<p>I’d give you a 3 (one reader; I am not two people!).</p>
<p>General Scoring Criteria</p>
<p>Positioning: strength and clarity
Examples: relevance and development in support
Organization: for each paragraph and the overall essay
Command of Language: sentence construction, grammar, word choice</p>
<p>You definitely made your thesis clear, but your examples had to be stretched a bit too much to fit in, and most weren’t in depth; they were just descriptions of the story and a few sentences loosely tied in to fit with the argument. Thus, the strength of the position wasn’t demonstrated.
Tip: Make sure your examples directly relate to the thesis.</p>
<p>The overall organization was exceptional, but your transitions seem a bit artificial. For example, to call the first and second examples similar would be pushin it a bit. The “Furthermore” also isn’t used properly.
Tip: Try making transitions sentences instead of just words.</p>
<p>Your grammar is exceptional; vocabulary is outstanding, but don’t put too much words that don’t actually bring out your point. For example, “In my own life” could’ve been “Personally”. The second sentence has improper listing; don’t start with “My” and it should be fine. The sentence variation is generally great.
Tip: Practice a few more and edit.</p>
<p>Your conclusion is one sentence. That can be done, but your version would be better with others around it.</p>
<p>I apologize if my objectivity sounds harsh. Good luck!</p>