<p>“I am in the “don’t walk alone at night” crowd.”</p>
<p>For many people, including me, not walking alone at night would restrict our social lives greatly. </p>
<p>Taking a self defense class makes sense. Learning safety precautions like parking and walking in well lit areas and not walking with headphones on, are important. </p>
<p>Carrying a handgun? Even if a woman were carrying a handgun in her hand, which I think wouldn’t be legal, she still could be attacked and the gun could be used against her. Having a handgun in her purse wouldn’t help because if attacked, she wouldn’t be able to get it out. If robbed, the robber might use it against her.</p>
<p>Walking with friends at night always makes sense. Self defense classes also make sense. You might also get her a whistle for her key chain as an alarm system. They have to grow up sometime.</p>
<p>The whistle, I remember the whistle. When my daughter was a freshman in high school I insisted she carry a whistle for her walk home in the dark. She didn’t really appreciate the sentiment, and never needed the whistle.</p>
<p>In college, if she is walking home from the library or class alone in the dark they were taught (Orientation? Sorority meeting? I’m not sure where) to call someone, pretty much anyone, and talk while you are walking. The person on the other end of the phone acts as a witness, so it tends to dissuade attackers. This means occasionally she even calls me. Bonus!!!</p>
<p>As a parent I’m afraid I failed miserably in instilling fear in my girls. Though to be fair, my parents also failed miserably. I walk in the dark myself. Sometimes just to clear my head.</p>
<p>I bet there are probably some recent crime reports of incidents that took place in that same parking garage or others nearby she should probably read. I’ve made it a point to start walking visiting friends to the parking garage and getting them to drop me back at my building afterward, after noticing reports in the paper about a giant brawl in one parking garage and a robbery resulting in a broken jaw and missing teeth in another. Better to have the childhood invincibility complex broken by observing the experiences of others than having them yourself.</p>
<p>“In college, if she is walking home from the library or class alone in the dark they were taught (Orientation? Sorority meeting? I’m not sure where) to call someone, pretty much anyone, and talk while you are walking. The person on the other end of the phone acts as a witness, so it tends to dissuade attackers. This means occasionally she even calls me. Bonus!!!”</p>
<p>We were told the exact opposite because it makes it look like you aren’t paying attention, making you a prime target.</p>
<p>From a female college student’s POV…I spent this past summer living and working in an urban downtown area, and while the thought of something happening was there every now and then, I didn’t think about it much. </p>
<p>When I drove to work (usually because I’d get off work after the metro train stopped running), I made a 5-block walk to the parking garage by myself. It was pretty well lit and the bars were still open, where I had to walk past 2 or 3 of them. Sometimes the bars had just closed and people were filtering out–but there also seemed to be a higher police presence at those times.</p>
<p>When I took the metro train, I had a 4-block walk from a station under construction, near a hospital complex, to my apartment. It was a bit of a “nicer” neighborhood but there were some shady spots nearby. </p>
<p>I’ve never taken a self-defense class, but I did grow up in a military family so I guess I’ve sort of picked up on stuff over the years. I don’t listen to my iPod when walking alone at night, sometimes I call people, but usually I just keep my eyes and ears open for anything and everything. When I knew I’d be out alone after dark, I kept only my key, license, and small amount (<$20) cash on me. No sense carrying my military dependent ID card, debit card, credit card, lots of cash, iPod, etc. on me when I don’t need them. I only took my license in case I wanted to go out w/ friends after work and/or if (God forbid) something happen, there would be ID. --And kept these things (key, ID, cash) in front pant pocket, and usually walked with my hands in my pockets. </p>
<p>**In hindsight, I guess I was thinking about it…but on a subconscious level. I wasn’t actively paranoid, but smart. If I was the OP’s daughter and familiar with the area like she seems to be, I probably would’ve done the same thing and said I’d be okay to walk to my car by myself.</p>
<p>I just asked my soon-to-be 17 year old daughter if she would insist on walking back to the parking garage at night by herself and she looked at me like I was crazy. Her response was “at night, by myself, I’m a girl and I don’t want to get raped or killed”. She said growing up in a house with a former cop (my previous life) taught her to have more sense about this type of stuff. </p>
<p>Anyway, talk with your daughter in a non-patronizing way and find a self-defense class. My daughter and I are going to a seminar in December and will hopefully find out about additional classes for her to take. </p>
<p>In the meantime, coach her to always have her car keys in her hand before leaving a store and walking to her car - day or night. As gross as it sounds, tell her to go for the eyes first. Trying to kick someone in the groin (assuming the attacker is a male) doesn’t always work - he could grab your foot and flip you over. Kneeing him if up close might help but not always for a variety of reasons. Poke an eye out, now that will stop him or her.</p>
<p>What cracks me up is the daughters I know who call their moms on their cell phones when walking across campus at night. Mom is 30 - or 100 - or more- miles away! What is she supposed to do if someone attacks you? By the time she hangs up, calls her local 911 and asks to be connected to your college town’s 911… plus you’re lowering your awareness of the environment around you when you’re on a cell phone! You may FEEL like you’re not alone, but you’re not doing anything to make yourselves safer, girls - you’re making yourself MORE vulnerable.</p>
<p>A few comments about the handgun and mace ideas. The handgun is a bad idea. Besides the legal issues of concealment depending on the community one lives in, a lot of time women will get a gun but never learn to use it. Unless one is thoroughly trained to shoot someone with the intent of killing them (you don’t shoot someone to injure them) they will probably pause and that pause can easily enable the attacker to get the gun. Unless a person is a sicko or “temporarily insane” they will usually hesitate before attempting to take someone’s life. A lot of training must be completed to to react quickly in this type of situation.</p>
<p>As with Mace, make sure you don’t spray into the wind or you will be sprayed. Also, some persons are not greatly affected by mace and it may only make them more angry.</p>
<p>A buddy system, walking with your head confidently up (not looking down), paying attention to everything going on around you and staying in well-populated and well-lit areas will really help minimize your chances of being attacked. Unless a woman has been specifically targeted, most crimes of this type are crimes of opportunity. Think about the lion attacking the gazelle limping at the back of the herd instead of the strong ones up front.</p>
<p>My friends and I always drive each other to our cars when we’re out during the day or at night. That’s just a safety precaution. Yes, sometimes a woman is alone and must walk alone, but why take risks that aren’t needed? When you’re with another person, make sure the person gets safely to his/her car. </p>
<p>I could never live with the guilt if I didn’t make sure a friend got safely to his/her car, and that person was attacked, mugged, abducted.</p>
<p>That’s something my parents taught us when we were teens, and I continue it now (and taught it to my kids). My parents also taught us that when we drop a friend off at their home, to make sure that they get inside their home (don’t drive away until you know they’re safely inside). IF their front door isn’t visible from the street, then the person would blink a light inside their home once they’re inside, so we’d know they got in safely. </p>
<p>And, I’ve always lived in safe areas. </p>
<p>People in safe areas are also victims of foul play. Why not eliminate or lower as many risks as you can?</p>
<p>as per Homer Bannon (played by Melvyn Douglas) in the movie “Hud”: “young women just want to feel dangerous sometimes.”</p>
<p>put another way, as per Carlos (friend from Nicaragua): “american girls want to drink whiskey and suck milk at the same time.” </p>
<p>proud_mom should be very proud of her daughter - she has more sense than a lot of the moms who posted on this so far. there’s a lot of trouble out there, and the smartest thing a girl can do is avoid it. self-defense courses are fine if their main point is to do whatever you can to avoid a fight in the first place. if a guy is seriously after a woman, she is going to lose in any physical encounter. believe it. but in effort to offer proactive rules:</p>
<p>avoid being: alone, in the wrong place, at the wrong time
be aware of what’s going on around you at all times (aka street-smart)
don’t act like a victim
don’t invite trouble - it’ll find you for sure</p>
<p>Situational awareness: be engaged with your surroundings, observant of who/what/where is going on around you. </p>
<p>Alert & vigilant broadcasts a much different target profile than self-absorbed in one’s iPod, purse and/or looking nervous/scared.</p>
<p>Never be afraid to turn around, never be afraid to whip out the cell phone, flag down a passing car if you think you’re in jeopardy (or at least more jeopardy than the passing car would put you in), etc.</p>
<p>Prudence is one thing, living captive to fear is another…one’s life can be awfully circumscribed by too much caution.</p>
<p>My D lives in DC and only a couple of times have I demurred after the fact when she described a late hours transport, e.g., taking a bus/subway instead of a cab or grabbing a ride from an acquaintance. But I’ve also had to learn to trust her judgment, which I after all helped develop.</p>
<p>When she was about 4 years old, we were about to cross a street and she said, “DAD! There’s a car coming!” I looked and sure enough, about a block and a half away, there was. A teachable moment about evaluating risk. (Otoh, let’s not talk about the time when learning to drive she turned left in front of not one, not two, but three oncoming cars. “Dad…I didn’t see them.” Oy vey.)</p>
<p>I’d be more concerned about D’s getting raped by an acquaintance than assaulted by someone while walking at night. So many young women don’t know to avoid drinking from punch bowls, to not accept drinks from other people, and to avoid being in party situations in which they are the only female. They don’t realize that when drunk, a woman may be a target for some unscrupulous men.</p>
<p>I know many women – including current college students-- who have been date raped. I know one woman who was physically assaulted at night. She got lost while driving alone on a long trip in Ohio, ended up in a rough neighborhood at night, stopped at a light and was dragged from her car and beaten.</p>
<p>I’ve walked alone at night in many cities including currently and when I was a college student. These include cities like NYC and D.C. Nothing has ever happened to me. If I didn’t walk alone, there are many times – including currently – in which I wouldn’t be going out.</p>
<p>I walk with confidence, head up, no headphones, avoiding parking in dark areas, and taking shortcuts through such places.</p>
<p>While we’re on the subject of women and danger, it’s important for women of any age – including middle aged women like us – to be very careful in malls and similar places at night. I very seldom grocery shop at night because women can be assaulted in such lots. It’s easy to overcome a woman who’s distracted with packages, etc.</p>
<p>I broke my own rule last week, and was startled when as I was outside of my car locking the door, a man came up and asked for money so he could buy food. He didn’t hurt me or rob me, but I was scared to see how easy it was for someone to sneak up on me.</p>
<p>^
I had a friend who worked 2nd shift at a hospital as a nurse. She went grocery shopping after she got off work at around 1 am and was assaulted in the parking lot. It was a well lit lot (Kroger’s), there was just hardly anyone around. He waited until she was loading her packages in the car and then attacked from behind. She was beat up pretty badly and robbed but fortunately lived. They never caught the guy.</p>
<p>Not sure if OP’s D is being unsafe or not. If the 2-3 blocks back to the garage were well populated, then I find her attitude fairly normal (though not so normal that she wouldn’t accept a ride when it was given to her! That’s a little over the top).</p>
<p>Basically, though, OP’s daughter is an adult, for better or for worse, and decisions about how she handles her personal safety will be made on her own at this point. </p>
<p>All you can do is tell her the common sense tips - don’t walk alone (if you can avoid it - and usually I can, either by asking friends to walk me to my car or the metro stop, or by biking), have your keys ready, don’t invite trouble (don’t short cuts through alleys and step up your awareness in risky areas, etc.), don’t carry too much cash on you, etc. Also I keep up with the crime alerts on campus and since we get about 2-3 a week dealing with muggings it certainly makes me more aware. Besides that, what can you do? You can’t force her to be safe…not at this age anyway.</p>
<p>I remember when I was younger my parents wouldn’t let me order pizza or ride the bus…and I always told them, what happens when I’m living alone? I can never get delivery?! I can’t take public transport? Well, now I think that they probably just thought I was too young/naive then to recognize any warning signs/if something was off, since they don’t seem to tell me not to order pizza or take the bus in college But perhaps them being overprotective DID instill in me some sense of awareness and caution, at least.</p>
<p>I have to agree with Northstarmom that a girl is more likely to be attacked by someone she knows than a stranger. Before I went to college, many years ago, my older brother warned me to be careful about what I did and what I ingested at parties. Don’t eat the fruit in the fruit bowls because the fruit is doused in alcohol (drunk girls are easier), always go with friends and leave with them, don’t go anywhere alone with some guy you met. He was very blunt about the predatory behavior or many college males, not all, but a lot of them. I was fortunate to have grown up with two older brothers, a lot of self-confidence and a suspicious nature (thanks dad) to keep myself out of trouble and I started dating my husband freshman year and he is big. He took care of me and I was always safe with him.</p>
<p>Anyway, I have added to my brother’s advice that my daughter always carry her drink in a water bottle with a screw-on cap and never, never put it down or let it out of site. The stuff that happens now-a-days is way scarier than what went on when I was in college.</p>
<p>I had a friend who was date-raped but refused to report the guy because “maybe I didn’t say no loud enough”, etc. It was heartbreaking, but frustrating for me and her other friends. This was someone she trusted; there isn’t really any healthy way for a woman to NEVER be alone with someone she trusts . . . so date rape is a very real risk (and much more common than stranger-rape.) And it’s not always the casual acquaintances, sometimes it can be someone you’ve known for years. I know someone else who was violently raped by her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day because she had a headache and didn’t want to have sex.</p>
<p>Parents, emphasize to your sons that NO MEANS NO. It doesn’t mean, “If I keep going she’ll start liking it” or “she’s just saying that so she won’t seem like a slut.” IT MEANS NO. STOP, DO NOT PASS GO. Even if she was “giving you the green light” earlier or flirting with you the whole night . . . stop if she says no. </p>
<p>Parents, remind your daughters that they have the right to stop a sexual encounter at any time. Even if her clothes is already off, if she’s drunk, if she’s been flirting with the guy, if she said she would. If she decides she doesn’t want to have sex, 1. say no, say it loudly if possible, but in any case say no and 2. if he doesn’t stop, it is rape. Even if he’s “such a good friend”, “such a great guy”, “would never hurt me on purpose”, “maybe it was my fault for being too [drunk/flirty/forward/misreading his signals.]” Even if “he bought me dinner and it was really expensive.” Even if he is your boyfriend. And if someone does date-rape you, REPORT IT. Even if it’s not provable (and unfortunately it can be hard to prove), it will leave a paper trail that the cops can look out when he pulls the same thing on the next girl.</p>
<p>Edit: One further tip that applies to all rapes . . . DO NOT TAKE A SHOWER AFTERWARDS. The first instinct is to take a shower and wash away the dirty feeling. Unfortunately, that also washes away evidence. Do not take a shower and get tested with a rape kit as soon as possible.</p>
But perhaps them being overprotective DID instill in me some sense of awareness and caution, at least.</p>