<p>Bookiemom, you are making me cry. I just don’t know how people live through the loss of a child.</p>
<p>On NPR around Mother’s Day, they played a piece by a mom who had lost a child. She said that the surprising thing was that she didn’t die…that she actually could and did live.</p>
<p>Thanks to all who have shared their thoughts. You’ve been very helpful. How do we give them space, let them grieve in their own way and still take over meals, do yardwork, etc. Is there something specific to say? Seems I’m not thinking straight myself. It’s just so, so sad.</p>
<p>I cannot fathom how I would survive such a loss. With the loss of an only child, your whole place in the world changes. Besides grieving for the child you loved, you are suddenly no longer a parent. Which means you won’t be a grandparent. It just changes your whole role in life, and in society.</p>
<p>I hope I am never confronted with this situation but I’m reading this thread to get ideas of how to help someone else if that time comes. It seems to me that the things that bring up the child’s memory - whether writing down stories about him, or sharing photos, or memorializing him at the school - would be the most helpful. It seems like my biggest fear would be that my child would be forgotten.</p>
<p>This is a real toughie. My parents lost 6 children - 3 in infancy, one at 3 from cancer, one aged 6 from menigitis, and one at 19 in an accident. I was one of the later children so I only remember my younger brother’s death when he was 19. I grew up in a family of ghosts - a family of people who were supposed to be there but weren’t. My dad found solace in his relationship with God, but I think my mom just kind of shut herself off from getting too close to people, including my sister. brother and me. </p>
<p>My mom was closest to people who knew the family history. (They moved several times over the years due to my dad’s work.) Sharing a history like that is very difficult. I don’t know how many people that my parents knew, knew everything. Just having that knowledge creates a connection. Being able to listen to the parents tell their story when they are ready, even if you have heard it several times before, can be helpful. I also know that when my younger brother died my sister and I were both married and living in different towns. The neighbors took it upon themselves to invite my parents over or out for dinner on a pretty regular basis. Just having an outlet where they either could talk or escape, helped them I think. </p>
<p>We also had a neighbor who lost their only son to leukemia at 13. Towards the end, when they were pretty much at the hospital 24-7, we went over and cleaned the gutters. We didn’t ask, we just did it because we could see they were getting clogged with leaves. A couple of years ago I saw the mom at a party (they moved out of the neighborhood a few years after their son died) and she commented, even then, how much she appreciated us cleaning the gutters. Who would have thought?</p>
<p>Shennie: your poor parents, oh my, that is so hard. My great-grandmother lost three babies (but did have ten children who lived) and my grandmother lost her infant son, her mother, and her favorite sister all in one year. Prior to WWII, it was very common to lose a child. Most families had lost a baby. I did take some comfort in that, thinking of how many other mothers had lost children.</p>
<p>It’s very strange, but five of my boyfriends in high school and college also lost children. That was very eerie to me when I pieced that together.</p>
<p>One more thing, don’t ask “is there anything I can do?” but instead offer to do something specific. Like Shennie’s neighbor’s gutters, I still remember the friend who came over and cleaned the bathrooms the morning of my son’s memorial so that they’d be nice when people came over after the service.</p>
<p>Yes, that is right, dmd. </p>
<p>To OP: you asked specifically what to do in order to reach out to this family. Try calling the boy’s school to see if someone is coordinating dinners. In my case, the room mom from my D’s class did this. If no one is doing it, you could volunteer.</p>
<p>Is there someone from the family there at the house with them answering the phone and door and helping them make plans? If so, you can talk to that person and offer some specific help. If not, you could leave a note at the door offering to come over and help, if you don’t want to call. (You could put the note with some nice bread and jam or muffins in a basket or gift bag.) Really, that first week, the parents will need a lot of help.</p>
<p>I just wanted to thank the poster who mentioned Compassionate Friends. </p>
<p>Our family lost my precious niece - my sister’s oldest child - just 2 months ago on May 5th. She would have been 28 on July 7th. My sister and brother-in-law are two of the strongest people I know and I am amazed everyday how they support each other and their 2 younger daughters and 2 granddaughters. We are a very tight knit family and are in touch nearly every day. </p>
<p>I wish I knew what to say. The loss of her passing is felt by many, many people. I think of her every day and go from chuckling at memories to sobbing at the drop of a hat. I cannot even begin to imagine what my sister must feel. I feel guilty that I am getting joy from my son and his accomplishments and the next phase in his life. I feel guilty when I get annoyed with my son for those minor issues that parents get annoyed about. Yet my sister feels the joy I feel for her nephew and rejoices as I do in him. </p>
<p>I wish I could bring back her daughter. All I can do is be her sister and take it day by day. </p>
<p>One of the things that was done at her wake was a request to everyone to write a happy memory that they shared with my niece. There was a beautiful box and beautiful paper available for everyone who wanted to share something. We have lots and lots of memories from the many that loved her. I agree with those that encourage talking and sharing about the deceased child. It really is comforting.</p>
<p>A neighbor couple near me has been helped by Compassionate Friends. I think they meet monthly.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for the loss of this child and I agree with all the posters that have mentioned the family’s ongoing need to speak of the child in the future.</p>
<p>This thread breaks my heart. I lost a sibling several years ago (as an adult) and I urge you to please, please send a card or better yet a note or letter to the parents. My parents have saved all of the cards/notes/letters they received and re-read them (so do I when I visit).
Someone mentioned siblings. I am so thankful for the people who also remembered us. I also have cards and notes saved.</p>
<p>This thread is breaking my heart as well. Please, all of you who hurting, accept my sympathies.</p>
<p>My BIL died at age 24, 22 years ago. There is still a scar in the family, there always will be. A kind therapist told my husband, “You will never get over this but you will learn to live with it and it’s going to be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.” </p>
<p>I would add to the wonderful words here to anticipate that whatever you do may be “wrong.” By which I mean, people who are grieving such a deep, painful loss may not always be capable of gratitude, articulating what they really mean or what, and/or find appropriate outlets for the less socially acceptable aspects of grief like anger. </p>
<p>In my mind, when someone I love has lost someone they love, I give them a years long pass for harsh words or an ugly attitude. Inevitably, within a few days they are apologetic or want to pretend it never happened. Their heart is shattered, they need time to put it back together in it’s new configuration.</p>
<p>So, go to them. Hug them, write them cards and letters, invite them over for dinner even when you’ve gotten five “no thank yous” in a row and so on. And if you find yourself being snapped at or the like, don’t take it personally, remind yourself that it’s the grief talking. It’s a terrible irony of human nature that sometimes when we need people the most, we are incapable of letting them know that.</p>
<p>While I did not lose my only son, I came as close as you can without it really happening. It was a terrible time. The best things that people said to me were simply “I am so sorry” and “How are you doing?” The worst things were trying to tell me how I should feel, giving examples of how things could be much worse, and offering religious platitudes (I am not a religious person–could be different for other poeple). The best things anyone did are the concrete things like those people have described here. Someone took care of my dog so I could stay at the hospital. A neighbor raked the leaves and another put up my storm windows. I will never forget these people. One of my closest friends lost a son ten years ago in an accident. She found Compassionate Friends to be of great help. She has thrown herself into volunteer work. As the tenth anniversary of her son’s death approaches, I am organizing our mutual friends and neighbors to make a significant contribution to her favorite charity, which benefits children. I think it is important never to forget because she never will.</p>
<p>I’m really glad I read this thread. I’ve only known a couple of people who have lost their children and each time we donated to a charity which was mentioned in the obituary. Lacking such a memorial request, I would certainly have sent flowers. I would not have realized that sending flowers could conceivably cause someone pain.</p>
<p>I appreciate all of the wonderful suggestions.</p>
<p>After my brother’s accident my parents received meals and cards. My brother’s graduating class also sent us a collage of photos of him at school with a giant card signed by all of his classmates. </p>
<p>However, in your situation, I can’t stress enough how much dropping off a meal helps. If it weren’t for the kindness of others, my family probably wouldn’t have eaten for the first two weeks after the accident.</p>
<p>Edit:
Some of my mother’s co-workers at the time came by a couple of days out of the week to help us with yard work. My mother was so appreciative, especially considering that they live 15-20 miles away.</p>