This is good for your first essay, but there are definitely areas in which you can improve. I’m going to grade you using the AP Generic Rubric, which you can view: <a href=“http://universityhigh.webs.com/eComparative%20Rubric.pdf[/url]”>http://universityhigh.webs.com/eComparative%20Rubric.pdf</a></p>
<ol>
<li>Has acceptable thesis - 0 out of 1 point
Honestly, the thesis was strong, and an AP reader probably would’ve given you this point, but you’re missing certain key elements. You should have:</li>
<li>Time Frame (in this case 600-1450) - you didn’t include this</li>
<li>Regions - Western Europe and East Asia</li>
<li>Global Context - trying to maintain political order in a time of disunity (domination of Germanic tribes in Western Europe and general disunity in Japan - sorry Japan isn’t my strong point :P)</li>
<li>Similarities and differences in a 2:1 ratio</li>
<li>Analysis of causes and effects of the comparisons</p></li>
<li>Addresses all parts of the question - 1 out of 2 points
Your first similarity was strong; however, your difference was related to the social structures rather than the state-building experiences, and therefore it does not fulfill the prompt.</p></li>
<li>Historical Evidence - 2 out of 2 points
This was your strongest area; great description! :D</p></li>
<li>Makes at least two relevant, direct comparisons - 1 out of 1 point
You fulfilled this in your first body paragraph with the similarity.</p></li>
<li>Analysis - 1 out of 1 point
You had a pretty decent analysis of the causes and effects; however, you should use some more cause-effect terms. For example, instead of, “Another similarity between the two where both were based on agriculture – the lords and daimyos required yield from their lands and both had peasants who were required to farm the land and remain in that occupation,” you should say, “Another similarity was that the lords and daimyos demanded agricultural yield from their peasants, as a result of their common attempt to reinforce their roles in the political structure of their respective states, keeping lower class peasants and serfs in their place and usurping resources from them.” (Sorry this is pretty weak; I covered these topics a long time ago :P)
You should also try to relate your comparisons back to the global context established in the thesis - how do your examples tie in to the GLOBAL PROCESS of state-building?
Expanded Core - 0 out of 2 points - You need the first seven “core” points to attain any of these.</p></li>
</ol>
Also, you should try to include three comparisons instead of two - similarities and differences in a 2:1 ratio. That way, you’re guaranteed the point for “addressing all parts of the question” (and you might get some expanded points too!)</p>
<hr>
Final Score: 5 out of 9 points</p>
Good job, and if you have any other questions feel free to ask.
Good luck, and may we both get 5’s on the AP exam! :D</p>