<p>It is both a self-esteem AND a control issue. Abusers often have very low self-esteem, which drives them to want to control the object of their affection so that they won’t “lose” them. They can and do control women in other ways, and it’s usually something you see throughout a relationship-like what they wear, who they talk to, what they can and cannot do outside of the home. With teens, it might be more limited in that the girls don’t share a home with them, but I’ve certainly seen the control of what they wear and who they talk to.</p>
<p>With teens it can go two ways-either the girl sees there are better relationships out there and breaks up with the boy, or she is so enamored of how much “he loooves me” that they put up with it. Some boys move on and do not do anything violent after the break up. Others do what this kid did. So do grown men. Actually, break ups are when it’s most dangerous for teen girls and women. That’s because the guys see themselves losing control and do anything to get it back. </p>
<p>Of course, it’s more complicated than that, but that’s the short version. Also, it’s not uncommon for boys to repeat what they see at home, although not always. My abuser did not grow up in a violent home, and neither did I. However, girls in such relationships DO sometimes (often) have low self-esteem. It’s one reason why they stay-they think the boy is the best they can do, or they just think it’s normal.</p>
<p>In my limited experience, I’ve spoken to several parents whose daughters killed themselves after a rejection or rape. I’ve seen others develop an eating disorder. </p>
<p>From what I understand, it was not the killer’s girlfriend. That he liked her, it was unrequited and the cousin dated her. </p>
<p>Who knows?</p>
<p>I did read his appalling twitter feed yesterday. One more reason why parents should be hyper vigilant about kid’s social presence. Especially someone so young. Some dusturbing stuff. </p>
<p>“And yet we never prosecute people who allow weapons to get into the hands of people who shouldn’t have them. We just say “they are suffering enough.” But it keeps happening, so something is not getting through. Maybe taking people’s freedom away should be the price of irresponsible weapons management, not just grief”</p>
<p>No, I think people get prosecuted for that much more often now, as they should. I believe this kid’s father was a police officer? If his weapon wasn’t completely locked up, I’d expect that he will get prosecuted and sued.</p>
<p>I am a substitute teacher this year and realize I better ask somebody some questions about school safety policies in the three schools I might cover. I am usually only given a room number and an id with a key attached. One day a girl at recess asked me to open the school door so she could go to the bathroom. I used my key but it didn’t work so I had to find someone. This week I asked a middle school worker what was the key for. Her answer was:</p>
<p>“That key is to be used in case you have to lock your class inside the classroom.” </p>
<p>Based on twitter his ex-girlfriend attended a different school and was not involved in the shooting. The young woman who was killed may be the GF of his cousin who is critical. Her best friend was critically wounded and I’m not sure the connection of the other critical young woman who went back for a second surgery. The young man who is in serious condition wasn’t sure who he’d ask to homecoming so no regular GF. His FB and twitter are very troubling to me. The shooter seems to have been more “cultural” according to one person interviewed and seems to be more pensive. I don’t think his hunting had anything to do with it. He actually posted at one point that just being out in the woods was his favorite part of hunting. I think teen angst and having an unsecured hand gun around had everything to do with it. There is some indication that one of his friends may have come on to his girlfriend.</p>
<p>The shooter’s twitter feed is full of break up angst and a few tweets that hint at a pregnancy. It is not generally troubling though like some of the other shooters (Portland, Santa Barbara, Sandy Hook, Aurora) He really does seem like a normal, likable guy who had poor coping skills with teen angst and the means to take drastic measures. I look at the posts and “likes” of one of the cousins and think “there’s a kid who scares me”. This doesn’t seem like the sort of thing where you would have seen it coming. It doesn’t seem like a gun fixation (Portland) or mental disorder. That makes it double sad to me because this seems more preventable than all the others. </p>
<p>“Lucas’s father, Joshua Heagren, had tried to teach the 3-year-old to respect firearms. The boy had gotten a .22 rifle for Christmas, and his father showed him how to fire it. But he also warned him to handle it only when an adult was present.”</p>
<p>Who in their right mind gives a 3 year old a gun?!!!? </p>
<p>The NY Times story was depressing, but the experiment where young boys were left alone in an exam room with an unloaded gun in a closed drawer was fascinating. Left alone, “3/4 of the 64 boys found the gun, 2/3 handled it, and 1/3 pulled the trigger.”</p>
<p>Oh, emilybee, that just astounds me. And that guy is a cop? Irresponsible in the extreme, both as a parent and as someone who is supposed to serve and protect. Ugh.</p>
<p>You really have to read the whole article. DailyKos also does a regular feature called “GunFail” that describes dozens of stupid accidents involving guns each week. Every time I read something like this I think about not just the lives that were lost thanks to the idiots who let their kids get their hands on guns, but the siblings who have to live with the aftermath, their classmates who don’t understand why their friend won’t be coming back, the grandparents who have to bite their tongue at every holiday because they have to balance their own grief with sympathy for their irresponsible adult children…</p>
<p>So these states that don’t hold anyone liable for not only storing loaded firearms,but allowing unsupervised access to children, how are they on the side of charging pregnant women with neglect/ assault for substance use?
I don’t mean to start a political dialogue, it just seems that laws meant to protect children should be consistently written.</p>