@collegemomjam Your middle D sounds a lot like my D (only). Also valedictorian, and I can also count on one hand the number of nights in high school she was up to midnight.
Her steps to less-stress success (for her):
- took practice SAT and ACT and chose which one she liked the best (ACT). Took a low-cost prep course at school, bought a prep book or two, took the test. Had to weigh whether to take it again. In order to have her score go up one full point, she'd have to find 4 points somewhere among the four sections. We told her that if she was able to do more prep than she did initially, it would be worth it. She didn't think she could and keep all the other balls in the air, so she stuck with that score. Absolutely no regrets.
- used the perfect 4.0 (uw) as a motivator. Every kid is different - being a valedictorian was a big carrot for her (1 of 4 in her graduating class). And, yes, she would come home and start working on homework immediately. I think having this goal forced her to develop prioritization and study skills that she may not necessarily have developed otherwise.
- didn't overload herself on AP classes. She took what interested her (2 each of English, math and science), and blocked out the chatter and hype about taking more. The emphasis was always on keeping the GPA up.
- worked on her essays off and on for months (applied to public and private, so a fair amount of work). Decided when good was good enough.
- did EC's that SHE wanted to do, vs. what would look good on a college resume: 2 sports, mock trial, part-time work, multimedia art contests.
- recognized that she does not do well without enough sleep. Some kids see it as a badge of honor to be up at all hours; she would rather just get the work done and get 8 hours of shuteye.
What also helped with the stress was that D didn’t have her heart set on one particular school, and her list of colleges was a decent mix of safeties, matches, and reaches. She was happy where she got in, not crushed about where she didn’t, and just finished up a very successful freshman year at Cal. BTW, wait listed at U of Chicago. Classmate right behind her is actually going to U of C in the fall - took 10 or 12 AP’s, valedictorian, and is absolutely burned out right now.