<p>macamama, so sorry to hear about this problem. It’s a very difficult one, and I hope some of the excellent advice here will help. I work at a senior center, and have seen several such situations over the past several years (though I must say I think yours is the toughest because of your mom’s pre-existing personality disorder issues).</p>
<p>If this was happening in my community, I’d put you in touch with our county’s department of aging, which provides extensive referral and support services. I think your mom would be a candidate for Adult Protective Services, which steps in when adults can no longer care for themselves. There’s a broad definition applied to that category, but perhaps you wouldn’t want to find yourselves “in the system,” so to speak. So it may not work for you. But a home visit from a social worker to document the hoarding and unsafe living conditions, plus documentation of the fire, falls, and medical issues, would probably result in legal recognition that your mother should no longer be making life decisions for herself. Your primary concern is your mother’s safety, and she’s making it unreasonably burdensome for you to help her obtain that. If the local authorities step in, you’ll at least know that she won’t burn the house down or be crushed under a pile of debris.</p>
<p>If your mother is found to be competent, if nothing else the local authorities can put you in touch with free senior services (our county provides a family mediator at no charge, for instance). Wishing you the best of luck in a very tough spot.</p>
<p>frazzle’s advice is, IMO, spot on. The situation is absolutely overwhelming to you; it’s new, scary and an emotional minefield. It’s nothing new to Adult Protective Services or to whatever the local council on aging is called. They’ve seen it and dealt with it before. They’re trained to deal with it. Without the emotional ties to your mom, they can navigate the minefields much more easily. And your mother may in fact take advice from a stranger that she wouldn’t take from you. After all, what do you know? She changed your diapers! (My mother will listen to my husband before she’ll listen to me, since she only knew him as an adult.)</p>
<p>Enlist your sweet brother as well. Talk to him in detail about why you’re suggesting what you ultimately suggest. You may be able to strengthen his resolve, and present a united front.</p>
<p>Use the professionals available to you, and good luck.</p>
<p>What a thoughtful, supportive community this is. I’m so grateful for your empathic and pragmatic advice.</p>
<p>Here’s a brief update: My H had a long conversation with Mom (she is much more likely to be respectful with him) and got her to agree to pare down her plans to take the whole kit and caboodle when she moves. I imagine there will be some slippage as she gets closer to the move (and I accept that her definition of “essential” differs from mine or for that matter that of any sane person!) but at least we have a common frame of reference.</p>
<p>I have contacted her county area on aging (thanks, frazz!) and am working my way through their referral system. My goal is to identify someone with expertise in both gerontology and financial planning so that we (my brother, mother and I) can meet with this person while we’re down there helping with the move and jointly try to come up with a reasonable plan for how best to manage her remaining assets and understand what her options will be in a couple of years when they are gone.</p>
<p>The advice and support I’ve gotten here and from IRL friends has helped me to see that much of my initial panic is a kind of flashback to my own childhood, when my mother’s drinking and mental health issues were truly out of control and I was responsible for her physical care, addressing the fallout of her behaviors (wrecked cars, lost jobs, countless self-injuries, etc.) and making sure my brother and I had food in the house, clean clothes, etc. As this cycle unfolds I will have the support and help of my husband and brother, and we will work together in good faith to do the best we can. Recognizing this has given me a measure of peace.</p>
<p>My current focus is on figuring out how much of this to share with my own kids. I feel like I am still in the process of making sense of it (my caregiving relationship with my mother) and so don’t want to impose it on them. On the other hand, as all family members of those with addictions know, secrets can be awfully toxic. I would love to hear stories of how this has unfolded across generations in other families.</p>
<p>Good luck in this tough situation. My wife and faced similar hoarding situations in both our families and we used a non-combative approach already suggested. When the relative moved their new “home” only allowed a small proportion of their stuff to be moved. We went through the remaining things with the relative and very little (less than 10%) was given away or thrown away … and there was a ton of stuff left that was never going to be used by the relative again that they wanted to keep. We did not push the decision to keep all the extra stuff initially … we stored it at relatives homes in case the relative ever needed any of the left over stuff (which they virtualy never did). After the stuff is out of sight it tends to become out of mind … things can be held onto until the relative no longer wants it or if given away without their knowledge (it’s not hard to guess a lot of what they will not ask for (keep 10 rolls of Christmas wrapping paper and give away the other 50, etc)). BTW - in one case we did the same with the family house … the relative wanted to keep it for when they left the nursing home (which was NEVER going to happen) … and we kept it for a few months longer then economically advisable to avoid WWIII about the house.</p>
<p>Would a reverse mortgage be an option? I don’t know details of how they work, but it might be helpful. If so, some of the equity in the home could be used for needed repairs and hiring a caregiver to come into the home for the time being. That way you could learn more about other options, and delay moving her at this time.</p>