This is one of the main reasons we’re going to downsize. Even though, I’m only 65 and my wife is a few months shy of 60, we know our 4 bedroom colonial on a hill with a 650 ft driveway will become difficult over time. We want a 3 bedroom ranch on a smaller flat piece of property. My father had a cape and it started to become more difficult for him, walking up and down the stairs when he hit his 90’s. My in - laws had to install all kinds of things in their house including new safer bathtubs with handles and a ramp going into the house instead of the stairs that were originally there. My father - in - law had Parkinsons.
@DocT Your children will thank you for it! My parents made the decision to build a new house in their late 60s with a first floor master and everything they personally needed for main floor living. They minimized hallways and built them wide, they built a walk in shower, wider doorways, etc. It’s a beautiful, trendy home yet wheelchair friendly if the time comes. Another thing I’d suggest doing that they did is a generator that immediately kicks on if the power fails.
That’s a good idea. My father lost power a few years back for a week during an October snowstorm. At first he refused to stay with us but after a few days, he had no choice which he would have had if he had the generator.
"Oh,I’m so,so sorry Busdriver. I could see my Dad having had that same idea. Just so insanely dangerous but logical in his mind. I like your thinking though. Make it all about your mom and how horrible it would be if she fell.
What are the odds of you hiring someone to do it and your Dad allowing it?
Is there any possibility of them living on the ground level in the future? Is there a bathroom with a shower, a room that can be a bedroom and possible washer/dryer space?
My dad, god love him, was stubborn, argumentative, hard headed and fiercely independent. And that was on a good day. Yikes"
Are you a long lost sister? It sounds like we have the same father. He does live on the ground level, completely, however there are two sets of stairs to get up from the road. They aren’t long sets. One is only three stairs. Bathroom with a shower? Heh, heh, my Dad decided a long time ago that he didn’t need no stinking shower. He doesn’t need to bathe. I’m assuming he is able to get clean via handwashing, or maybe he just doesn’t get dirty. Pretty sure that he wouldn’t use a shower even if we installed one with handrails.
I suspect that my Dad would go for anything if I paid for it. They cancelled the home phone, and he wouldn’t get a cell phone until I said I’d pay for it. The next day he went out and got an iPhone 6+. He loves that phone dearly, However, as easy as it would be for me to just say I’ll pay for everything, I do want to stay married, it’s not only my money, we don’t do things independently. The handyman gave my mom a quote yesterday (an awesome one), that was materials plus $500 labor. Unbelievable deal, and supposedly he starts on Monday. I will be available by phone just in case there’s any backing out. I told my Mom to lie about the price, if needed. Honestly, as far as getting my Dad used to getting work done and paying for it, this seems like the best way to start, with something so important. Then maybe he’ll do the little stuff.
This is why I plan to move to a retirement community sooner rather than later. Let them take care of everything.
@busdriver11 I feel for you. I went through a similar situation with my parents. (And to illustrate the stubbornness of my Dad, I’ll share something. The man was experiencing abdominal pain, but hated hospitals. Long, story short, he waited so long until it was unbearable that when he eventually had to go, he had emergency surgery to remove his gall bladder. The doctor said it was gangrene and he couldn’t imagine the pain my father must have been in…that’s stubborn!!)
Anyway, I digress. Here is my suggestion. Focus on your mother. They are a team and now that my father has passed I realize how much the stress was affecting her. You said:
Plus, keep in mind that they are probably keeping things from you, because they don;t want you to worry. They are under the misguided belief that things will miraculously go back to the way things were. So I suggest you gently start making the conversation about her. What if something happens to Mom? If she was compromised in her ability to do everything she is now doing, would they feel comfortable with a stranger living in their home to help them. Or if the worst happened, there would be no alternative, but a move to senior living. It would be sudden and much more difficult under those circumstances.
Talk about the added stress to you and your siblings, (how you worry, a lot, and will have to drop things if something were to happen) Express how it would be better for you if you could all work together under your own terms than waiting for “an event”. Appeal to them as parents…at least with my parents, they felt strongly that they didn’t want to be a burden. Be honest so your parents know what you are, and are not, willing to do. State your preference.
In my case, my parents had to deal with two things before ‘getting on board’…1. confronting their fear and preconception of “nursing homes” and 2. could they afford senior living.
Both were addressed by visiting a few senior living facilities. Do it. Do it now. Knowledge is power. Either there are affordable facilities which your parents would find acceptable or there aren’t. You don’t know until you visit and get smarter. (I could write a lot on this…we didn’t know, what we didn’t know. Senior living is expensive when you look at the number, but when we looked at how much was coming in and how much would be going out, we finally realized how relatively small their monthly draw down from their net worth would actually be…and in the process the added benefit was organizing their financial affairs!)
If your Mom is talking about moving, in my opinion, you should start making plans. It may be difficult, time consuming and costly, but I suspect that may be her subtle cry for help. To my parents’ surprise, the community they found in senior living enhanced their quality of life and reduced the inevitable, stressful decline that comes with advanced aging.
@busdriver11 I wish you and everyone else in a similar situation well. I don’t want to seem pushy concerning senior living, but we are also dealing with my DH’s parents, who made the first floor accommodations in their house so they can age in place. However, as my FIL declines and my MIL is still going strong, we can see the drawbacks for the spouse who is in better shape. It can be isolating. MIL is sad about the cancelled, annual trip to Florida. She is uncomfortable leaving FIL alone…something could happen. She feels socially isolated as nearby friends move to be closer to their children. She would love the social interaction of a senior facility, but fears it “causes” decline. For them it’s a matter of feeling safe (for now) in their current place and fear of the unknown. Acknowledge yet help them confront their fears by talking about different scenarios. I suspect your Dad might benefit from the change of scenery and the safe environment. My Dad came to love sitting in the lobby, talking and watching people come and go, with the “other guys”. It became a safe haven…with plenty of accessible bathrooms…that he didn’t want to leave. Good luck!
Oh and before I posted this comment I noticed @Iglooo’s comment. I think it would be easier to go into a retirement community as a couple rather than alone. jmo
@88jm19, all great suggestions. I think it is something I can get my mother to start checking into. She is eleven years younger than my Dad, and in great shape, still hiking and running. She hates that house and has talked about moving into some sort of senior housing. She did a lot of checking out assisted living facilities for my Grandmother, but I doubt my mother alone would need assisted living for a long time. My Dad has a number of health problems (he is 86) and even though he thinks that one day he is going to be magically cured and he’s going to run around the mountains again, I don’t know how long he will survive. I honestly think it might be easier for them to stay in the house than attempt to move my Dad (who would go completely ballistic if she tried to move), and wait until he passes away. I just don’t want him to die because of a ridiculous accident.
But I definitely think she should start checking things out. Who knows, if she finds a good place and takes him there, maybe he will consider it? First step though, is to be able to get him out of the house!!
As far as trying to guilt him about other people, I doubt that will work, sadly. He has gotten extraordinarily selfish in his old age, and every single thing is about him. I’m sure he’d love it if me and my sister (2,000 miles away) would quit our jobs and wait on him hand and foot. He is going to give my mother a stroke, and is seriously unconcerned about that. He is in a tiny world that revolves around himself, 100%.
Sounds like you need to work on empowering your mother and getting her to speak up and take charge of things more, something that will serve her well for that time when she’ll be on her own anyway. Frankly, given the age difference and his dependency on her for many things, she has the upper hand now, despite any bluster your dad might throw around.Power balances do shift. If they need railings, she should just and make the decision to get the railings. Really, what’s your dad going to do about it? I know, easier said than done but the possible alternative scenarios are much worse.
Is this the Parents caring for Parents thread??
Busdriver, your father has it all wrong. FIL had the stairs problem solved. He thew his basket of laundry down the stairs. Then he sat down and bumped down the stairs on his backside. Then he put the laundry in the basket and kicked it to the washer. Going up the stairs was easier. Now try to picture the looks the social workers gave us when he explained this process.
MIL wanted to move. We’d bring it up, she’d get interested, he’d get belligerent, she’d suddenly remember that she was fine, he was fine, everything was fine, never mind. No, couldn’t possibly even look. They never moved, never spent the money they saved for retirement. Sad, sad, sad.
What that’s got to do with this thread is that DH and I are going to move before we need to, and enjoy the travel and convenience that our savings can provide us with no guilt at all.
MomofJandL, if my Dad could bump down the steps without extreme pain, he’d do it. Problem solved, no railing needed, right? 
Doschicos, that sounds like a conversation I’ve had with my mother for years. She is a strong woman, incredibly bossy, and as a Boeing engineer, has always made more money than my father. But it’s a weird relationship, though she yells like crazy at him, she will defer on this issue. She says he will tell the worker to leave. Just had a toilet delivered, my Dad turned them away at the door, they took back the toilet. People will leave if someone is yelling at them to go, unfortunately. We will see if he sticks to his word on Monday.
And it does seem like an off topic for the retirement thread, but actually, I think it is completely related. Spend your retirement money to make yourself safe and comfortable. And especially if someone has tendencies towards crazy, get it done before it’s too late. There is no way that any of us on this thread are going to do this to ourselves, we are going to spend our money if we need to, right?
So, to tie this even more to retirement: what improvements should I, a 54-year-old relatively healthy woman, make to my house? Here are some current issues: bumpy driveway (soon-to-be-ex-husband repaved it himself several years ago, and it’s not in good shape); second bathroom has major ceiling issues because of water leaks; one window has a big crack; some rooms and areas around windows need paint. I think I’ll probably sell the house within the next few decades: before I’m infirm but not right away. I’m frugal but will not have a lot of excess cash, if I bump my retirement plan contributions and savings, which I think I should do. Thoughts?
Is the house already solely yours? Are getting the house as part of the divorce agreement? Are you buying your soon-to-be ex out?
The answers to these would change the conditions of what I vs. we improve.
Might you be in a better place to sell and downsize now without having decades of failing property to contend with?
I will probably get the house in the divorce and I will not need to buy out my ex. If he gets the house, these questions will be moot, of course.
I have a dog and so need to live in a place in which I can keep her. She’s 10; she could live for 5 or 6 more years. And I think my daughters would like me to not sell the house right away. They’re adults but they visit and they’re bonded to me and the house.
OMG, this is my dad. Split level house, no stair rail out the front, stubborn beyond belief, says he will die in that house. It is crazy-making, but he is still competent…
My FIL is also a “the only way I’ll leave this house is flat on my back” person (i.e., when his corpse is rolled out after he dies).
Rosered, in your shoes I’d want my STBX to get the house in the divorce so I would be free to move on to someplace that better suited me. Your daughters may have fond memories, but they will visit you no matter where you live and surely they wouldn’t want you to be burdened with ongoing repairs. Your house sounds as if it has some serious problems that could be very costly to repair. If buying a smaller house in good condition isn’t feasible, then I’d look into rentals that allow pets. You might consider making a move shortly and another in 5 to 10 years after your dog passes and when your needs change, if you’re looking at rentals.
Yes, yes @busdriver11 ; same dad for sure. I totally get what you are dealing with here. It does not get any easier either
We begged my mom to not go first and leave us with dad. It was a standing joke. Sadly she died 8 years before him and lets just say those 8 years were… something! I am sure he is still catching hell from her for what he put us through.
She did say though, to take it easy on him because he really was a good man. So that always stayed with us through those next 8 years. It became our mantra when we really wanted to strangle him.
We are pretty much retired. We need to downsize. Now. We still have a mortgage and our property taxes are high and going up all the time. But getting my husband to get moving on this is nearly impossible. I keep saying we are not getting any younger and that we are lucky to not be dealing with health issues right now so LETS GET GOING!
AArrgghhh.
That seems to be the one thing missing on this retirement thread. What happens when you are not on the same page. What do you do when you disagree on investments and on how to move forward?
For us, we end up doing nothing. No one is happy. Nothing gets done.
@Silpat, if my husband got the house, he’d have to sell it and pay me or he’d have to give me an equivalent amount of his retirement assets. It would be highly likely that I would be waiting years for him to act. So, while I will keep open the possibility of selling the house in a few years, it would be extremely risky for me for the property division to require any sustained affirmative action by my husband. Talk about not being on the same page…
@sax, my dh and I are not on the same page about moving either. I persuaded him to put our house on the market a couple of years ago, but when it didn’t sell quickly (& houses this size/price do not move fast here) he agreed with our RE agent that we should remain here until after he retires. Now dh has postponed retirement again and wants to remain in this house for at least 10 years.
I agree with dh that our house has many good points and is well suited for aging in place, except for its size. It’s huge and I’m tired of maintaining it. I’ve fired a dozen cleaning services over the years and end up doing it myself. With multiple medical problems, I’m often unable to keep the house the way I prefer it. Dh offers to pitch in, but that’s not happening consistently until after he retires - if then. He just says to try another cleaning service, but there aren’t any I haven’t already fired.
If something happened to dh, I’d sell this house for whatever I could get (and not think twice about the massive loss.) Meanwhile, I collect floorplans and photos of cute little one level houses and look forward to downsizing one day.
@rosered55 , I don’t know anything about property division in divorces, but couldn’t a judge require your ex to turn over an equivalent amount of his retirement assets immediately upon dissolution of the marriage if he kept the house? I understand it would be a bad idea to have to wait on an ex to sell a house. When one of my brothers divorced, he took out a HELOC to pay his ex for her share of their home. Could that be a possibility? Another brother refinanced his house, took cash out and paid his ex for her share. Whether he disclosed his intent to the lender, or said he was remodeling, I have no idea. The first brother also borrowed from our parents to buy out his ex’s share of some land on which they’d intended to build a vacation/retirement home.