You have a 3.88 UW GPA and that lands you at 85th? They must be giving out some pretty fancy grades at your school.
As for the rest of your post, I can’t tell if you are trolling or not. Your resume is incredible, and as a pro tip, it is a bit insulting to others whose resumes are not as strong to complain about how low your GPA is or how dumb you were for getting it when you have a 3.88 and 1590 SAT. As another pro tip from someone who was spent a lot of my career around tech people, the over the top, faux humility doesn’t play well with technology people. This is an industry where a lot of people are self-taught and went to community college, so they are not going to be overly sympathetic to the plight of someone with your grades and scores.
As for the rest of it, you will likely get into a Top 20 Computer Science program as long as your essays are a little more grounded than this post. Don’t get hung up on rankings in STEM majors, because the undergrad programs are going to cover a lot of the same ground from school to school. Find a school you like that has the courses you want, and make the most of it.