Hoarders--that show is scary!

Parent Cafe
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<p>My mother-in-law was a hoarder before the name became a household word. She kept everything, and I do mean everything. The one thing that I recall always standing out was the styrofoam trays that meat came in. Why would anyone keep those? She had a kitchen cupboard stacked with them. I have no recollection of how she ever made use of them. I think that as years pass, people with these tendencies tend to become even more entrenched in keeping things. My father-in-law had similar tendencies so he wasn’t going to address her issues. The two car garage and workroom were also filled floor to ceiling. No car had seen the inside of that garage in the years since I’d met my then-future husband 40 years ago.</p>

<p>When their oldest child moved out, that bedroom quickly became filled with all kinds of things. When the next, and the next, moved out their rooms followed a similar fate, although one room was kept semi-livable for when we or the others visited. Fast forward through the years to the time when it was obvious that they could no longer live in the house due to health issues. It was a situation that required urgent decisions to be made and within a couple of weeks, they were moved to an assisted living situation. </p>

<p>This, of course, left the house to be looked after by their children, spouses, and grandchildren. It was a disaster. All but one of their children lived a long distance away, and unfortunately, the one who lived close by suffers from the same hoarder tendencies. The home had reached a point where, despite a weekly housekeeper that we were paying for, it was dirty. I think all the stuff was part of it but probably not entirely, and I suspect that the cleaning company took advantage of these poor elderly and sick individuals and charged what I thought was a lot, and didn’t clean much at all. That’s another issue entirely.</p>

<p>It took close to a month to clear out the house entirely. A month! Ten of us spent 15 hour days for a week, and then a smaller number off and on for the rest of the month. We filled 6 dumpsters, and this was after most of the furniture had been given away, and this was not a large house, a raised bungalow with maybe 1500 square feet. You would not believe the things we found. I still don’t believe it and I was there! They kept every greeting card that they’d ever received, every price tag that they’d cut off items they’d bought, every plastic bag, every piece of clothing they’d ever owned. I could go on and on. It was one of the most painful things that any of us had ever had to do, and that was on top of the pain and stress of them being very ill and having to leave their home.</p>

<p>If you do have these tendencies, please get yourself some help. Don’t let it get worse, because it will get worse, trust me, and eventually it will be your children and your grandchildren who are left having to clean up the mess. It’s not a legacy that anyone would wish on their family members.</p>

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<p>Both options sound great, and I agree with your second solution the best. I misunderstood your first post and thought that you were suggesting that the hoarder be cut out of the discussion completely, and that the professionals just kind of “take over” and get rid of all of the junk without involving the hoarder. That wouldn’t work because they’re just going to see you as a bully and it doesn’t really address the hoarding (since they’re just going to do it again the moment everyone leaves). Thanks for clarifying.</p>

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<p>I am so lucky that none of the seniors for whom I am responsible have these tendencies. I can’t begin to imagine what that would be like!!!</p>

<p>SCM - what a loving, good person you are. You somehow see the virtues of your spouse and respect him despite the rubble. I give you so much credit. It would be so stressful to live with that kind of chaos.</p>

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<p>It is stressful. I do have the occasional meltdown/blow up. For several years it really stressed me out no end. I have learned after a couple of decades to be somewhat blind to it most of the time, as a coping mechanism. It mostly bothers me now if something happens - like someone wanting to come visit, or even the bug man coming to spray. I try and avoid being in the house because I am embarrassed. </p>

<p>The saddest thing is, it does really take so much away from our lives - his and mine. Socially of course - we never invite anyone in. Togetherness - he mostly hangs out in the huge den and I avoid going in there (not that there is a surface for me to sit on if I did try and watch TV with him). But even hobbies we liked - I don’t quilt any more because I have no space or surface to do it on. He does not use his wonderful collection of woodworking tools. Had not even seen them for years until my daughter and her fiancee risked life and limb to clear part of the garage out.</p>

<p>But this thread is actually inspiring me a little. I had completely given up and let even the parts of the house I had previously tried to keep up with go to pot. This morning I actually started throwing some things in the trash - just a couple of grocery bags full (yay a use for the collection of grocery bags). I am going to try and follow up on my plan to take a couple of bags a week to the dumpster at my daughter’s apartment.</p>

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<p>NewHope, for your family member who was dying of cancer, that doesn’t sound like hoarding. A non-hoarder’s house can become quite cluttered and messy, but it’s an entirely different thought process. The clutterbug says “I just can’t get to that right now/I don’t have the energy/There are other things that need my attention/I wouldn’t know where to start.” The hoarder says, “That thing means too much to me (for various reasons)/That thing might come in handy someday (when it obviously won’t, or is easily replaced)/I can’t decide what to throw away, so I’ll keep it all” – or complete denial: “It isn’t that bad/there is no problem.” Hoarding isn’t defined by the volume of possessions, but by the person’s relationship to them. </p>

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<p>For a non-hoarder, it shouldn’t be terribly difficult to get them to agree, at least in principle, that something needs to be done. They will be able to weigh the pros and cons of cleaning up; for most, the choice of cleaning out the fridge versus losing the kids would be a no-brainer. They may need some help if the task is large (being overwhelmed by a large clean-out is not a symptom of hoarding). Or they may need to learn how to be efficient about sorting and disposing of unneeded items. But their resistance will be along the lines of “This job is just too big, and I can’t do it.”</p>

<p>A hoarder’s response will be more like “It doesn’t NEED doing.” They will be very resistant even to the principle of a clear-out. They will be unable to delegate clean-out tasks; for example, they can’t say, “Joe, you go through the house and throw away everything that’s obviously garbage and Suzy, you throw out all the old magazines and newspapers.” They must see and touch every item personally. They are emotionally invested in every last piece of paper, cheesy knickknack, and article of never-worn clothing.</p>

<p>For someone like that, a true hoarder, IMO you need to get a mental health professional involved. Family members, no matter how gentle and well-intentioned, will only make things worse by forcing the issue. Logic – pointing out how much better their life will be, or how much safer and healthier, or the dire consequences of not clearing – has no effect whatsoever on a hoarder. This is a mental illness, and forcing a hoarder to clear out, or clearing out when they’re not around, will in all likelihood only make it worse.</p>

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<p>“NewHope, for your family member who was dying of cancer, that doesn’t sound like hoarding. A non-hoarder’s house can become quite cluttered and messy, but it’s an entirely different thought process.”</p>

<p>LaMas - You are exactly right of course. I didn’t explain it well. As you say, just because there’s clutter doesn’t mean it’s hoarding.</p>

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<p>Swimcatsmom- if I may make another suggestion- it was completely reasonable and fair that you made room in the garage for your new car, and it is also completely reasonable and fair that you should have your own workable space available in the house for yourself. Your H’s stuff does not belong in your sewing room. If I were you, I would move it if he won’t. I love to quilt too and I can’t see giving it up. And if that won’t work due to the proximity to the den, maybe you can take over a room in a different part of the house?</p>

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<p>You are right of course. I think I just gave up fighting it and went with the flow in the last few years. Less stressful in some ways, more in others. This thread has been really cathartic for me - makes be sit back and think about it. I think I will just try and reclaim the half of the house that I used to make an effort with, including my sewing room!! Or at least a table top for now. Not that I really have much time for sewing right now, but I would like to start up again soon.</p>

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<p>I think that part of the solution in this situation is the same as in any situation. You have to decide how you are going to participate and respond to the problem that is brought into the relationship by the other party. It is a bit of a cliche but we can truly only control our own responses to the behavior when we can’t control the behavior.</p>

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<p>Exactly. At one point it was really driving me crazy - I used to drive up to the house and seriously have to restrain myself from smashing my car into the washers and dryers he started collecting. And he started doing that right after my Mum and I had spent days clearing the garage - I took her to the airport, was gone a couple of days (used to drive her to the next state so she did not have to change planes), and came back to washers and dryers that eventually ended up filling the garage and spilling out onto the lawn. My kids still remember my major meltdown when I started throwing things - china, my wedding ring - all sorts - not my normal nature at all (isn’t it great how they always remember the bad things). I was on the verge of leaving at that point, and he did stop picking up other people’s old appliances and moved the ones he had picked up to a storage unit (where they sit to this day - it annoys me how much money we have spent on storing that cr*p, but I don’t want it back at the house so bite my tongue). That was an “it goes or I go moment”. The rest, well it stresses me out and drives me nuts, but not actually drag me off to the asylum nuts. But the house has got progressively worse and worse over the last few years. Even thinking of dealing with it is overwhelming.</p>

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<p>^^
Does he acknowledge that he has a problem? An illness? Or does he assert that he will someday do something with the appliances, etc? I can’t imaging being like that and being so compelled by collecting the stuff that I can’t even acknowledge or take into consideration the needs and feelings of the people around me. I wonder what it does to that persons self esteem to know that their compulsive behavior makes the people around them miserable.</p>

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<p>Re overwhelming: take a deep breath and take one step at a time. Keep in mind that with each bag of cr*p that leaves the house you are one bag closer to getting some semblance of order back.</p>

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<p>alwaysamom,great post about legacy and not leaving things behind for children,grandchildren,to have to deal with. We are not hoarders but like lots of folks,just have too much stuff and clutter. I have already been urging my husband that we consider getting rid of things while we are able.
NewHope, My mother’s home was overwhelmed with medical supplies, stuff everywhere. After she died recently, things got back to normal. The hospice nurse actually took tons of stuff that had been ordered but unopened when she left my mom’s home at the end for donation(with the permission of my sister and me) to a global medical organization. Not hoarding,just reality. swimcatsmom, so sorry you have been dealing with this.</p>

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<p>In the light of day,I’ve looked around the house and realized we probably have more hoarding tendencies than I thought! That’s a good scale to look at too(post 61 I think). Moving every 10 years or so has probably helped to keep clutter at a manageable level but would love to still get rid of alot more. Purging ,donating things . I really feel for those who truly have a very bad hoarding problem. I 'm sure it is overwhelming to even think of where to begin.</p>

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<p>^Ha! My sister has moved about every 7-10 years or so. She just moves the old boxes, with their stuff still inside, to their new house and starts collecting more. Unfortunately, these have all been moves where the company moved them. </p>

<p>The only reason why she doesn’t move up in the Hoarder rank from a 3 to a 5 is because her cleaning lady comes in every week. She can barely dust though because my sister complains she can never find anything after she’s there. To that I say, is it in that pile? Or that pile? or that pile? Somedays after the cleaning lady was there, you could hardly tell.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read every post. Some of them are very long, and I’m sure full of painful stories. What I am curious about is the psychological cause of hoarding, the reason people behave this way, etc. Can someone post a source for me. I know that some people are very depressed who hoard. But why? What is the thinking behind the constant accumulation of waste.</p>

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<p>swimcatsmom: I am so sorry for what you are going through. One of my siblings is a hoarder and has been since earliest childhood. Right now at level 4 on the scale, but it is only a matter of time before level 5. Everyone always thinks they can go in and get the place organized but of course that isn’t possible. I used to go visit and “clean up” but come back to find items I had hauled to the dump right back in place. Now I just leave everything as it is. For a person living on their own I think they sort of have the right to live how they please. I can’t imagine the stress of living with someone like that full time. It is very hard to visit but I do so regularly because if I didn’t things would be worse. Things are “cleaned up” before I arrive. My reaction to the minimal stress of a childhood with such an individual made me rather compulsively neat… unless we just have different expressions of the same genetic quirk. The only way out of the situation I can see is for my sib to move. During a particularly trying time for my sib because of these hoarding issues, I begged my sib to just pack a suitcase and come live with me. I did say only one suitcase was allowed. There was some encouraging discussion about whether this might be a possibility but in the end the response was to get some more animals, which absolutely couldn’t be left.</p>

<p>Will he agree to you dividing the house so that you can keep your space how you choose? That is the absolute best I could hope for if I moved in with sib. And I would have to start each day with removing sib’s stuff from my space. That is how I spent my childhood. During childhood I was allowed to clean some of sib’s space, the bathroom for example, and to empty the garbage. I am still allowed to clean the bathroom and kitchen (somewhat) when I arrive for a visit. Garbage is problematic since the definition isn’t clear.</p>

<p>re. treatment - I think someone has to recognize the way they are living is a problem and want to change it before that is an option. Of course, in some communities hoarders will end up being evicted and perhaps forced into some kind of program.</p>

<p>that show is really very very sad to me</p>

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<p>“… psychological cause of hoarding …”</p>

<p>I haven’t found consensus in the reading I’ve done. There are several books on hoarding, but I’m not aware of any clinician who claims to know what causes the issue … or why some persons hoard and others don’t, even though their circumstances appear similar.</p>

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<p>beawinner, the hoarders themselves on these shows give clues. Some want to keep people at a distance – what better way than to make the house impassable? Others had a severe loss, and cling to things which remind them of the lost person. One hoarder said that when she was a child her father burned all of her toys, so holding onto things became an obsession. They invest objects with significant emotion or meaning, so that if the object is gone, that part of their life is also gone. OCD carries with it hyper-responsibility, so they can’t throw anything away in case it could be used someday.</p>

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<p>^^^
Yes, the hyper-responsibility because, I’m guessing it is a form of anxiety just like OCD. People who are very anxious need to be in control…to the extreme.</p>

<p>Why doesn’t some form of exposure therapy work for hoarders the way it does for some with OCD?</p>