"This is unfortunately a pretty common situation. He needs to do a few things:
Do his best to understand her style and expectations and match it.
Document the heck out of their interactions that are problems. She may try to fire him before he gets another job, and he needs to be prepared for that.
Get serious about his job search. Lots of companies let bosses like this stay for various reasons. It is hard to win as the employee, I say focus on getting out."
I agree with this. Especially if he can get copies of communication that she has sent that is inappropriate or over the line, to have her own words speak for herself. He absolutely needs to spend his energy looking elsewhere. He should also nag the heck out of the people that he was trying to get an in company transfer from. If there is a department with a boss that he knows and likes, get that boss on his side to help him transfer.
She sounds like she feels threatened, insecure, and stressed out. If he appears hostile or that he is undercutting her or not respecting her, it will be worse. I have found that I can work with people that I loathe if I do everything possible to accomodate them, make them think they are respected and liked by me, and that I am no threat, but am here to help. It is painful, but possible, and when they think you are on their side, they treat you far better. Not everyone can bring themselves to do this, but I swear, I have flown with people that I can barely take another minute of, and they walk out of there thinking I just love them. However, it sure would be tougher if I had to deal with that person every single work day.
It’s different dealing with people you can’t stand versus people who go out of their way to insult and belittle you and look for ways to make you uncomfortable. With the latter, your heart rate goes up, you start to sweat, and you become anxious. With the former, it’s just – yech!
Is he a member of a ‘protected class?’ Over 40 are considered ‘protected’ by EO laws for age discrimination. Is there a way he can find an EO angle to play for age discrimination?
Meant to add, I once had a boss like this, who was a heavy drinker and a type 1 diabetic. He forgot to take his insulin frequently, or the alcohol was messing with it, and he would go into rages. I was angry a lot at that job.
One day it occurred to me to approach him differently. I literally dug my nails into my hands, and went into a spiel about how I was so sorry that we seemed to have gotten off on the wrong foot and I really wanted him to succeed and how could I help him and make his job easier?
It worked. He moved me then to a more desirable job and we never had issues again. Not saying it would work here, but maybe it would? Might be worth a try.
Digging in his heels is not working. Time for something else. I’m all about accomplishing my objective, rather than preserving my position at all costs. My objective was to stay in that job for the time being, as the hours suited me.
Is the company profitable or sinking? Do the top managers care about the company and employees? Why does this woman become your new boss? These questions may help to decide to fight back or ignore the boss and move on.
When she’s at her worst, pity her. When I’m dealing with irrational people, I tell them: “God Bless You!” It shuts them up so quickly, that they don’t know how to respond.
I would put a flyer “Why did Jesus come to earth” as someone just rang my doorbell and gave me one. I hope there is a local event for you. It might soften her up.
I was heavily recruited (for months) by a manager that turned in to what you describe not long after I settled in to my new office. It took me a while to understand that I our ethics did not align and that dealing with what, to me, were irrational objectives was making me physically ill. Document everything and network like crazy to find another job either within the same company or elsewhere. I moved on and can say that 2 years in to my new work place my physical symptoms of dealing with constantly having my fight or flight response activated have subsided. Life is too short. Be as positive as possible about why you are moving on when asked, but move on.
I second the idea to look for a job, but this may not happen fast or easy enough. In the meantime, my advice to him:
• Do NOT over-react and do NOT get provoked. Wait at least until the next day to respond – best to sleep on it and keep a cool head while responding
• Keep all communications in writing (in the form of emails, reports etc) and file everything. Minimize any verbal communications. If he must communicate verbally, try to have the third person present in the room
• Avoid negativity, do not give anyone a reason to blame him
• Network with other managers, and especially with sr. management. Show them the value of his work and build a portfolio of accomplishments. Do NOT discuss this bully boss, just make a positive impression and build connections
• Understand whether her actions may be considered a form of legal harassment / discrimination by age, gender etc. Consider letting the HR know that his physical and emotional health is affected at work. This can be done subtly, for example, find out in the benefit office whether the company or medical insurance provides any professional counseling services to alleviate work-related stress. The HR may not care for middle or lower-level employees, but they may still become afraid of a lawsuit
• Don’t let it get to him (I know, easier said than done)
Lawsuits are easier said than done. Coworkers in good positions won’t always risk their own security and in my situation, HR was powerless. They literally told me so. The company was morphing and my boss was also just a bit player in a troubled scene. And this was a big name corporation.
You can endure or say No More. I transferred, but the corporate culture was the same. Best thing was when I got out.
Interesting to hear some of your own stories and thank you for sharing them. For those who commented that there is something internal in herself going on, you may have hit on something. Employees are noticing she forgets things that she says and then explodes when things go different. She may be experiencing Alzheimers or something else. She is on the older side. Also, these super dramatic outbursts are really out of line for the situations she reacts to.
I always say bullies are mean because they are trying to detract from their own weakenesses and insecurities.
It does not matter if he tries to please her. She will always find the thing that didn’t go right. For example, he took handeld a situtation this week that no one picked up on but she reprimanded him because she was not informed right away. Even though, it was not something she needed to be aware of and very little time had passed by the time she was advised.
Bunsen Burner, I will pick up the book myself. Sounds interesting and you never know who will cross your path as a boss in the future.
I’m an employment lawyer and I don’t see anything legally actionable at all. Unfortunately, it’s not illegal to be a jerk (insert stronger language which would be edited out…). I am sorry for those of you who don’t trust or like your HR staff. I believe the staff at my company (Fortune 500) cares a lot about our large number of employees (over 20,000 in 49 states) and tries to promote our company’s mission and values while still representing the company’s interests. I promise you- I see it all, too.
I wonder if she can get away with saying things that are untrue. For example, if in the email that she sent to the higher ups, if she made up things that weren’t true about him, in order to get him fired—can’t see that one couldn’t document and sue if he did get fired. It’s one thing if it’s subjective, but if it’s a lie, that seems like harassment, age discrimination, or something.
We would have a pretty tough time being abusive towards another employee. If they reported it, and there was evidence, there could be trouble. And by being abusive, I mean things such as yelling or saying something inappropriate.
My daughter left a job she loved after 3 years due to a new manager. The previous manager and my daughter got along well, and my daughter has numerous promotions while in with this company. There was not a bad mark one on my daughter’s reviews; top scores all around.
Fast forward to new manager-it became obvious to everyone from the start that she did not care for women and was cleaning house. She made my daughter’s life miserable, gave her the equivalent of F’s on her reviews, and made ugly comments to my daughter throughout the day when she was actually in the office. No one else in the office cared for this woman, but others didn’t have the direct contact my daughter did with her.
After months of stress, trying to do everything this woman wanted, my daughter found another job, with a sister company. due to a visa issue, my daughter was not able to start with the new company, so instead went to grad school; something she had wanted to do, but work got in the way! New company waited for her to finish school and she starts work with them next month!
The best new my daughter received a few months ago from her friends still with the company was the manager was fired a while back!! Unfortunately, not soon enough for the people that left the company due to her.
Bullying isn’t legally actionable in most states. I don’t see an age discrimination issue here. Yes, it is always possible to stretch something into a legal claim (if a lawyer will take it), but I don’t see much here.