We’re empty nesters with three bedrooms. Kids’ rooms are still theirs, with some storage use. Seamless when they come for a visit. My mother lives ten minutes away, so no need to stay here unless she can’t be alone. We’ll have her here for medical / safety reasons – recovery from outpatient surgery, power fails in her building, other one-off situations – but we’d have to put her in the master bedroom and ourselves elsewhere. She’d take the couch downstairs, but the dogs are there and are probably a tripping hazard if she gets up overnight. She’d be happy in either of our sons’ rooms if they weren’t there, but you have to walk past the staircase to get to the bathroom and she’s kind of rocky on her pins. Ditto our furnished walk-up attic, she’d love it, but no bathroom, and an 89 y.o. on the stairs at 3 AM is more stressful to me than finding a different place to sleep. Hilarious that we have all this room but only one suitable option for her.
I have the impression that this is being presented to you as a done deal – I’d be irked at that part too. And even though your son wasn’t raised where you’re living now, you’re still his home the same way.
Great to hear all the different definitions of family. Oddly, we think of the elders as family less because they’re our parents and more by virtue of being our children’s grandparents.
I really like the idea of renting a larger place for all of you.
You want your son to be with you. Your H wants his mother there too. For this to happen - all 4 of you to be in the same space and no one gets offended/hurt/left behind, you need an extra sleep spot. REALLY look at your space and figure out if you can fit a twin or full mattress (they really are pretty great these days - we used one this weekend that inflated by plugging it in and in a couple minutes it was inflated and was probably 2 1/2 feet high!). You might have to move a dining table or move a coffee table or whatever. Or check into one of the Ikea fold out chairs that makes a bed.
It may be a little crowded but if you’re at the beach then spend a lot of time outdoors!
We had 7 people - count them SEVEN - at our very small one and a half (very small twin) bedroom cottage this weekend - the main area (also small!) has a couple of futons. We made it work! It was only a little cramped at night when we pulled out all the beds. But, we were all together and for 4 days everyone was a good sport and it was definitely the BEST to be together.
"An example of a Missouri Statute defining immediate family is the Missouri Code of State Regulations,19 CSR 15-7.021 (18) (H). It defines immediate family as follows:
An immediate family member is defined as a parent; sibling; child by blood, adoption, or marriage; spouse; grandparent or grandchild."
Let’s move on from discussing what “immediate family” means since this is not a debate site.
@deb922 - I’m sorry you don’t get alone time with just your kids. We did go see ds in CA in June. Of course, we didn’t stay with him - he has a roommate and doesn’t have room! Ha ha! We stayed at a hotel that was within walking distance of his apartment. But, it was just the three of us then.
Mil does stay home at Christmas, but we will go there as will ds. It’s expected that we are going to spend time around Christmas at Mil’s. The last three years it has been on Christmas proper. Sil hosts at her home and that includes other of dh and mil’s family as well as her husband’s family. That’s just on THE day. Dh, ds, and I will al stay with mil - she has three bedrooms - for three or four days. Happily we will then travel to our previous home area of the state where ds was raised. The of three of us all hang together and see old friends. So, we will get some time with just our nuclear family unit at Christmas.
The staggering idea is a good one but not really feasible - at least not for many non-overlapping days. Ds is not going to be able to have that much time off - he will get vacation days for TG and Friday, but any other weeks days he will have to take off. Mil, being 80, has all the time in the world. So, it is most likely that ds time here will be “contained” within Mil’s (longer) time here. Ds is taking vacation days for a trip to Europe with friends at the end of August. I’m not going to whine that he spend ALL of his vacation time with us!
@HouseChatte - it is a done deal. She is coming at TG.
I’m not sure how we could say, “no,” and I really don’t want to. It would be nice if she could see that 1) it’s a long visit to stay with anyone, and 2) she would recognize our (probably just MY) desire to spend time only with our nuclear family. TBH, she has gotten a bit entitled since fil died.
I will ask dh about renting a larger place - at least during the time that ds is here. That does have some of its own challenges with meal prep and “moving” elsewhere, but it would allow us to all be together. Thankfully, it’s only a once-a-year challenge here. Maybe I will suggest a short cruise for all of us next year. My plan is to have “Christmas in July” - or whenever it’s convenient for ds’s family whenever ds marries and I have some grandchildren. Yes, I will be that crazy grandmother who puts up a Christmas tree in July!
Thanks to those saying I am a good dil. I’m trying!
I think one thing not to overlook is that most likely the MIL wants to spend time with her GS, whom it sounds like she might not see more than once a year. I’m speaking from a place of just having lost my Mom in April, but I know it was really important for her, and my grown kids, to spend time together. We’re more of a “pile everyone in” mindset. Though our eventual retirement home is actually bigger than our first home (admittedly tiny, so that’s one reason my kids are used to crowding.) My S would have been perfectly happy to sleep on the sofa so as to make his grandmother comfortable, and spend time with her. (and there have been times when he has.)
I don’t think it matters who we call “immediate family” so much as how we care for the people we love.
@abasket - where did everyone keep their stuff/luggage??? Seems like you’d be stepping over stuff constantly! We could put an air mattress in the eat-in kitchen area. No rug - just plain tile.
OP seems to get along with her MIL, so that is a good thing right off the bat. How old is she @Hoggirl ?
I agree that it would bug me for DS, who I love more than MIL, to come all that way and not have his own room. But I think there are bigger issues that take precedence.
Try for a moment to put yourself in the situation as elderly MIL, and your DS as the husband. Being told to come another time would be so hurtful, like a punch to the gut. I think it would be thoughtful of her to offer to stay someplace, but she probably thinks it will work out like last year. I would definitely give her the room and put DS on the couch. Move the heavy glass table.
Tell DS what is going on, that this is his grandma and his Dad’s mother. He will understand. At his age, he’d probably like his own hotel room if it came to that! Like a vacation, but he can get away from all the old people, even have some of his friends over.
It would have been much, much easier with the FIL alive to put them up. But since it’s just “mom”, she really needs to have that room.
OP - I know you obviously asked a question and for opinions but really the only thing that matters is how YOU feel about the situation. It’s perfectly OK for you not to agree with your husband on accommodations and to strike a compromise. IMO, compromise doesn’t mean that your wants to have your son under your roof are dismissed year after year. All feelings are valid, whether or not our loved ones agree with them or not.
I also feel compelled to point out that not everyone has a harmonious relationship with their parents or in-laws. Having healthy boundaries and knowing ones’ limits, is a positive thing. That looks different in all families.
I had a very hard time “sharing” our D last year. It was our first year of empty nesting and we had in-laws here for most of her Thanksgiving break, and then were with both sets of parents and siblings for xmas for more than half of her winter break. I’m sure some will think it’s selfish to say, but I felt robbed of alone time with my D. This year we are staying home for xmas and the inlaws just let us know they have a conflict with Thanksgiving. I’m doing the happy dance to be able to have extended, stress free, time with our D, especially since she won’t be home at all next summer.
@conmama - I do get along with mil. She is 80. Great shape, sharp.
I do understand how she feels. She will see ds at Christmas. She also was able to meet up with him for brunch when she was in California for her birthday last year. Since adulting has started for ds, she has seen him as often as we have seen him.
Two of the four years ds was in college, we went to CA for TG and attended football games on campus. Sophomore year when we were in CA, fil and mil went to sil’s for her husband’s family gathering. Fil disliked immensely. Ds’s senior year of college was the first year mil and fil were by themselves for TG. They were invited to sil’s but did not want to go. Did not/do not care for her husband’s family. Mil did not like that one bit and stated at that time that she was “not doing that again” - meaning spending TG just with fil. She didn’t have a chance since fil died the next August. When ds was in high school, sil would alternate between coming to mil’s house and spending TG with her husband’s family. So sil hasn’t always spent all TGs with her husband’s family. That has only been since our ds went to college. The years that sil was with her husband’s family, in-laws always came to stay with us for TG. Other than our trips to CA when ds was in college, the pattern had previously been that we were with them on TG. ALWAYS.
Part of their relative experience was that they never had to “share” our ds with my family since I have none.
I don’t want her to be alone, and I do want her to come. I am just not one who is overly sentimental about holidays and all having to be together on THE day for that Normal Rockwell moment. But, that’s irrelevant.
I imagine that we will “make do” one way or another for this year and then discuss renting a larger place for all of us - or meeting elsewhere - going forward.
@conmama “Try for a moment to put yourself in the situation as elderly MIL, and your DS as the husband. Being told to come another time would be so hurtful, like a punch to the gut.” is such a compassionate viewpoint. Having been raised by abusive parents throws a wrench in living these ideals as wholeheartedly as we would have liked. What my husband and I experienced and decided was:
the understanding (putting ourselves in another’s situation) was unilateral – we needed to understand our parents, but they weren’t interested in understanding us. We do not allow our understanding to drive our decisions about what to do for our elders. We do, however, heavily factor compassion and awareness of needs. Same outcome, different motivator.
people do not get to tell us when they are coming to stay at our home, so telling them we can’t accommodate them and XYZ time is open instead is perfectly acceptable. That said, in this instance there’s a climate of invitation at the very least, and I’m not ascribing this behavior to MIL; I was just speaking in more general terms.
@Hoggirl I wouldn’t want to say no either, to be honest. Having one of my kids bumped would sadden me over such a short visit, though. I hope you’re able to find an arrangement that’s comfortable and affordable for all of you.
We don’t have enough space for multiple guests, either. I would like to suggest that you swap out your heavy glass topped coffee table and current couch for a lighter coffee table, and a fold out sofa-bed. Much better than an airmattress, and would give you a long-term solution. I have really enjoyed some of your other posts about downsizing and frugality-while you might have to spend a bit to get the right size/movable table and sofa bed, it seems like it would pay off.
@Lennon - well all of our furniture is less than two years old, and it wasn’t cheap! I suppose we could move the current sleeper sofa in there and put a real bed in the second bedroom. Still would be cost prohibitive given the age and price point of what we have. I had wanted a Murphy bed in the second bedroom but got overruled by the decorator and dh! I truly wish I could offer ALL our guests a “real” bed. But, as I wrote before, most only stay three (occasionally, four) nights. Dh sits on the sofa part of the sleeper and reads. Lol. I do my classical guitar-playing and exercise in that room, too, so it needed to be versatile. Hence, the sleeper sofa.
I might also think of it like this…Your MIL is going to come…while DS may start to have more options. I would try to make it as comfortable as you can for him so he wants to come.
But I might ask: Would he rather sleep here, either on a air mattress or the spare room, or would he prefer an Airbnb/hotel?
I texted ds and asked him directly if it bothered him at all to stay in a different space. He texted back (with an ! - always a positive sign from the young folks) that he is not bothered by that at all. It is easier and less expensive to stash him somewhere than mil since he will be here fewer days. Also less expensive than renting a larger place for all of us. I’m going to have to get over the “sleeping under the same roof” thing.
If mil says anything at all about being relegated to the sleeper sofa while ds gets a real bed (she didn’t last year when he stayed at friends’ condo), I will allow that to open the door to a conversation about future years and what might be more comfortable to her. I really don’t think we should be expected to pay for her to stay somewhere else if she doesn’t stay with us. She’s not a poor person.
Thanks to everyone for thoughts, support, experiences, and ideas. I tend to fixate on things and make them bigger deals than they are. Ds wil spend all his non-working time with us in our place and just sleep elsewhere at night.
I knew he would like that! I know my oldest would love his own place. My youngest probably not so much. The exclamation point was all the go ahead you needed!
