On Yom Kippur, learning to restrain from gossiping is repeated many times in prayers. I try to think of atoning if I say something to another that I wouldn’t say in front of the person of interest.
That said, yesterday, eating brunch at local bagel shop, my friend–a teacher–ran into 2 teacher friends. They mentioned a recently retired teacher. One had seen this teacher with a walker and an aide, and got no response when trying to talk to her. My friend hadn’t heard of this. I know this person thru Bookclub. Now I’m interested, and hope to find out the reality.
^But hopefully you want to learn the reality because you want to be able to help if it’s true, not because it gives you some kind of pleasure to have the news before your friends, right?
There was a very messy situation at my office last week, which I think may have led to lasting ill will. One staff member was talking about something a little awkward and, not quite salacious, but pointing in that direction. Another co-worker, who wasn’t part of the conversation, but was present in the room, got quite upset and made her feelings known, complaining about how she hates gossip. Now, I can see her point that it was an office location, but the first person was speaking about herself and her own personal situation. Maybe it wasn’t dignified (although I don’t think it was terrible), but I don’t think speaking of oneself rises to gossip. I wondered about that, though, and was amused to see this thread right after.
I’ve been in Christian prayer meetings where people would gossip in the form of prayer, as in “Oh, Lord, please help Kara to forgive her husband’s infidelity” and “I pray for Kim, whose son was caught shoplifting yesterday.” Gossip is conveying information to people when that information really should be none of their business and when it doesn’t build up a community.
You have probably heard of the old times coffee klatches where the moms were supposedly spending their time “gossiping”. Well, back in the '50’s-'60’s the neighbor moms, all at home because of the society of the times regarding women working et al, would usually meet for an hour or so late mornings for some adult conversation. We kids hated it because they would discuss us and come to a consensus about what we wanted to do but were not allowed to. No telling your mom that X’s mom let her do it because she had already discussed it with X’s mom!
The bad part of gossip is passing false information that you have not verified. It is perhaps worse to spread true negative information or speculation. Let’s face it, people will continue the cruel childhood habits with words that are mean. I find that “Christian” prayer meetings comment interesting, as well as the Jewish admonishments. So much for being religious, huh?
@zoosermom, What you’re describing isn’t gossip. It sounds like one of your coworkers was just sharing more information than the other coworker wanted to hear. It was nice of her to speak up though. Better to say it directly than to comment behind the other person’s back. Now that would be gossip.
I think your definition of gossip can be affected by your age/generation.
My parents didn’t tell me that my cousin (who I see maybe once a year) was getting divorced. To me, divorce is simply a fact; to my mom and dad, divorce is embarrassing/negative and spreading info about such things equals gossip. So I’m at a family Christmas party chatting with this cousin when I finally ask, “Hey, where’s Mike?” She looks confused, says they split up, hadn’t I heard? Then it got weirder as she went into explicit detail about her affair that led to the divorce–which would have been outrageous gossip IF it came from anyone but her.
My D brings up way too many things that I think are gossip, like, “Liz is leaving JMU because she got arrested for underage drinking so her parents are making her come home for next year.” I know who Liz is because she and D went to the same schools since 1st grade, but she and D aren’t close friends and I didn’t know that Liz even went to JMU, so why would I want to know that she’s transferring, much less why? So I tell D that’s gossipy and she replies that it was posted by Liz on social media (honestly I can’t keep the snapstories and instagram and twitter straight so I won’t try to be more specific) so it’s perfectly OK to pass it on.
But then I have a dilemma: What if this had been one of D’s very good friends, who drops by our house, or whose parents I run into once in a while? Wouldn’t a heads up be nice so I don’t ask, “How’s JMU? Oh, you’re transferring? Why? I thought you loved it there?” and instead can ask, “So, you’re transferring to Temple? What program?” Is it still gossip if I use the information to be tactful?
Ok, what about this situation that I previously posted a thread on a few years ago.
I am part of a longterm group of 4 women who are very close, as are we with each other’s children.
They all met in Kindergarten. One friend was, until last year, in complete denial or complete unawareness of her now highschool-aged son’s Aspergers. This was something the other 3 of us spoke about as it became increasingly clear to us (and our children) as he aged.
It was something we occasionally hinted about to her or encouraged her to explore when the school brought it up/hinted at it. I spoke to her generally about the Temple Grandin book which I found fascinating. But it was not something she or her husband was open to even contemplating (which was very strange as she is a very logical scientist). It was also something our children, who feel fondly for him, asked us about as it became clear around early middle school he increasingly could’nt blend in.
I can say firmly that we all wanted what is best for this family. His diagnosis has actually been of great benefit to their family and the boy prides himself on being “neuro-atypical.” It also has lead my friend to a conclusion that her programmer husband is probably pretty nearly similar (which has caused her much consternation over the years re his lack of emotionality). But it is as if she had to get there herself.
It can be hard to make a line between gossip and information sharing. For example, let’s say there is a kid who is depressed and has been saying things to other kids who make it appear like they are really down, or in trouble of doing something…a kid telling others about that to me isn’t gossip, since the intent is there to prevent something. Or if you see a neighbor’s wife going around wearing sunglasses in winter and you have heard loud noises from their house, asking other neighbors if they saw anything is not gossip if you suspect she is being abused. Gossip like that to me is not really gossip…or if a family is in trouble, like a tale I read in a magazine, where this woman faced hard times, husband walked away, had a young kid and was pregnant, had nothing, and neighbors got together to help her, someone noticed, told others and they helped. Gossip for the sake of gossip is a problem, gossip for the sake of trying to get help for someone or prevent something to me isn’t gossip.
Not saying I don’t do it, it is human nature to do so, but especially where it is mean spirited or some judgemental person doing it to embarass or shame others, it is vile, it is just another person who likely has more than a few secrets themselves yet enjoys judging others (like religious people who go around judging others, with gossip it seems like the more secrets they have, the more they gossip about others:)
@Tempemom, I think it’s both. I don’t think gossip is inherently bad. In @Luckycharms913 example, it’s clear she would have benefited from a quiet heads up. A couple of years ago my husband ran into an acquaintance. When he asked after the spouse he was told they were no longer together. He passed the information on to me. Gossipy? Yes. But I’d really hate to run into someone and ask about a spouse and have them explain (for probably the 100th time) that they’re no longer together. I think the reason behind the sharing matters.
I think you did the best you could with your friend. She probably did have to process it when she was ready, but maybe the opportunity she had to talk to the rest of you helped her get there. I think it matters that you’re all good friends and the discussions were contained amongst the 3 of you. She seems to have responded somewhat since she shared what the school said, so your comments don’t appear to have been unwelcome.
The part that still bothers me was the grown up’s attempt to get info from my DS. She may have been trying to indirectly counsel my DS about his behavior as well. Not cool!!
Talking about others for entertainment. If I mention Ellen’s illness because I want to know if I can help in any way, that’s different than talking about it because it’s an interesting topic. And yes, if she would be upset if she overheard the conversation, it probably means you have said more than enough.
Gossip is any potentially embarrassing information about a person that someone has decided to pass along without that person’s permission and with a bit of a zing against that person. IMO.