of courtesy, I invited her to come as well. I figured that if it fit in her schedule, she could come, and I figured even if she couldn't come, at least she wouldn't feel excluded. At that point, she said that she was busy and later my S said he was going with her to her event and couldn't be here either.</p>

<p>He went on vacation with them, the mother seems to think 'they are made for each other and isn't it nice that they found each other so early'. I can get past all that, I just want him to live up to his commitment AND pack for college (ok I guess the consensus is I should concede on that one.)</p>

<p>apple17, After reading more of your post on this thread - if I couldn’t elicits the GF into getting your S packed then, I would just do it. I know, I know, I know…….but for my own emotional well being and to make sure S gets out and to school on Tuesday – I’d have the washer and dryer going 24/7. By Tuesday morning everything would be organized, packed and ready to go. The number one goal NOW - is to get him to school; which will also get him away from GF and GF’s family. You only have 2 days; therefore, leave the other issues of learning to respect your family, the problems related to procrastination, and letting someone else (i.e. GF) run your life -for another time. I have a feeling once he gets to college and matures these other issues will resolve themselves. Again Good Luck</p>

<p>See, what happens is when kids don't pack stuff, then they end up spending more money for basics...and that can add up, so sure, you can buy it there, but why, just cause a kid is too lazy?</p>

<p>If he has to buy stuff he was to busy to pack, don't send it for awhile, and don't send extra money...simple...that is consequences..why should a parent have to put stuff in a box, and go to ups or whatever, or send more money because kid used his up...that is the real world...its not mean...its practicle....</p>

<p>and why should we leave things like respect for family for another time...boy we let kids walk all over us because they are going through something...gosh like going off to college</p>

<p>I have a friend whose child is having major surgery this week, three weeks before he leaves for college....its a big deal...yet he is respectful, caring, etc..</p>

<p>Do not pack for him...let him pack...but be strong and don't rush and send the stuff he forgot...if he asks, take you sweet time...its not pay back...its having to deal with the real world, and you have stuff to do, etc...people will say, but that is mean...nope, its a consequence</p>

<p>I am still so surprised that some parents say to excuse rude behavior from another adult...</p>

<p>see, why do that...why go to bb^b at 9 at night and probably spending more because it was his whim? </p>

<p>why are parents expected to bend over backwards for these kids, and yet we are to expect nothing from them? common courtesy is not to much to ask...and why are these kids, these poor kids who have everything, who are going off to a great place, why are we supposed to let them act like jerks></p>

<p>slam away</p>

<p>If my husband for example- was busy with something that was really important to him & I could help him out by packing for him- I would
I wouldn't necessarily wash everything for him, but I would throw it in a suitcase.
if he forgot something & I ran onto it- I would not play little games to "teach him a lesson" how juvenile.</p>

<p>I try and behave, like I would want to be treated- period.
If that means sometimes I have to give or bend 120% so be it
I know that at times I will only be giving 80%
It all works out</p>

<p>but the son isn't busy...sure. if he was working, but he is not, he is just not bothering...that is a very very different thing...he seems to have plenty of time to hang with friends etc</p>

<p>its not a game, but if a person has things solved for them, mom coming to the rescue, people never learn</p>

<p>its just not jumping threw hoops for someone who CHOSE not to put much effort into getting stuff ready, and the stuff that stopped them from getting ready was all social, that is not the same as someone who is working, volunteering, or something like that...but if its a person who has decided that it is not important, why should a parent rescue them....</p>

<p>again its not a "game" to teach a lesson, its more juvenile to leave everything to the last minute and then expecting mommy and daddy to fix it...if person decides to leave everything to the last minute, does everyone else have to jump threw hoops, run around, make special errands cause the other adult couldn't be bothered? and then be ungrateful to boot?</p>

<p>I agree with emeraldkity -- the purposely delaying sending items to ones child seems really juvenile</p>

<p>and citygirlsmom... no offense but your post comes off as overly harsh to me. I'm only a rising senior but to some of us going off to college is going to be a difficult transition time and the way I interpreted your post it seems as if you don't feel it is.<br>
Maybe in some cases it is a case of just being "too lazy" but like other posters have mentioned, packing and having 'sendoff' parties are sometimes difficult because kids have to face the fact that they're leaving their home, friends, and family to go to a foreign environment. I apologize if I interpreted your post completely wrong but that's how I read it.</p>

<p>As a parent I know my mom would feel like it was her duty to help me pack and send me missing items if need be. Apparently not all parents feel that way but if you're not willing to go a little out of your way for your own child, who's leaving home for (maybe) the first time...</p>

<p>so, ek, if a kid left his toys out in the rain, and you reminded them to bring them in, would it be juvenile to not replace them right away, if at all</p>

<p>if your parked and didn't feed the meter, would it be juvinele to not pay the fine, and expect them to pay for it</p>

<p>if you told your adult child that they needed sweatshirts at college because it was cold, and they ignored you, should you rush of to the post office and mail them their sweatshirts or send money so they can buy them right away, or let them see what is what, and that sometimes planning is a good thing</p>

<p>this is not being juvenile, its not fixing the minor problems for them that they were warned about, had a clue about, but purposely chose to do nothing about</p>

<p>these are choices made to procrastinate, and so long as mom and dad are there to pull it all together all the time, people don't learn</p>

<p>when people have the time, and make decisions to not use it wisely, it is a mistake for parents to step in to fix it all the time</p>

<p>I guess we'll just have to disagree with this one because I mean... well first of all I don't see who wouldn't bring a sweatshirt or two but just for the example- yes, I would definitely send them sweatshirts even if I had to go out and buy new ones. They will learn eventually, I wouldn't make them go cold just to prove a point</p>

<p>we expect better behavior from middle schoolers than we expect from young adults </p>

<p>all the whining about how hard it is...please you are blessed, a coddled generation</p>

<p>there is less whining from soidlers going off to war, or kids going in for major surgery, or from kids who's parents are paying for nothing</p>

<p>I would gladly send stuff to my D if she forgot thngs, but i would expect at a minimum she cared enough about the journey she was going on to do much of it for herself</p>

<p>kids want it all- treat me like an adult, let me do what i want, don't call me at school, but don't expect me to be responsible and get my )(*# together on time, or spend time with my family, or have some manners</p>

<p>call me harsh, but I see a lot of kids who have no clue how lucky they are, a very entitled generation</p>

<p>think back 40 years, and kids your age were getting drafted, going away to a place they didn't want to go, yet, I can bet you they didn't treat mom and dad badly</p>

<p>after talking to many people my age, they don't remember this transition being so difficult...their parents don't remember the rudeness, etc...somehow previous generations coped so much better, why suddenly now it is so difficult...or are parents allowing their college students to get away with stuff, </p>

<p>during the world wars, people enlisted and went to fight, and it was much much scarier than anything kids going off to college can even imagine, and if you want to talk about a god, that was the roughest kind</p>

<p>whatever you think about me, I don't care, i just can't stand hearing about lucky lucky kids with fairly normal, non traumatic lives who are going off to not work, support a family, have to deal with sick siblings, parents, talk about how tough it is and that somehow that justifies being rude</p>

<p>kids going off to college are the luckiest people in the world</p>

<p>my point was if they were trying and were involved in packing etc and forgot something I would send it</p>

<p>but if they just couldn't be bothered, cause hanging with friends etc, and they blew you off, and then forgot tons of stuff, me, I would make them wait, they waited to get it together....</p>

<p>those are two different scenerios. but if you can't see the difference....well, I see the difference</p>

<p>To be clear, if a student going off to college was putting some effort into getting ready- packing, organizing, etc., of course I would go out of my way</p>

<p>But it a young adult was too lazy, too busy socially, just couldn't be bothered to pull it together, knowing that mom will swoop in and make it all better, as a parent, you do that person a disservice by doing it all for them</p>

<p>I am looking forward to HELPING my Ds get ready for college, but I will not be doing everything for them...I will offer to take them shopping, but not always on their schedule, i will help with whatever they need, but they need to be doing much themselves. if our family wants to do a nice going away dinner, because it is important to the relatives, I would hope my Ds see that it also about other people being able to wish them luck, say tata, etc., and that sometimes doing something for others is a good thing...</p>

<p>this excuse, well, its toooo hard for the student to say good bye to family friends etc., yet they do whatever they need to to get together with gfs, and seems just too hard for people that they don't want to hang with, and why don't kids see that something is important to their parents, the people that raised them, etc...that somehow parents get shoved to the bottom of the totem pole, if on it at all....</p>

<p>but if you don't think a young adult going off to college should show respect, responsiblity, caring for family, that is your family...enjoy it</p>

<p>I think CGM's point is that, if a kid is so irresponsible as to not take care of himself, when he presumably wants to be treated as an adult, she would not go out of her way to accomodate that behaviour.</p>

<p>My parents have occaisionally sent/delivered (when school was close to home) stuff that I forgot; however, I'm very organized and do everything myself. They didn't feel like they were catering to me or covering for my ineptitude. That's a far cry from doing everything for your kids. </p>

<p>I tend to think that it takes ONE day going cold - say, a coat that is shipped via UPS ground, not FedEx, to make the point. It's also pretty easy to see that parents (or, hell, anyone) are happier to go out of their way for people who help themselves.</p>

<p>Just as a kindness, I would do the laundry. And make a list of things he should pack. But I would not do the packing. Boys can live with remarkably few things. And they can pack in about 1 hour.</p>

<p>I just remember that both my mother and my mother-in-law always did the laundry for us when we visited. It's such a time-consuming chore, just waiting for machines to stop so you can change them. So I always do the laundry for my kids when they're home - it's no big deal. It's just a kindness that doesn't take much time out of my day if I'm at home anyway.</p>

<p>I know that there were times in my life when I wasn't the most thoughtful person, but that didn't stop others from being kind to me. Kids learn from example...</p>

<p>Oh - and one more thing. If you send him off to college with hours of dirty laundry, he'll probably spend the time at the laundromat talking on the phone with his GF. Wouldn't you rather have him ready to face a new social scene looking spiffy?</p>

<p>"And they can pack in about 1 hour"</p>

<p>I nagged on and off for the last week about packing, etc. to which my son always replied "I'll get it done". Of course the last days he wanted to spend with friends, catching the last hours on the lake, hiking, playing golf, etc---"Hey, Mom, it's the end of my summer!". I decided to let it go and let him suffer natural consequences. Well, to my surprise he packed in 40 min. flat just before we pulled out! Guess I'm the one who learned the lesson ;).</p>