<p>The college analogy doesnt end there. Searching for the right place brings me back to the college search days.Checking out “fit”, money, levels of care, location and OF COURSE consulting those in the know on CC! I am so tempted to get Dad to retake his SAT’s. :)</p>
<p>The description I heard was “Combines the best features of a college dorm and a cruise ship.”</p>
<p>The pastor at my mom’s continuous care location gave me some good perspective. He said that every person there once had a life that was “larger” than at present. Getting them to “share their story” with others is key to making new friends in this very downsized setting. Without new friends, they can become very sad and depressed, even with family nearby. </p>
<p>To share, they benefit from having some memorabilia from their midlife, in some form that’s showable to others. You’re now in a position to take a photo album of their current house and the magnificent view they enjoy. Don’t forget the mundane. You might assemble a small, quick scrapbook of paper items that represents their personal history and highlights of their own hobbies. It will be obvious and simple; if for example, they go to theater, save a few playbill covers; if they garden, a few seed packets of favorite things grown. If they had one great trip, a single postcard could represent that. A label from a nearby vineyard makes sense, so they can talk about that whole aspect of their midlife.</p>
<p>This type of album is to help them talk about themselves to others of same age, in a living room setting. It’s different than pictures of their grandchildren, although it certainly could include some. Imagine them talking through the pages in 10-15 minutes to someone brand new, expressing who they “were” before they came to live there.</p>
<p>You can involve your parents in creating this album, or just gift it to them at some event. It won’t be apparent to them why it’s important, and might seem a bit silly to spend their time on right now. But it can be useful later.</p>
<p>Yes, the holiday dinners at my parents’ place were delicious. My stepdad would always reserve a private room for the family. That way, they could entertain us without all the work. And their building did have a nice homey family room with a kitchen, table and living room furniture, piano and gas fireplace. Very nice when we had a larger group.</p>
<p>Musica- this is a poignant time for all. Your parents are lucky to have you. I helped my folks move out of their home state to be near me and it was the best thing we ever did. I do recall some of the challenges though and told them at the time that what they were giving up was obvious, but what they were to gain was yet to be revealed. Within a week at assisted living, my mother (who really made her house a home) said that if she knew it was going to be like this, she might have done it sooner. We could easily see each other often and she could capitalize on her good days to be social, without the burdens of plans, entertaining and travel.
Also note that whenever anyone moves to AL, they are starting over in a new social environment in many ways, even if it is in their home territory. Most residents are very welcoming, they remember when they were new and now want to share their enjoyment with others. My parents were old enough when they moved that their time with local friends had already diminished secondary to health issues and the trouble that caused with making plans ahead of time. In AL, you can take it day by day and there are always people to visit if you feel up for it. If your parents haven’t decided on a place yet, I encourage visits that include a meal. It is a great way to get a feel for how things are done how residents interact, etc.</p>
<p>When my mother downsized she ended up with essentially a bedroom and sitting room. She was pretty cut throat about getting rid of all extraneous items, I saved quite a few in my garage without telling her and she was thrilled when I brought them out a year later. She says the hardest thing for her was giving up so many unimportant, but enjoyable possessions which she had accumulated over the years. I brought out a couple of boxes and switched out knickknacks.</p>
<p>The other thing we did was give special items to the various kids & grand kids, several of us have silly little things in our kitchens, wooden spoons, vintage spatulas, etc. and grandkids have outfitted their apartments with some of her stuff. It makes her very happy to know that her little things are being used.</p>
<p>I think the biggest help you can be is to plug them into the community. When my parents moved north to be with my brother - my sil introduced my Mom to all her older friends. My mother is not a church goer, but she has gotten involved with my brother’s church’s community supper. My sil set things up with doctors and dentists and all that stuff too. My parent’s initial thought had been to go into assisted living, but space wasn’t available yet nearby. In the end though my Dad had dementia, he really did very well at home until the last couple of months of his life. Ideally you have assisted living with a nursing home attached I think.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the thought and experience-filled suggestions. I think it’s not long before my early 80’s parents will need help with this very issue.</p>
<p>Pulled this thread up again to reread all the excellent advice and submit an update. I found another excellent continued care facility for my folks. About a month ago they came down to visit two different communities. Firstly I took them to a community, though nice, had a few negatives. (too large, too institutional). The second, I knew was the best fit. Mom was very quiet through the whole process until we finished with the second. In the parking lot I turned to her and asked that she vocalize what was going on in her mind. Her exact words: “I feel at home here” Well that settled it. They have shuffled things around with the help of our accountant and will have enough funds to move in on Jan 15 and will leave the house unsold for now. My brother flies in this week from NYC, to visit the condo with my Mom and Dad and act as interior design consultant. Mom is thrilled by this.
Onward and upward.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update. It was a reminder to me that I need to talk about this with my parents. I finally just got them to update their will (it was last done back in the Reagan era), assign power of attorney and have a living will in place. That alone was emotionally exhausting. But this too needs to be discussed - what will happen when you can no longer live in your home. </p>
<p>Best wishes to your parents.</p>
<p>I’m glad they found a place that felt right. I hope all goes well with the move, and with the sale of their home.</p>