How far away from home would you send your autistic child?

system · December 22, 2009, 3:23pm

Calmom, I can see that you interpret things the way that suits you and I’ll just accept that and move on. But please don’t put words in my mouth any longer. You’ve made my head hurt.

Obviously other posters had the same sense that I did:
“I’ve lost track of the original question…wasn’t the OP asking “how far away would you send your autistic child?” or was it “should he go to CalTech?” Not sure about calTech. Clearly calmom likes to describe it”

And other posters obviously think along the same lines as what I’ve said:
“Our judgment was to minimize risk by keeping DS somewhat nearby for any potential rescue or support missions.”

I hope that you and your families have a happy holiday.

umcp11 · December 22, 2009, 4:09pm

While I agree with how calmom handled the situation - she gave specific parameters when kids were apply - the whole “apply where you want (heck, maybe you’ll get rejected and I won’t have to deal with it!” attitude that parents can have CAN be very damaging.

Do NOT let your kid apply to a school to “see what happens” if it’s HIGHLY unlikely that you’ll let them go. I mean, maybe you can’t really stop a kid, but you CAN tell them something less affirming than “apply where you want” while hoping they get rejected in the back of your mind. The discussion DOES start now, when the kid is applying, NOT when they get their acceptances back. Because if you don’t start and virtually end it now (I’m paying X no matter what, you’re going X far no matter what, etc.), the child will NOT know where to apply.

Ex. My parents told me to apply to wherever. They gave me VERY vague parameters “well, we’re not sure if we’d pay for a private, we can’t give you the exact amount we can afford (our income is personal blahblah that’s not your business), it just doesn’t /seem/ worth it but we don’t know, apply and we’ll see” and “well, I’d prefer for you not to go far away, but, that’s just what I’d /prefer/” and never laid the law down. Then I applied to wherever I wanted essentially, and they said “nope, too far, too expensive, only this one - yes I know it’s your last choice but it’s your only option”. And then they told me “well we let you apply because we just thought you’d get rejected and it didn’t matter” or “we almost let you visit that school because we were hoping you would hate it”.

If I had known anything about what they were thinking, I would have came up with a COMPLETELY different list of schools. I would have compromised more and I most assuredly wouldn’t have been left at my dead safety-totally-last-choice-option.

So the discussion DOES start now and it SHOULD end now (you don’t know exactly what you can afford maybe until finaid comes back, but you CAN say “we’re only paying X”; you don’t know exactly how mature he’ll be by the end of next year, but you CAN Say “we want to see X, X, X, improvement, and if that happens, then you can go X far away, but no matter what we’ll never let you go X”), when he’s applying, because otherwise he does not know what kind of list of schools to make. Then, HELP him come up with a better list. Don’t just shake your head and say, well, do what you will, say, this list is unrealistic and it’s 95% sure I’m not gonna go for any of these, sorry. Don’t pull the rug out from under him later. If you’re unlikely to ever let him go to Cal, don’t give him false hope by endorsing his decision to apply, end of story.

calmom · December 22, 2009, 4:21pm

Magnoliamom, the OP wrote: "Yea, he really loves Caltech and wants to study astrophysics and math. " (post #7). That’s why I’m talking about Cal Tech.

I can’t help it if other posters can’t read and attribute things to me that were said by OP on the first page of posts. If the OP lived in Arizona and the kid wanted to attend MIT, then I would have been talking about MIT. If he had wanted Berkeley, I’d be talking Berkeley. It’s not a matter of my preference – the OP said that the family is in New York, the kid wants Cal Tech, and the parents are worried about the distance.

I have been vary consistent in what I have said and I ALSO took the time to go to the Cal Tech web site, look for information there about autism resources, look for info about how their housing works, and look for other links with resources and information for college students with autism. As far as I can tell, I am the only poster in this particular thread that did this. Knowing about those resources will help the family make a decision – two of the links I posted were for organizations that specialize in helping autistic students plan for college and putting a support system in place. When its a matter of a roommate match, it can be a luck of the draw type of situation --and colleges have all sorts of different housing arrangements, some of which are more or less conducive to the needs of an autistic-spectrum student.

I could have shared success stories – for example I know someone who lived in Texas who sent their spectrum kid to Grinnell, which is really far away and hard to get to. As far as I know the kid has done well (he stayed in school). I know someone else who lives in Illinois and sent their non-autistic (“normal”) kid to Grinnell, and he stuck it out but was miserable much of the time, because he had a rough time with roommates, and uncomfortable dorm room, and realized after getting there that it would have been better to be closer to a major urban center. So its really hard to say in a given circumstance.

If the family does NOT take advantage of some of the resources available – that is, if they choose not to contact an organization that specializes in support for autistic students, and if they fail to even look at what support systems are in place at Cal Tech or any other faraway college the kid is interested in … how are they doing right by that kid? I’m not saying that they have to favor one choice over another – I’m saying that the parents owe it to themselves AND to their kid to become better informed about their options, and not simply be ruled by their own fears. They should make an informed choice at the time, and certainly an 18 year old’s wishes in terms of his own education and future should be given very serious consideration.

bartleby · December 22, 2009, 7:10pm

I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but a lot of people from Cal Tech are socially eccentric, so such eccentricities may be better accepted there than anywhere else.

menloparkmom · December 22, 2009, 7:29pm

‘I’m saying that the parents owe it to themselves AND to their kid to become better informed about their options, and not simply be ruled by their own fears. They should make an informed choice at the time, and certainly an 18 year old’s wishes in terms of his own education and future should be given very serious consideration.’
I totally agree! May 2011 is 15 months from now, and very bright Aspie kids can mature a lot in the last 2 years of HS. As long as the OP’s son KNOWS that the reputation of the rigor and pace at Cal Tech is akin to “drinking water from a fire hose”, and is not only fine with that, but looks FORWARD to that level of intensity, then there is no reason not to let him apply, and see what happens.
And Bartley is absolutely correct. Brilliant, socially awkward, Geeky kids whose focus is their academic interests can be very happy at colleges like CT, and MIT.

Av8r · December 22, 2009, 7:29pm

"the ultimate goal should be the young person’s ability to maximize his potential and lead a productive and happy life. To the extent that his autism creates more obstacles for him, it may be that much more important that he be at the best fit college, even if it is a different campus. He’s probably not a bloom-wherever-he’s-planted type of kid. The wrong social fit 20 minutes from home might be more devastating long term then a somewhat shaky adjustment period to the right fit thousands of miles away.

This is exactly right. Fit is so important for autistic kids, and the right fit might not be close to home. I wish there were some school within four hours drive of my house that would fit my son. But there is not, even though I live in a large metropolitan area, so with trepidation we sent him half a continent away. Everything hasn’t gone perfectly, but it’s been clear from the start that he found the right fit for him. If I had to do it again, I’d send him again and not worry so much. "

I agree with these statements 100%. He may be much more comfortable in one of the serious “geek” schools like Cal Tech, Harvey Mudd or Carnegie Mellon than he would be in a different setting. When high functioning autistics are doing something they are obsessed with, they are at their best…and often far more comfortable socially than usual. And for some autistics, they could care less whether their parents are 2 miles or 2,000 miles away. Depends on the kid. What a great brother you are, looking out for him!

frazzled2thecore · December 22, 2009, 7:55pm

To the OP:

Three years ago the New York Times had an article, “A Dream Not Denied” (I just googled it to check) about a young woman from AS (and perfect SAT’s) and the support she needed (and obtained) to graduate from Carnegie Mellon. Even “geek schools” can present challenges to bright spectrum students. It would not hurt to do some research ahead of time about the kinds of supports that would be needed, and that article might be a good place to start.

It might also be a good idea to consider if, how, and when your brother should disclose he is on the spectrum.

You do not say whether or not your brother has ever been away from home, living in a communal setting. My daughter (not on the spectrum) had not, but before she applied to college half a continent away, I encouraged her to try out living in a dorm and attending a summer class for a few weeks.

trent4332 · December 22, 2009, 9:40pm

I have often wondered if I am autistic. When I was in college back in the late 70s to early 80s there were no such things for people. It was sink or swim. I have not done well in live. I did manage to graduate and years later did manage to get a MS in my major,but no job. I have often felt as if I am too dumb to get a real job. I am now 51, unemployed but I apply for every job I see as a geologist. I spend my life taking care of my 81 year old mother and living off her income. I wish I could land a job I could keep for longer than four years. My undergrad GPA was 2.29 and my graduate GPA was 3.25.

compmom · December 23, 2009, 8:51am

I don’t think anyone here lets their kids make decisions without any parental input.

I posted that explicit conversations need to occur about the various pros and cons of college location choice.

Giving a kid autonomy in the choice process, while still watching out for their physical and psychic safety, can involve some subtlety that can be hard to describe.

I know it took a huge amount of courage for me to allow my daughter to consider far-away schools. It took even more courage for her to consider them. It was a wonderful, stretching, expansive exercise on both our parts. We discussed the benefits and risks thoroughly, but she led the discussion and I followed. With another kid, I might have to lead more.

The bottom line is that I would not have said no. But I am immensely relieved that she decided to be closer. And, in fact, she has needed support from home quite frequently.

But rather than feeling limited by her disability, she feels that she made a free choice based on factors that may or may not have anything to do with her special needs. She didn’t ever mention closeness to home as a factor: she said she chose based on the academic program and vibe. But, I am, sure, beneath her pride, closeness to home may have been a big plus.

It takes MORE parental involvement to negotiate all this delicately and respectfully, not less! It would have been a lot easier to have said no: no visits across the country, no worries, no investigations of supports on campus, no long discussions with my daughter.

But all that work on behalf of her autonomy paid off in a closer and mutually respectful relationship that will serve her- and me- well over time.

There aren’t two stark options: let them do what they want, or tell them what to do. Good parenting happens somewhere in the murky middle. It is hard for all of us. But it is a lot better for us to try to understand rather than judge.

Av8r · December 23, 2009, 1:00pm

Frazzled, that is a really good article, I enjoyed it immensely and gives some useful information.

Trent, I hope you have/will spend some time talking to people to help you figure out how to recharge your life. You are still young and there is plenty of time to find something to do or someone that you truly enjoy. I hope you keep your spirits up, keep looking and trying. Even if you can’t get that perfect job (most people can’t), at least you can find something in your life to do that gives you enjoyment-whether it is volunteering, church, hobbies, physical exercise or meeting new people. Whether you have some form of autism or not, there are many groups that provide advice and social outlets. I wish you luck and hope you find happiness.

nychomie · December 27, 2009, 8:41pm

Wow, I go away for a week and there are so many posts all of a sudden. I really appreciate all the help. I will print this thread and bookmark the relevant sites.

How far away from home would you send your autistic child?

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