<p>I am the OP! D will be a college senior this year. The spoken about BF and D broke up Christmas vacation 2008 - so half way into sophomore year. Break up was somewhat initiated by D who just saw the distance between them and became more aware/affected by BF’s “faults”. Interesting also with the timing of this thread because D has had NO contact with this BF the last year in a half - his choice - but she saw him for the first time this past weekend and he called her the next day. Weird. It was interesting to see D who was so “head over heels” at one time look at me and say “Mom. No worries. I can talk to him for a few minutes but have no interest in anything more - I’m certain of that”. </p>
<p>Now, in steps S - child #2 - who will be starting college this fall. He has a girlfriend of about 7 months who he is very, very taken with. He will be going to a school about 3 hours from home, she going to a school 30 minutes from home. Neither has a car. Same old, same old! I AM worried about him adjusting to being away from her - he sees her often and is very attached. Maybe it is good for me to see this thread and know that I need to just sit back and see what falls.</p>
<p>I have friends dealing with the same. My vote is for zipping too. I would take advantage of the opportunity and do some really special things before she leaves for college that aren’t college focused per se. Shopping, pedi’s, museums, a beach day :)</p>
<p>I partially agree with zip it. I think you can say something, not too much, but a little.
My D and her BF of one year, are going away to college this fall. They will be really far away from home but only 3 hours apart from each other. They decided to keep the relationship. He is a nice boy and treats her well. She is attending a really hard academic school and playing varsity sports. He is also going to play varsity sports at his college. I would like her to embrace her college experience, to make new friends, get involved. We were concerned that due to the BF, she would not be fully engaged on her college life, and if they end up breaking up, she would have to start from zero at her college. We were so concerned that we decided to talk to her and the conversation between us and her was more or less like this: “Hey, you know we like your “bf” a lot, and we think you guys make a really cute couple, but we wanted to share some thoughts with you if this is Ok with you.” I paused, and she said, “yep go ahead”. “We would love to see you taking full advantage of your college life, socially and academically. We trust that you will be able to manage your time, and continue to have great grades, play your sport and create an amazing social circle around you, and to make friends that will last a lifetime. But we also know how hard it is to be away from someone we love. So we just wanted to ask you to be caution with your time management in order for you to really be opened for new experiences, activities, friendships, academic and research opportunities at your college. That is all we wanted to say to you.” For our surprise, she said: “Yep, I know, I am thinking how to manage this. Do you guys think if we see each other once a month would be too much, like Saturday night to Sunday, once a month?” We almost fell from our chairs, hahahaha. We were so surprised that she asked our opinion! My husband jumped in immediately , being really positive and said, “I think it is a great plan, and it wont interfere with your college life too much, we trust you will figure this out”. Well, at least we know that she knows our expectations. And we know that deep inside she will consider our thoughts. We will see what happens in the fall. My point is, we as parents, need to convey our thoughts to our kids. They will somehow listen, in my opinion.</p>
<p>@abasket WOW, what a coincidence! You have a smart girl! </p>
<p>At the end, things will fall into place, I guess. I just want my D to enjoy the amazing college she got in, and worked so, so hard to be accepted. I hope she does. The BF situation, I know it will work it out by itself.</p>
<p>A friend of mine made a good point about the boyfriend/college dilemma. If your child goes off to college while he or she still has a relationship with someone, it might be a blessing in the sense that it gives them an excuse to not get too involved too quickly with guys. Using the “I’ve got a boyfriend at home” excuse might be helpful in allowing them to stay clear of behavior that they are not ready for. Most of these high school relationships will end by Thanksgiving but having a boyfriend or girlfriend from home is a good way to transition into college life a little at a time.</p>
<p>I just want to bump up this thread to see how is it going for the kids who are in college still dating their high school boyfriend/girlfriend. Mine is still dating her boyfriend. They are both really far away from home but around 2 hours from each other. They are seeing each other every 4 weeks due to academics and sports. I can’t complain about that, and she is also getting involved on campus. So I am trying to keep myself quite and sit back and just see how it will end up. Any updates from you guys?</p>
<p>S2 and GF (have been together nearly three years) are at separate colleges, six hours apart. They seem to be handling the distance well, Skype and IM daily, work, and have extracurricular activities they enjoy. She is heading to Boston to see S2 and other friends on her fall break; he is going to see her for their anniversary.</p>
<p>GF seems less happy with her school than S2, but it’s engineering…misery seems to be part of the package. She is making sincere efforts to join study groups, have time to socialize, etc. I was delighted to get my first email from her yesterday.</p>
<p>They were both accepted at three of the same schools but chose what was best for each of them. I don’t know what the future holds, but they spent a lot of time discussing the need for each to have friends and social lives on campus, and are willing to make a serious go of this. No matter what happens, they have both had the experience of a loving, committed relationship that has shaped what they want in the future.</p>
<p>DD dated her BF in her senior year of HS, he was already in college about an hour away. She then left for university about 900 miles (and very complicated travel plans) away. They each visited the other each term and connected over Christmas and summer.</p>
<p>I think they were a good fit and a good support for each other. After graduation, they managed to each get jobs in the same city; within 2 weeks of her arrival, they broke up! By 4 months later they were good friends and socialised together.</p>
<p>It was a good supportive relationship and it allowed them each to be well connected on campus and not stuck to a BF/GF’s side 24/7 like so many people do. And they were not close enough to connect on weekends.</p>
<p>Not sure why it worked so well long distance and did not in person, they have known each other for 10 years and are still quite friendly.</p>
<p>In most of these BF/GF situations, put yourself in their shoes when it was you and your first love. Did you give a fig what your Mom thought or how annoying your parents thought you and he were together? If you did then you were in a VERY small minority, I can assure you. </p>
<p>Zip it and let the chips fall where they may. Easiest way to ensure they keep things going is to interfere in an attempt to alter the relationship.</p>
<p>@countingdown Great that they are willing to make new friends on campus and also socialize. That is all you can ask besides academics which I think it is not an issue. Good luck to them.</p>
<p>Probably always true, but CountingDown’s involvement (post #68) sounds fruitful - either gaining a great daughter in law or a daughter, sounds good to me.</p>
<p>It’s S2 and GF who are calling all the shots… I am here if S wants to talk, but they have repeatedly made mature, wise decisions, so at this point I’m on the sidelines. I am proud of both of them.</p>
<p>Sometimes there seems to be so much concern about potential problems with our kids’ relationships that we forget about the good experiences that they have had because of those relationships. Thanks for reminding us.</p>
<p>I think I told our son that I thought that he and the gf should each determine what was best for the individual, then think about what that could mean for the relationship. And I reminded him that a relationship or a choice based on fear, mistrust or jealousy wasn’t healthy.</p>
<p>My D and her BF started going out at the end of senior year, almost at graduation. They spent the summer together seeing each other every day and she left for college 3 weeks before he did. They are 10 hours apart, 6 and 4 away from home in opposite directions. They are still together, and will see each other next weekend (after 52 days appart…they have a countdown on fb) when she’s coming home for break and we both will drive to see him play (athlete), but we will stay a couple of days so they can spend time together.
They keep in touch by texting constantly, some phone calls. Skype sometimes for hours when both are doing hw but are at the same time connected and talk every now and then. The relationship is pretty healthy, they support each other, he calms her down when she is stressed and vice versa. He is sweet, cares about her, adores her and can sit down and have a normal conversation with me.
They are both doing well in school, they find time to socialize, they are both involved in their own activities.
But…when they said goodbye back in august the separation was very tough on both, and soon after planned to see each other again during her break. She says that for both what gets them through the day is thinking that soon they will be together again, even if its for a couple of days. Now there will be another separation, and it might be worse than the first because I suspect they are planning on taking the next step and that will make things more complicated and harder for both. But I decided to stay out of it and not give my opinion on this as long as they are responsible about it.
Provided they stay together, my concern is these high/lows and the effect they have on both: separation-sadness; then expectation of a reunion, plans, countdowns, etc (44 days until Thanksgiving break I was told); then incredible happiness when they are together; then separation again and the cycle begins.
Of course they would like to be at the same college, so they can be together all the time again but they both like their school so no plans for a transfer. That’s not likely anyway because of how different the schools are (academically rigorous LAC for her, State School for him). But I don’t find the separation so terrible in the sense that they have have each other’s support and that they have someone to talk to and yet can have the space to live their own lives and do all that college kids are supposed to (study, learn, grow as a person, get involved, etc).
How can I (or should I) talk to them, or her, and give my support and encouragement while at the same time showing them that their situation has its advantages. It might make it easier for both if they keep in mind what their goal is and concentrate on that instead of agonizing about the separation.</p>
<p>123mom, I suggest that you give them time to figure this out. As you describe them, they sound sensible. This long-distance business is still pretty new. In time they will either find a balance or break up. In your shoes, the most I would do is casually compliment the D on her/their maturity.</p>
<p>My BF and I started dating when we were 16, before junior year of HS. Now 20, sophomores at colleges separated by 10 hour drive (but only a 2 hour flight!). We’re still together, have never broken up, and stronger than ever. We’ve definitely had difficult times (most before winter break freshman year), but I just wanted to say it can happen and sometimes it will work. I don’t recommend a long distance relationship to anyone, its tough and mostly unnatural for a young adult entering a new phase of life. But for those who have a chance, they won’t listen to that advice anyway and just may surprise you.</p>
<p>My mom wasn’t happy at first. His parents definitely weren’t. I’m happy to say they’ve both come around now and are very supportive of the relationship. Nevertheless, his parents said some very hurtful things back and the day and those kind of feelings are hard to forget. Tread carefully around long established relationships, my BF had to make it very clear that he would “side” with me. Don’t make your child pick sides.</p>
<p>Glaceon
Thank you for your input!
Did you experience those highs and lows I described? If you did how did you manage and what advice would you give someone experiencing them? And how often did you see each other?
Thanks again!</p>
<p>123mom: Your D’s situation, and your situation as mom, sounds similar in many respects to what we experienced last year when our D was a freshman. Every case is different, but here’s how it turned out for us.</p>
<p>D’s school was 1500 miles away from the boyfriend’s, so they only got to see each other at major breaks. They spent endless time together on skype and facebook, and they went through those high/low cycles that you describe. Of course, young love always has its ups and downs, but the big problem was that D’s attachment to the distant boyfriend prevented her from settling into her new home at college. She spent all her spare time with him instead of connecting with new friends, and was so miserable without him that she couldn’t see anything good around her. College almost became the enemy, because it was keeping her away from him. </p>
<p>I guess the separation exposed the cracks in the relationship, because they broke up shortly after they both got home for the summer. D sees clearly now how the attachment ruined her freshman year. She has dated a little bit since the breakup, but is determined not to get emotionally involved with anyone who will make it difficult for her to go back to school for spring semester (she’s taking a sabbatical from school this semester). She freely admits that she didn’t give her wonderful college a fair chance last year, and is excited about going back in January.</p>
<p>So what’s a mother to do? Love and listen and be there to pick up the pieces if necessary. Your D may be different, but my D did not appreciate, and did not follow, the unsolicited advice that I gave her. I was forced to let go a little; this was her life and her situation and she had to figure it out for herself. Easy to say, tough to do! </p>
<p>Long distance relationships are rough even for mature adults, much less the inexperienced barely-adults that they are. The highs and lows can take a toll on the most rock-solid relationship, and they are very young and may just get tired of the constant emotional rollercoaster. But that’s not for us as parents to try to help with. IMO the best thing that you can do is just let her know that you love and support HER unconditionally, regardless of what happens with the relationship. I would stay far away from giving them advice about this. They will make their choices, and it either it will work out or it won’t.</p>