How to Get Through Applications Without Screwing Up Parent-Child Relationship?

Parents Forum
21

That’s why it feels so foreign. If you had a kid who always needed coaxing you would be used to this. I was in your shoes. It felt like going from having a self-driving car to using one with a manual transmission.

I found that the things which worked best for DS were things that took pressure off of me!

The thing I did which helped us the most was I got two 3 month at-a-glance dry-erase calendars and posted them in a place where we both would see it every day. On it, I color coded and marked test dates, UC application due dates (our in-state), and application due dates for his other favorite schools. I also noted busy weeks and days like finals and concerts.

If nothing else, it helped me. After a while, I noticed him checking the calendar to figure out how many free weekends he would have for application writing. He started asking me to add due dates for other schools. My big victory came when he started marking things himself like “begin UC application” or “show essay to Mr. Handel for review”.

22

I can’t imagine doing that but every kid is different. The thing, is the next year when they are at college, they will be on their own so this really has to be a training wheels year. They don’t have to ride the bike but it helps if they think they are riding it.

I think the first post in the thread “I need to back off” is very well written.

23

With kid #1, we didn’t do anything except discuss finances.
With kid #2, we bought the Fiske guide and gave it to him. We also suggested colleges that he might like and told him to be more open-minded.

24

Our school’s college counseling office recommended that parents take on the role of administrative assistant and schedule a weekly meeting to review what needed to be done. They also recommended that except for the weekly meeting, there be no other discussion of college. Kids feel pressure from the process alone. Parents shouldn’t pile on (although it is really stressful for us too!)

They also made all seniors schedule a meeting with their CC the first week of school and bring to it drafts of 2 different essays (i.e., 2 prompts). FWIW, DS didn’t move forward with either of these two. And his father really disliked the one he did submit. AND at 2 different accepted student events, he had admissions people come up and tell him that his was one of their favorite essays that year. Which is all to say, the process can take a while and even when it’s done, a parent may not be the best judge of the essay’s impact.

My recommendation would be to hire a CC (not all are insanely expensive) if he needs help developing a list and figuring out how to present himself. It is almost impossible to do this as a parent without having your child think you are aspirational, critical, in need of a life, or worse.

Good luck to you. It sounds like your priorities are right in valuing the relationship most.

25

D1 was on her own and she ended up finishing up her 10+ college apps over the xmas vacation. D2 had a private college counselor. She had her ED application done by Oct 1 and her RD applications ready to go by Dec 1. Her counselor helped with her essay topics, kept her on schedule. Whenever there was any difference of opinion, we consulted with her counselor.

D1 is planning her wedding. This time around, I hired a wedding planner for her. The planner is keeping all of us on track and organized.

Getting a private college counselor may be your answer.

26

I honestly think the college application process is a horrible stressful mess. It shouldn’t be so hard and take so long. I mean it starts in the fall with the PSAT and ends a year and a half later. And we, as parents, play a big part in making it so complicated. I mean, really, does the average kid need to go visit 5-10 schools? Was this really a thing 20 years ago? Does a kid need to apply to 10 (or more) schools? Must they find their dream school that is a “perfect” fit for them? Is there such a thing? Does an essay really have to to be funny, quirky, unique, and practically perfect in every way?

My daughter’s stressfest started at the end of her junior year. She had finals and AP tests to study for and I believe also a SAT exam there in the mix at the same time. She shut down in a big way and I had to push and prod to get her through that period. She so needed a break, and I have read lots of comments where parents say "let your kid relax during the summer before their senior year - they don’t need to even think about essays yet! Well, my kid, had 4 AP classes the next fall and had a ridiculous amount of summer work: several essays, lots of reading material, math problems sets, and 35 drawings for her AP Art class. She loves to draw (see my avatar), but she didn’t even enjoy the art projects under such a pressure cooker environment. She also went on a couple of college visits and attended a couple of sports ID camps. And I insisted that she work on her essays, because I knew once school started, she definitely wouldn’t have time to put much thought into them.

I had a talk with her about that time and told her that we were going to get all her applications in by the earliest date possible (I think November 1) even though some of the deadlines weren’t until January 15 (and yes I helped her with the applications - no I didn’t write her essays - lol, she wouldn’t have gotten accepted at any of her schools if I had). It would have been a disaster to try to keep track of all the individual deadlines for each school and motivate her to deal with applications for an additional three months. I think that approach worked well because she was able to relax for a good while until admission decisions were made.

For a brief period it was fun and exciting waiting for decisions, but then, she started getting contacted by the colleges she applied to asking her to apply for scholarships which always required a supplemental essay and one even required a video. She was invited to attend scholarship weekends. She was invited to attend more sports ID camps. All this during her senior year while she was taking 4 AP’s.

She was so wigged out that she didn’t make her final decision until a week before the May 1st deadline. It was so difficult for her to make a final choice - she was accepted to 8 colleges and narrowed it down easily to 3 or 4 but she was really hesitant about making such an important decision. But after she finally made it, did she have time to relax? No. After all that time and hard work, right when a kid thinks they can breath a sigh of relief, it’s time to graduate and that is a very stressful and sad time saying goodbye to friends, classmates, and teachers.

Then a couple of weeks after she graduated she started getting emails telling her of all the additional hoops she had to jump through now that she was admitted: orientation, filling out more forms, getting a physical, registering for classes, buying all the things that are required for college, etc. (and please find a summer job admitted student because we, the school, assumed in our financial aid calculation that you should be able to earn $2,500 during the summer). Ha! that’s about as reasonable as their full pay tuition - she’ll be lucky if she has $1000 in her bank account by the end of the summer due to her flaky employer who promised her way more hours than she got.

Anyway @gclsports, I agree with all the other parents who said they were the college application manager for their child. I think that the overwhelming majority of kids need an adult to take charge and assist them with the process. My child would have been lost without me doing all the administrative work along the way. I did some things that added to her stress, but I honestly don’t think she would have followed through on her own if I hadn’t pushed her. I also did a lot of things that made things much much easier for her so I guess things evened out in the end. I read on CC all the time that: “kids need to take ownership of the process”: "kids need to be the ones who select their list of schools and make the final decision; “a kid who can’t manage the process on their own initiative should maybe take a gap year or consider community college, because obviously they’re not mature enough to go to a 4 year school”, “my kid waited until two weeks before the application deadline and got into a prestigious college.”…

IMO the kids who can wait until the week before the application is due and still get into a tippy top school are the very few extremely bright and motivated kids that have what it takes to get into tippy top schools and the other 95% of college applicants are going to find the process a long, hard, and stressful undertaking.

The pressure on our kids is intense and the ones who are balking are probably the ones with the most common sense - they realize what a ridiculous game this is.

Obviously this is a rant, but I hope it has given you some insight into what you still have in store for you and help you figure out how to preserve your relationship with your son during this journey. My daughter and I went through some rocky times along the way, but now that she will be leaving in three weeks, she has been surprisingly pleasant to be around lately and has told me several times how much she will miss us. I have another daughter who will be starting the process this year as a high school junior and I will definitely be doing things differently with her. I will: 1) Not go on so many college visits 2) Not allow her to apply to so many schools, it is not worth the time and effort, 3) Thoughtfully consider the schools that she does apply to, making sure that I would be comfortable with her attending each and every one on the list (My oldest had too many reaches - 4, four of her schools were too far away - I wouldn’t have let her attend if she had chosen any of them, and three of her safeties were very small schools with a very limited number of majors, and in the end, I didn’t let her choose one of them even though they offered her a full tuition scholarship). We could have saved so much time and money and reduced the family stress levels just by being realistic and more thoughtful about her school choices. One thing that caught me by surprise was the vast amount of websites, usernames, passwords, and emails that we had to keep track of and deal with during the past year and a half. ACT and SAT, FAFSA, CSS profile, and each and every school had their own student portal that you had to use for the process and to view the admission decisions and financial aid and scholarship awards. Probably half of them were extremely frustrating to use (Yes, college named after a US president, I’m talking to you!). So, for that reason alone, I would have capped the number of schools at 5-7.

Sorry for the length, but wow, that was cathartic for me! I hope it helped you in some little way.

27

It is probably mostly a thing, then and now, for college-bound students not satisfied with the common destinations of the local community college, a nearby state university, or (for better students) the state flagship. Such students and parents of such students are presumably overrepresented on these forums compared to the general population.

But higher list prices (including in-state public list prices) may be increasing stress levels, since they put more students and parents in the position of needing financial aid and/or scholarships to afford colleges. Most information that can help determine reach/match/safety pertains to admissions; competitive merit scholarships are much less transparent in this respect. Need-based financial aid before net price calculators was also much less transparent; even with net price calculators, some colleges use less accurate ones that give worse estimates and/or cover fewer possible situations.

28

@usbalumnus So are you saying that kids are applying to more schools because of the rising cost of schools and the schools not being transparent about what need based aid and merit aid might be available or offered? Or that you have to apply to get an idea of what amount of aid might be offered? Sorry if I’m being obtuse.

29

This is the one area (essays) where I would have hired an outside essay advisor if my kids weren’t willing to work with me. I offered both the choice; both turned it down and worked with me as their editor. But if that is a big point of friction, I’d consider it. It will pay off if he gets into a program that gives great aid.

One thing that helped us when they were doing essays (especially with D2) was that we worked almost exclusively via email, even when we were in the house together. I’d send her a reminder of when a draft of a given essay was due. She’d send a draft. I’d make a few comments – things I liked, things that didn’t, hints at possible directions, etc. We would go back and forth, with typo/spelling/etc waiting til the end. The main idea was to get her to write something with solid content and flow. At the end I’d tell her how many mechanical mistakes I saw (but not flag them directly) and make her hunt for them and return it. :slight_smile:

Sometimes it was painful – I’d get emails from her with titles like “99th Level of Essay H***” or “Torturous Draft #8834” or “Worst XX Essay Ever”. But we kept plugging away, and she ended up with really good essays that reflected her personality a lot. We only met in person a couple of times to discuss them when she was blocked and couldn’t come up with any ideas. We’d have a “No Idea Is Stupid” session and throw out thoughts on what might fit the prompt until she came up with something she liked. One great thing about the “mostly email” approach was that neither of us could see the other one roll their eyes. So that moment when he was watching your face while you read it – we skipped that, and that worked best for us. Same for me seeing her reaction to my comments.

I was pretty firm about deadlines at least for drafts. It isn’t just the Common App essay – often there are supplemental essays for the schools, and there may be scholarship essays as well. Some of the supplemental essays are super meaty topics, too (my kid mulled over her UChicago specific essays for a few weeks, and changed topics once when she couldn’t get traction with the first one she picked). But given how much college costs, my kids just knew I wasn’t messing around on this – if they expected me to pay, they had to step up to their responsibilities.

You might remind your kid of a few things about the essays – here is a thread with some tips (mine, just don’t want to retype). http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/2003258-essay-tips-to-consider.html#latest I think it feels so weighty to a kid when they think about the prompts directly. Sometimes it is better to just try to figure out what is unique or interesting about yourself, then figure out how to use that in the essay.

So… I’d tell him pretty firmly that he either has to work with you or you will be finding someone outside and paying for their help. And sit down with him to work out a list of ALL the essays that have to be written, and set target dates for drafts a month before they are due, and final versions 2 weeks ahead. Gives a bit of leeway if needed. Also, the Common App has been known to crash in the last day or two before lots of apps are due, so submitting a few days early is always good.

30

Some people may apply to more schools because they are seeking scholarships, where there is little transparency (other than automatic-for-stats ones).

While net price calculators have made financial aid more transparent for many people with respect to many colleges, some people with less common financial situations may still find need-based financial aid not to be transparent, so they may apply to more schools hoping for better need-based financial aid. It is still more stressful for some than when prices were lower, and more people knew that the list price was affordable.

31

@ucbalumnus Well that makes perfect sense, because that had a lot to do with why my daughter applied to so many schools - we did have some special financial circumstances which made us unsure of the FA that we might have been offered. And we did get some surprising and good results. But we still should have been more thoughtful about what schools we recommended that she apply to. It’s hard to envision how you might feel about your child attending a certain school until they are actually given the opportunity to do that, and reality hits and you see the negatives of the situation more clearly.

32

It’s not even August yet. Calm down a little, hard as that may be. You want him to start concentrating on college applications when he just may be processing, and trying to enjoy, that he is going to be a senior! That is both terrifying and exciting. Let him enjoy his senior year just a little. As you can see from the other comments, most seniors, even the most dedicated ones, do not focus on college apps this early. In August, my D, who is a rising senior at Yale, was more interested in what she was going to wear for senior run in day (the first day of school) than anything else. When he gets to school and sees that everyone else is doing apps, when the reality of being back in school and decisions need to be made kicks in, he’ll buckle down. My kid finished hers and finally got in school SCEA. One and done by December.

I do strongly suggest that you take the reigns of the administrative side of apps. I have never been a fan of kids filling out financial aid forms, FAFSA, etc. Since you are ultimately the person that is paying, you are in the best position to do that part. Don’t be one of those parents who end up having a crazy family contribution because their kid was clueless about the intricacies of financial forms. Some of them make federal income tax forms look like child’s play.

On another note, it doesn’t get better as they get older. My D is procrastinating on completing post grad fellowship applications, law school and grad school apps for next year. Though my role now is to just be a spectator and to listen to her commiserate, it’s a little like deja vu. I know she’ll focus once she gets back on campus.

Good luck. Sounds like you have a great kid. You are blessed. He will be fine.

33

I think parents absolutely should do everything related to financial aid.

People make too much of the essay. Colleges know how much coaching is going on, and the essays have diminished in importance. A really bad one can sometimes hurt, and an extraordinary one can sometimes help. But honestly, I know kids who wrote horrible, awful essays and still got in to their top choice. (As a side note, efforts to write a “unique” essay result in the worst writing.)

My kids finished their essays at the last minute because they were too busy with the activities that did in fact get them in to schools. And one of mine was dealing with serious health problems along with everything else. It gave us some perspective on what is important.

Keep the number of schools down. Visit and research and make those choices count in the beginning rather than choosing at the end of the process. It is fine to apply to even just two schools, and I think 6 should be the limit. This actually eliminates the need for so much parental management and spreadsheets etc.

School and home environments are both contributing to stress. It does not have to be that way.

34

One thing that stood out to me was that you said when your son talks about his essay, it sounds better than what he’s actually written. This sounds like my son. I always joked that the creative writing process flowed from his head, but it couldn’t flow from his head to his hand. If your son is good at telling stories orally, record him. Then have him type it up. (Or I guess you could take dictation from him and type as he speaks) This method worked wonders for my son for any creative writing assignments, and even sometimes for when he’s struggled to get the right words on paper for a history essay. He finds it much easier to say the words, than type them.

We used a spreadsheet and calendar for D’s applications which became helpful as she really didn’t start the process until October. Let’s just say she seemed to work better under pressure - her CA prompt essay written in junior English was trashed in October for a completely new topic; the “why this college” essay for her ED app was completely re-written starting at 4pm on application deadline day, and most apps were finished up the day of the deadline. We survived and you will too.

35

The first college trip I took my younger son on, I told him we were going to see two schools that were within an easy drive of us. I was pretty sure he’d dislike one (too small, too rural), but it also had things I liked about it and that he might want to consider when he was looking at other colleges. The other one was barely too small and he ended up almost applying ED, though in the final analysis it was actually his least favorite of the places he applied to. (Or at least the one he got into.) I made it quite clear he didn’t have to apply to either college, the idea for the first trip was to get an idea of the variety that was out there. I don’t think they felt I was either over or underestimating their abilities.

40+ years ago I visited four colleges. All my classmates (one of the top girls boarding school at the time) did visits. I only applied to three - that’s definitely a big difference there.

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@TiggerDad The problem is when missed opportunities mean missed scholarships or missed chances to reduce cost for college.

37

@bopper - Yes, AND those are what I meant by consequences. When my son was getting ready with college applications, I made sure that he understood how much we can afford, where the money is coming from, and what the expectations are when the cost exceeds our resources. I also made sure he perfectly understood that he’s the one who’s going to college, not me, and that he needs to take ownership of the process with one exception: FAFSA and other FA applications.

Someone characterized what I meant as the “hammer home consequences” type, but it wasn’t. At the time he was stressed out just like everyone else with the whole daunting process of applying to multiple colleges, and the last thing he needed was a drill sergeant type enforcer breathing down his neck. Fortunately, he was quite motivated about where he wanted to go for college and didn’t require repeated reminders about the deadlines. His older brother, on the other hand, was not motivated and did not want to put much effort into the process. I did not intervene and stayed away from the process for the most part, not even a help reading his essays. In fact, to this day I still don’t know what he wrote in his essays. He’s now happily attending our in-state public school, and I’m happy as a parent, too.

As a parent, I feel it’s my duty to guide my kids to the best capabilities, but once I feel my duty has been thoroughly executed, they need to then take on the ownership of their own decisions and actions. There’s nothing wrong with going to a community college, which I happen to believe was the greatest educational genius creation ever conceived. As a first-generation immigrant teen knowing not a word of English, it was a local community college that gave me the necessary wings to fly into higher realms of opportunities. Would anyone believe if I claim that I had received much better quality education at that community college than the ensuing degrees at Cal-Berkeley and Harvard combined?

38

I didn’t read every word of this thread, but I did at least skim all the responses. Unless I skimmed too quickly…nobody has raised this issue. Are you confident that you really know what a good college essay IS? Most parents don’t. Truth. Very few of us have spent a lot of time reading essays written by kids of 16-18.

I used to have a work colleague who is an excellent attorney. She writes wonderful briefs. She edited her super star daughter’s essays. AFTER they were all mailed off, she told me about her experience and mentioned some of the phrases she had changed.

I said nothing, but thought OMG, she made this kid sound like she’s 40 years old!!! The words her mom changed were the words a smart, intelligent girl of 16 would use. The words they were replaced with?–not words a high school kid would use.

Now, of course, it’s possible the OP’s S’s essay really wasn’t all that good. But it’s also possible it’s an essay that is a really good essay for someone who is age 17…but a not so good essay when viewed by someone 55.

Take a look at this book. https://www.amazon.com/50-Successful-Harvard-Application-Essays/dp/1250127556/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=Q7ZWJ94Z2NXJK4C8CK45 I really recommend the earlier editions, which may be available at your library. What struck me when I read it? Many of these weren’t all that well-written.

Your S’s essay may be better than you think.

39

I think the most important element is authenticity (and likeability) which adults tend to tamper with if they come within a few feet of an essay.

40

Few suggestions.

  1. spreadsheets or a planner with all the deadlines written in.
  2. create a new email account that you both have access to just for the college application process so that all the college communications go to this one email account.
  3. keep a bottle of wine around for yourself
  4. have him clean up his social media accounts and check the privacy settings.
  5. make a list of all the logins and passwords for the different online things he has access to for the application process.