<p>rhandco - if you’re asking about my D, then no, my D did not break up with her BF only because of the depression. There were many other factors involved in the break-up. However, my D has offered to go with the ex-BF to therapy SEVERAL times, both before and after the break-up. He still refuses to go. I get the feeling that now he is just digging in his heels.</p>
<p>Honestly, having been privy to some of their arguments over the past year or so, I am glad that my D is out of the relationship (it wasn’t doing much for her mental health either.) That being said, though, I feel really bad for the ex-BF too. It’s a sad situation all the way around.</p>
<p>As to kicking a horse when they are down, I don’t view a breakup as necessarily being that. I too would want to help a friend- any friend, not just a boyfriend- but I also think we need to know when that help has reached its limits. </p>
<p>You can not help anyone who is not willing to accept help. Also, I don’t think a friend can provide the kind of professional help someone with depression needs. A friend can encourage, be supportive, but can not be co-dependent- that is to buy into the other person’s denial or enable the person to not seek help. </p>
<p>Dating is not marriage. At some point, I think a boyfriend/girlfriend can step back and say- this is too much for me. If they choose to continue the relationship- then both probably need counseling to deal with the situation. I consider marriage to be a different level of commitment. </p>
<p>Sometimes, like scouts D, leaving the relationship is the right decision. It seems that with kiddie’s situation, this is a new onset, and I very much hope that the boyfriend will accept help soon. However, if he refuses help, her D may reach a point where she feels she needs to make a different decision, and/or notify his family. </p>
<p>I actually lived through this in college. My senior year was – horrible. Complicating matters was the fact that I was suffering from undiagnosed depression/anxiety myself. When we did finally break up, I was devastated. I was well into my 30s before I realized that breaking up really had been the best course for both of us. Staying together even one more year would have led to such pain and quite likely worse.</p>
<p>I’m not offering break-up as a solution in OP’s case. Just more anecdotal data to ponder.</p>
<p>^ That can happen when one partner is focusing on helping the other while not attending to their own needs. This is why sometimes the partner needs counseling too. </p>
<p>Remember, on an airplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first. Parents, caregivers, partners can experience stress and burnout when helping others. </p>
<p>It’s a VERY powerless feeling to be in a relationship with someone you care about whom you feel is clinically depressed and refuses to get help. It drags you down and us very scary, especially when they make suicide threats and you don’t know what to do about those either. </p>
<p>I agree that you need to put your O2 mask on first and not feel trapped into remaining in a relationship that is ending anyway with someone who refuses to get professional help. Most of us are NOT qualified or able to help someone suffering clinical depression and would be too close to a person we had an intense relationship with to treat anyway. </p>
<p>It’s very wrong to guilt trip someone who had to break up with someone who is clinically depressed–for his or her own mental health. We can still encourage them to get the help they need but don’t have to remain in a relationship that is no longer good and healthy. </p>
Op here - Just to post a follow up. Boyfriend had a “success” which negated the “failure” which triggered his depression. He is doing great this semester and is very happy (a new person according to my daughter or maybe more like the old person). I think the problem is behind him since he now has a positive perspective on his future (about "what he wants to be when he grows up’ and his academic direction.)