My avatar is of my kid’s West Point graduation last May. The hat toss is a very big deal to them after 47 months in the gray prison. For us, not so much. I really feel for this year’s cadets who are being forced to attend a distanced ceremony in an empty stadium. Navy did it right with a virtual ceremony IMO, but the cadets DO have to return to post to outprocess regardless of the disappointing graduation decisions and none of the pre-week traditions/awards/parades shared with family. Many of the parents are bereft and have to deal with the implications of cancelling year-in-advance travel and accommodations on top of missing the pomp and circumstance of an event they couldn’t imagine being left out of. It might not be my thing, but I am sad for those who feel cheated out of a milestone event in their child’s life.
My son and I discussed HS and college graduation ceremonies this past weekend. My son not only was not sad about his HS graduation ceremony being canceled, he was happy it was canceled.
He’s not a loner or quiet guy. He has friends from different stripes at school, regular kids, band, geeks, athletes, across the board. But he sees no personal value from losing hours of his life preparing for and attending a graduation ceremony. I get why others like graduation ceremonies, but it’s not a must-have for everyone.
On the other hand, he is excited about walking across the stage for college graduation. He views graduating from high school as not much of an accomplishment, but he views graduating from college as a large accomplishment and he looks forward to being celebrated for it.
I think maybe the OP was speaking personally (but in general terms.)
My first kid didn’t care if he did it or not, so we all did it for us (he didn’t complain). When it was finished he said he was so glad he did it.
My current graduate really agonized Saturday and I’m so glad his college is postponed not cancelled. And it’s a big 10 school.
There are so very few formal events to celebrate our loved ones and I consider college graduation one of them.
Graduation, marriage, showers, anniversary parties…not a lot where people gather to celebrate Ourselves and Ones We Love.
As a parent I do like to see the milestones, but a lot depends on the mindset of the adolescent in question at that particular moment. A hundred years ago I thought HS grad was OK but we had no party. And I was so hung over for my college grad ceremony that I was only happy my family was there to get me moved out of my room. (They weren’t as pleased.) My oldest wanted an open house for HS but chose to graduate a semester early and slipped out of college without ceremony last winter. The second kid never wants anything. (He even fought off a ceremony for his Eagle Award in Scouts.)
We are all relieved that my college senior’s live graduation is postponed rather than cancelled, with a virtual event to confer degrees in May. For him, the opportunity to spend time with his friends and classmates is what mattered. For us, the opportunity to celebrate with his friends and their families is what mattered. High school graduation seemed a lot more about one-upmanship, who had more honors cords, awards, etc. College seems more about marking the end of an era for the students as they are heading off to so many different things (and uncertainties).
I kind of want my daughter to walk graduation – she is already telling me she may not want to which makes me sad. I walked mine and have no need to relive through her but I think she may regret it one day and I want to celebrate her accomplishment with her – I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Wow I would have been hurt too. I am so sorry.
Ok I’ll bite- not secret AT ALL.
If I were to list every single thing in my life I deferred or sacrificed in order to pay for my kids education, it would be a very long list. I would do it all over again of course- I don’t begrudge them a penny. But it would be a very long list.
So it’s no secret that the hoopla around graduation which might mean NOTHING to the kids, is a big deal for some parents. Nobody gives you an award for deferring home maintenance or skipping a vacation or taking on overtime or gunning for a promotion which will involve a much more stressful job but more money- so you can provide a college education for your kid. Nobody asks you to walk across a stage and get a handshake from a Dean or President for every year you spent your entire allotment of vacation days looking at colleges, or supervising field trips, or volunteering for some stupid middle school committee, or even just having to take three precious vacation days because your kid got head lice and had to wait three days to go back to first grade.
So I made no bones about it. College graduation was my victory lap, and I was going to enjoy it. And if it meant that my kids had to grimace while they went through the motions- so be it. In the end- we all enjoyed it, and the kids did appreciate us making a fuss over their day. But it was not a secret. Graduation was for ME, and I got my “moment” even though it wasn’t my degree, and even though I hadn’t shown up for a single class or lab or lecture.
I was looking forward to convocation (as opposed to commencement in a stadium). There, it would have been more personal. Names would have been called, she would have walked across a stage and shook the Dean’s hand. I would have known most of the other graduates in her major and their parents. This, I will miss.
To be fair to yourself, @blossom, what you are demonstrating isn’t narcissism, secret or open, but pride in your children’s accomplishments. The fact that you felt rewarded by your children’s success, the fact that you felt a sense of accomplishment from the attention that your children get, is the opposite of narcissism.
It is, rather, the very essence of parenthood. You don’t feel that any attention your kids get takes anything away from you, and you are happy to be a spectator when your children take center stage.