<p>We have a midnight curfew for D, who is 18 and just graduated, but she can stay out later if she calls/texts to explain why. It’s simple. H and I need to sleep. I won’t sleep well until she comes home.</p>
<p>Before anyone tells me to grow up and realize that she’s leaving an a few months - I have an older son at college. He had a curfew until he went to college, and we still remind him when he’s home to be considerate of those of us who have to get up in the morning and go to work. He went all over Europe on semester abroad this semester, but when he’s home he needs to be respectful of those of us who live here. That means not being noisy at 1 am. </p>
<p>As for D - the rules are different for boys and girls. They just are. It’s not fair but that’s too bad. I’m more worried about my 115 lb pretty blonde daughter getting stuck beside the road than I am about my 6 foot tall son. When she’s at college I will assume (and hope and pray) that she’s safe on campus. But when she’s home, I need to know that she is coming home at a decent hour.</p>
<p>And as for the “I’m 18 I can do what I want” thing… I remind my kids that is a two-edged sword. Yes you are an adult and can do as you please. AND I am no longer legally responsible for you. I don’t have to pay for your college, or your cell phone, or your clothes… I don’t even have to put a roof over your head. You’re an adult now, that’s correct, but if you wanna live in my house you’ll deal with my reasonable rules. And one of them is that you don’t stay out till all hours and make me worry that something bad has happened to you.</p>
<p>My DDs did not have a set curfew, even in HS, there was a base time they could assume would usually be okay (12 or 1230) but it could be earlier or later depending on circumstances.</p>
<p>We worked out a texting & porch light set up. DD would text whilst out so that I could go to bed and if I awoke would be likely to have a message from her- mainly letting me know where she was if they changed locations. We would leave the porch light on and she would turn it off upon arrival. I can usually see that glow from my window and would know without having to have my sleep disturbed, that she was safely home.</p>
<p>I am behind the curfew parents, we don’t have a set time instead we have a discussion before he leaves, what time do you expect to be home is always asked. He went out for the afternoon yesterday and I wanted to know when he was coming home so I could plan dinner. He said he went to the park with his GF, I assume that is true! I don’t spy on him, I haven’t put GPS on him! I assume the same is true for the parents who require a curfew. It’s just about family preferences and what works for your own piece of mind. Even without a curfew I reserve the right to tell S if I need or want him home, or to attend a fanily event. Lafalum, we have had the same conversation with our son about being 18!</p>
<p>Well, it is comforting to see that we are not the only ones who still think “curfew” even when they turn 18. :)</p>
<p>One of the things S told me when we talked yesterday, that it wasn’t so much the curfew time that upset him, but what he felt was lack of trust. For instance, if he is late I shouldn’t assume he is out doing something wrong. He wants me to trust to make good decisions and since he hasn’t made bad decisions, I should be more trustful. </p>
<p>We also talked about 2 other hangups that are really MY problem:
- When you have a good kid that doesn’t mess up much, you tend to probably blow little things out of proportion - if we had more major mess ups to worry about, the little things would seem like nothing (but GLAD we don’t!!!)</p>
<ol>
<li>S is # 2 out of 3 child. I think my mind is having a little trouble accepting that he is 18, graduated, and a young man. My mind needs to catch up with the date on his driver’s license!</li>
</ol>
<p>:)</p>
<p>To the Op- I won’t pretend to have the best answer for you, but I can tell you what worked very well for our family.
My wife and I both turned 18 many years ago- not a revelation in itself I know. But what many parents now forget is how they were at 18. We didn’t forget. We used the same arguments then that kids use now. When we raised our S we never used “not until you’re 18” line in order to tell a kid no to something. We always said “when you’re a self supporting adult”.
And, when kid was 17 1/2, I sat him down for a talk about upcoming freedoms. He thought I meant his. No. I explained at 18, he could make and be responsible for his own choices. But you know what? His mother and I were past 18 too. We can make our own choices too. The freedom at 18 was OUR freedom, more than his. We were no longer bound by law to provide food, shelter, education, tv, a bedroom, a car, insurance, or a washing machine. After 18, anything we do for him is a gift. Then I made it clear we still wanted to give to him and to help him. But if a good family member were to become a bad houseguest- well, what do we do to bad houseguests? We would not support a bad houseguest that disregarded every expectation we had of him. At 10, a kid can behave most any way, and the parent has to deal with it, and still must provide all the love, support, and care that go into raising a kid. After 18, parent could choose love but not support.<br>
At 18, a kid has only experienced having everything given to him, and that it has always been that way whether he behaved well or badly. That magic “turning 18” means complete freedom for the parent, not just the student. Turning 18 doesn’t mean he can do anything he wants- self-supporting does. Kid(at 18) can choose to come home early or stay out late; but parent(also over 18) can choose to continue to provide free lodging or not.</p>
<p>It’s a bit late now to prepare kid for turning 18, but not too late to explain that turning 18 means freedom for parent. Kid at 18 can choose what he wants to do, but so can parent. Parent no longer has to support kid(at 18) choices.</p>
<p>I also explained to kid that even being 18 doesn’t enable one to make any choice. I’m many years over 18, but can’t stay out to all hours. That would be disrespectful to my wife, and might put my job at risk. I can’t drink and drive. I can’t date 5 women. I can’t play Nintendo until dawn at a buddy’s house, and on and on.
With adulthood comes responsibility. The law might permit me to be out to all hours, but as an adult responsible to my home, job, and family, I must make the right choice or risk losing them.</p>
<p>So funny. Because someone is a teen fitness model, calls themselves extremely good looking and muscular, they know better. They have more experience in the world than “most of you”. Thanks for the laugh.</p>
<p>As a mom of a teen fitness model (jk), we don’t have curfews. I didn’t have them when I was young, and for awhile, we tried to have them with my oldest son, but it was foolish. It seemed he felt the need to stay out late just because we gave him a curfew time. </p>
<p>I also remember reading a newspaper story a few years ago about NY’s new driving laws that forbade new drivers from driving past 9:00pm. The 16 year old, with a license so new the ink hadn’t dried, raced home to meet the curfew. Went 90 mph on a road that has a speed limit of 30mph and caught a telephone pole. That was it for curfews from me!</p>
<p>He’s getting ready to go to college. i don’t see the need for a curfew. Better that he learn responsible behavior under his parents’ roof than when he’s away. He sounds like a good kid. Time to give him some real independence. I ended curfews for my sons graduation week.</p>
<p>^^^ I haven’t found the “perfect” graduation gift for S yet - maybe that should be it - no curfew. :)</p>
<p>I was feeling a little nasty awhile ago. My apologies. Need some chocolate.</p>
<p>We’ve never had a curfew. I ask my son where he’s going and when he expects to be home. If he doesn’t know when he expects to be home, I usually ask him to call around midnight. In the past I’ve asked him to try to come home by midnight on weeknights because I sleep better, but I don’t look at the clock if he’s late. His friends all seem to be on the same page, because I don’t think he’s ever come in after 1 pm and that’s only been on the weekend.</p>