<p>SteveMA-my older D is on FB, her brother is not. He’s quite hardware savvy, has no interest in being online. When his sister was dating a loser jerk just after HS, S figured that out without having to go online and told her what he thought. But in the end, she had to figure out for herself what to do about it. Going online and looking him up wouldn’t have helped or hurt the process in any way.</p>
<p>sseamom–but if your D was away at college and you didn’t know this loser jerk, how would he know he was a loser jerk to tell her so? For now, when our kids are still in town, we know or meet everyone they hang out with, not an issue, when they are 4 states away in college and D calls up (or texts) that she has a new boyfriend-you bet I’m checking to see what he looks like on FB :D. She would probably tell me to do just that anyway…</p>
<p>I’ve already answered most of these questions. But to give you an idea of the type of things I looked for and supposed might be true about D’s new boyfriend, all of which wound up being true: similar religious background and belief, same major, outgoing, lots of friends, amiable, active in church, family life is very important, parents are very involved and very protective, intelligent, very talented, and very devoted to responsibilities both with family and church…and much more…and very specific things that I won’t go into. So, that made me more comfortable about him in general. When the relationship had gone on for a while, we invited him on a day trip with the family and it further solidified my opinion. You can tell a lot about a person by the things they “say” on Facebook, and by the things others say about them. You can see who they hang out with the most, the activities they enjoy, and in his case, there were videos, so talent and personality came through. I won’t apologize for looking through public information - especially when it’s autobiographical</p>
<p>Sseamom, not all families have that diverse of a dynamic or value set. I know ours does not.</p>
<p>east - I refuse to be FB friends with my kids or their friends because I think it is creepy. Some of their BFs have made the request and I have ignored. But many posters on CC seem to think it is perfectly normal. I have advised my kids that they do not need to be FB friends with their adult relatives or friends either. You know, whatever you think it is normal.</p>
<p>MY girls will generally take what we have to say very seriously, and we wouldn’t give an opinion unless we absolutely have to when it comes to their relationships. I know I only have few bullets and I will use them judiciary. I have only said once to D2 that someone wasn’t a BF material. She agreed after few disappointments.</p>
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We all like to think our kids are trustworthy. I am more into verify and trust. My parents also thought they had a perfectly good, obedient daughter. Why would you wait until your kid has been arrested or had a drug problem before you would check up on them?</p>
<p>Are we talking about teenagers or adult children? When someone says “kid”…I honestly get a little confused. Adult children…you either trust them or you don’t and not amount of meddling via googling their dates or their family is going to help.</p>
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<p>Out of curiosity I might. But there’s really nothing I would do with the information. </p>
<p>I found a twitter account belonging to a friend’s daughter. There is some mildly unsavory stuff in there (not terrible, but references to drinking and so forth). I’ve not said anything to my friend nor do I plan to. She can stalk her own daughter if she chooses, LOL.</p>
<p>I am FB friends with my kids, but I don’t comment on their wall / posts. I may be in a “limited access” mode and not see all their posts; I don’t know for sure. That’s fine with me, though. I can’t imagine ever FB-friending their friends. </p>
<p>I think this someecard is apropros for this discussion:</p>
<p>[I</a> live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I’ve stalked you on the internet. | Confession Ecard | someecards.com](<a href=“http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi1lMThkYjQzOGFjOGFlMmI1]I”>I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet. | Confession Ecard)</p>
<p>Both of my kids Facebook friended me (actually, my S set up my account) and a few of their friends have. I have a policy of not requesting friends from the younger generation, but if* they* send me a friend request and I am friendly with them, I accept. My S’s long-term (six years) GF has not friended me even though she is over at our house a lot. Up to her. </p>
<p>My D’s fiance sent me a Facebook friend request early in their dating relationship. I was delighted (had met him by that point). Now that they are planning a wedding I can use Facebook to see some of the invitees (friends of his) who will be traveling to the wedding, including his attendants, whom I will not meet until the wedding rehearsal. I will recognize them and their significant others when I meet them, thanks to Facebook, which IMO is nice as there will be a lot of people new to me at the wedding. </p>
<p>And yes, I did Google him – already knew he was a talented and very decent guy, but the additional background gave me additional info about him which was nice to learn. Did not change any opinions at all, but simply provided additional details that were interesting. </p>
<p>Don’t see any harm from any of this. Just one opinion.</p>
<p>D1 is all over Facebook checking on anyone who asks D2 out (and there have been many!). Usually D1 and I do it together now and chat about it. :)</p>
<p>However… Googling/checking out can have unintended consequences. Several years ago D1 was a little interested in a boy at her high school who had an unusual living arrangement (with grandparents). I Googled him, and discovered that his dad had shot and killed his mom, then himself when the boy was very young. No one at her school knew… and I did not spill the beans until many years later to D1. But I sort of wished I had not snooped, as it was a very sad and upsetting story (3 kids left behind).</p>
<p>I guess I need to clarify, again, that it was the tone, in the first page or so, and intermittently after, of checking up in order to watch out for and possibly warn, one’s adult child, about the person they chose to see.</p>
<p>That’s not, I think, what you’re talking about, JEM, and some others. I myself don’t make a practice of googling, checking on Linkedin, etc, my kids’ dates. But my objection, from the start, was the air of “checking out” which has been a subtheme here (and seemed to be what the OP was about) which is not just the mere curiosity others are conflating with it.</p>
<p>And honestly, I think I am better off learning about my D’s fiance through personal acquaintance and what she tells me. That’s how my mom got to know my H, and that worked out just fine.</p>
<p>And that’s all I’ve got to say–don’t want to keep you all from your infoquests! ;)</p>
<p>east:
If I found out my daughter’s date is married, I would tell her. How many people here would keep it themselves? A friend of mine only found out a guy she was dating for few months was married.</p>
<p>Quote:
What if your daughter is dating at age 30? Will you still google her dates? When will you stop?
If I found out my daughter’s date is married, I would tell her. How many people here would keep it themselves? </p>
<p>So your answer is yes, when they are 30 and beyond, you will still be not only googling, but looking up public records on your long-past-college age kids dates. Unbelievable.</p>
<p>I think I answered yes already. I google everything. Even before it was the norm, I used to google people before I would meet them for business. I gave the same advise to D1 when she was interviewing. I can see on Linkedin who has checked out my profile. When I interview someone, if he/she didn’t check out my profile I would view it as a negative. It would show the person didn’t do his/her hoemwork.</p>
<p>What is the difference between age 20 or 30? My kids will always be my kids. Why would I lose interest who my kid is going out with whether she is 20 or 30?</p>
<p>I would google who my friends are going out with sometimes, and they are age 50+.</p>
<p>I recently interviewed a 20 something person. I asked him what he would do if he ran a report and the report showed one product’s (say a brand of toothpaste) sale went down by 50% for a store. I expected him to say he would check the data, look at the calculation to make sure there was no error. Instead this applicant said, “I would google the product to see if there was any negative news about the product.” We hired him.</p>
<p>oldfort, interestingly along the same line I listened to a marketing presentation (on line of course) and the guy said that on line reviews read positively or negatively have become the new secondary endorcement or the new word of mouth endorcement for products and services. So much so that people must do what they can to get 5 star reviews on what they are providing.</p>
<p>sseamom, let’s ask your question but take the internet out of it. Say your daughter has just started dating a guy from the same town as someone you know. You are delighted about this small-world coincidence. So you call up your acquaintance and mention your daughter’s new boyfriend to her, hoping to learn a little more about him. Instead of being equally delighted your acquaintance tries to change the subject. You have a gnawing feeling something is wrong. Would you ask your friend to elaborate, knowing it might be good for your daughter to be aware of whatever it is that is troubling about this guy’s past? </p>
<p>To me google is just the medium. “Getting the scoop” is pretty much the same no matter how it happens.</p>
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<p>With one notable exception: I assume that info available to the general public on the internet is there with the knowledge of the person to whom it pertains. One would assume that it’s fairly accurate or at least that the subject has allowed this to be there (photos, etc). In the past, though, all we had was gossip or hearsay up until the point that we got to spend a significant amount of time with that person ourselves. And gossip/hearsay is often anything but accurate.</p>
<p>sally-I keep typing and answer and deleting it because I can’t relate to your example. I live in a large city, as do my kids. I’ve never lived someplace so small that I’d expect a friend there to know the one person my kid was dating. Besides, if they’re newly dating 1)I wouldn’t know about it, 2)even if I had a name, new, casual date partners are none of my business and 3)at 23 and 28 their private lives are their business. Once things got serious, I’d probably be introduced, but by then they’ve already learned enough about the person that I wouldn’t need to go digging. My role is usually to meet and be polite and offer advice IF ASKED. </p>
<p>It has simply never occurred to me to go internet digging about people my kids-my adult kids-casually know. I think they’d resent it if I did. As someone up above said-at what point do we let our kids grow up??</p>
<p>churchmom-a local radio show was talking not long ago about sites that actually swipe photos of other people for dating profiles that are completely fake, and I’ve heard about one where people can “rate a date” with people, using the date’s real names, but are often full of misinformation from FORMER SO’s carrying a grudge. And these are not easy to remove. So we have the internet version of malicious gossip too. Which is why anyone should be aware of relying on internet snooping to give them anything like the true picture of a person.</p>
<p>And I’ve seen ads on Craigslist promising payment for writing positive reviews for products and services. So companies which rely on those as proof they’re doing well are probably deluding themselves.</p>
<p>sseamom - clearly you have a different kind of relationship with your kids than I do and your curiosity level is different than mine, but it doesn’t make your relationship better or you a better/more normal person. I can accept the fact that your kids don’t care to let you into their personal life or you don’t care enough to know what’s going on in their lives (doesn’t sound as nice when I put it that way, does it?). You see, what I don’t understand is why people need to feel the way they do things is more superior than how others do it. You want to keep it a arms length with your kids, good for you, as long as you are happy with your relationship.</p>