<p>Bob, I hope you and your wife can just drop everything and drive or fly there. If it were us, we wouldn’t know what to think until we laid eyes on the child, held her face in our hands and asked, “how are you?” </p>
<p>If you can afford to go together (if no children left at home, etc.) I’d think that helpful because you can share your perceptions with spouse. </p>
<p>She sounds in such bad shape that you could make up an excuse and say there’s a conference in the city for your work. I don’t think she’d care. If she needs to see you, she’ll just be grateful you show up and not question it.</p>
<p>I’m suggesting don’t even ask her, should we come–rather just go. Then you’ll know better what to do. How can you assess this situation by phone…I couldn’t.</p>
<p>EDIT: BTW, my kids are lousy about responding to “friends and relatives” who contact them at college, no matter how they feel. It’s crappy but they aren’t good about it. Cousin Sue’s phonecall just isn’t a priority. The only way they’re good if it’s grandma (big emotional pull there) or if a cousin emails. But they don’t phone anybody back who’s not on campus; too irrelevant to their life. </p>
<p>If she’s that adamant not to return home, it could be she feels there are things worse about home than college. Can you see her and ask her to make a choice: either come home or stay in place and see the mental health professionals on campus or get an offcampus evaluation. Then at least she’s choosing something. You sound like you’ve already pre-determined she needs to come home, when it’s possible she could work this out in place with better help.</p>