I would give this a 9 or 10 out of 12. I think both examples work well in your essay, and your intro was great!
Some things that you should work on:
-Perhaps adding a sentence in your intro about what your examples will be because I had no idea what they were going to be about from reading the intro
-Using less commas because it makes your sentences quite choppy at times. (urgh I personally struggle a lot with this too) Example: “Although the Empire overall was successful, certain emperors, such as Caligula, as well as Nero, were bent on gaining even more wealth and territory” could work better with just “such as Caligula and Nero”
-Less repetition of phrases if possible-- example: “Although they did succeed, the road to success placed the boys in direct danger. Ultimately, success has the potential to be disastrous, as the process in which it is attained is full of danger.” The two sentences say very similar things so it’s somewhat redundant
Can you please give me feedback on mine? http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1725754-grade-comment-on-my-practice-sat-essay-please.html