<p>It sounds to me that both your MIL and your niece know precisely how much they are able to bother you and your kids. They enjoy pushing your buttons, and they are obviously succeeding. Stop giving them that satisfaction by accepting that they will not change; be civil (because that is what mature people do) but do not engage in argument about things that are not worth arguing; and if they cannot behave in a minimally civilized way, end the visit.</p>
<p>I think VeryHappy and Artrell offer good advice. Time will tell the final story and setting up boundaries is important. Six times per year with people like this seems way too much.</p>
<p>Good luck. I am sorry for MIL attitude towards your dear husband.</p>
<p>I would think your D might feel supported just to know you are rethinking all of this. Sounds like you are making progress and GOOD for your H who is ready to break through his long-patterned coping strategy (spacing out_) that let him survive in his family all those years.</p>
<p>It’s hard to be a change-agent within an inlaw family, so take it in steps. Meanwhile keep letting your D know she’s not alone and you’re working on reducing the amount of direct contact required of her with the nasty cousin. </p>
<p>As I think through my child-rearing the only times I’m really regretful is when on rare occasion I felt I didn’t stand up for my kids when those with some power over us spoke to them in highly offensive ways. In our situation, H’s employers more than his family. Stand up for your kids, along with teaching them to stand up for themselves.</p>
<p>Can you and H take the FIL out for something only he likes and can do in his medical condition? For example, if he can watch bowling, invite only him out and let your D bowl whiile you visit together on the benches and watch her have a good time. Nobody else invited.</p>
<p>Or just an easy ride to a nearby beach or park; some have wheelchair access, if that’s helpful. Your H has the right to invite his father to any thing he wants to do. If the MIL objects to that, try to figure out if her objections are based on medical needs or just realizing she’ll lose control of the conversation outside her presence.</p>
<p>You’re shaking up a lot of old things here. From fingers in a child’s dinner, you peel back the layers and you’re into H’s hurt/paralysis from the adoption. Families are like that; one thing leads to the next. It’s like a pot of oatmeal; as you stir it, everything moves around and has to rearrange. You might experience some push-back as you try to rearrange even the seating at MIL’s dinnertable, but stay strong.</p>
<p>I worked with a guy who grew up in an abusive household One year before Thanksgiving I casually asked him about his plans. He replied, “I used to spend holidays with my family. I now spend holidays with my loved ones.” You aren’t alone.</p>
<p>Was fil different pre-stroke towards your dh? If your dh feels that he must visit his father, then let him do it alone. Any idea as to their will? If dh and your children are not in the will, then cut Granny off at the pass and simply refuse to have anything further to do with them.</p>
<p>Do you want to have a little fun with the situation?</p>
<p>One of my old neighbors was in a situation like yours and she decided to have a little bit of in-your-face revenge.</p>
<p>She had her daughter apply to a good number of the same schools the favored grandchild was applying to…for example, your daughter applying to the schools where she in an auto-admit. Not that your daughter has to go there. And to some schools where she was getting admits with lots of $$$$.</p>
<p>When the time came, she had a (family only) (too tacky to expose to the rest of the world) graduation party for her daughter…and part of the decorations were a board with all of her daughter’s acceptances and merit $$$ offers. My neighbor didn’t have to “say” a thing.</p>
<p>Her daughter announced her college choice by wearing the special t-shirt…and she put out a board all about her school, and the special opportunities she was getting there, and about the program and how excellent it was, and how much $$$ she was getting…</p>
<p>*Quote:
She does things like sits next to my daughter at dinner and then proceeds to tell my daughter that she can see magots in her food. Then she will start sticking her fingers in my daughter’s food saying there is one, there is another.
*</p>
<p>ooohhh man…I’d like to see one of my nieces or nephews try that. I adore my nieces and nephews, and they know it, but they also know that Auntie M2CK will call them out for bad behavior quicker than they can blink an eye. Kids behave this way when they’re reasonably assured that the adults either aren’t paying attention or don’t care.</p>
<p>Seriously, you need to park your fanny close enough that you can catch such bad behaviors, but not so close that bratty niece knows that you’re watching…and then POUNCE when naughty behaviors are noted. </p>
<p>As for the MIL…I wouldn’t completely answer her Q’s about where my kids are applying. Let her think that TAMU and UT are on their lists. </p>
<p>One thing people need to understand: You are under no obligation to give completely truthful answers to people who ask questions that they have no business asking. If someone asks you how much you earn, you can either say, I don’t discuss that or say whatever. That person doesn’t have the “right” to that information, so 100% honesty isn’t req’d. If you want to tell them “what they want to hear,” then do so. They have no right to your private business.</p>
<p>Don’t let them get to you, look forward to the day after you see them. Be a good example to your own children.</p>
<p>You should check out the 8&^?% your mother-in-law says thread, if only to know you are in good company. Can’t add much to what everyone else has said but so know what you are going through. I used to have ulcer like symptoms 2 weeks before and all through MIL’s annual visit…she used to stay with us for 3 weeks. It took +/- 20 years but she is now too old to travel. We never faced things head on…my H though always on my side never did tell her where to go…but that is a whole other story.</p>
<p>You know, I hate to raise this but sometimes where our kids and extended family are concerned we can be super duper sensitive and not really be aware of it. I know I have been. It is possible, just POSSIBLE that your niece and her awful mom are, in fact, a bit intimidated by your kids. I know it’s really hard to see it but it’s possible. And it is also possible that you have done such a fine job raising your kids that it is in fact very much recognized and it makes for a great deal of insecurity. And that your dim wit MIL also senses it and thinks you and your kids are so great that you are just fine and don’t need a ton of family validation and so she heaps it onto the dumb niece. It’s also possible the dumb niece thinks your daughter is really fantastic and is trying in her dumb way to get her attention.</p>
<p>I have lived thru something similar and realized later, much to my chagrin, than I was reading things all wrong. Where I read withholding of love and acknowledgement was, in fact, acute consciousness of my kids’ achievements and terrible shame and pain over it in other quarters of the family.</p>
<p>The biggest winners have the biggest hearts. I have not lived that but I wish I had. And am trying to going forward.</p>
<p>According to another thread, the OP was sick with a fever, and the weather where they live was cold and rainy and not favorable for driving. I’m wondering if she decided to just not go on this family outing.</p>