<p>My sister hates her college too. She can’t decide what she wants to do about it. She likes her classes, but can’t stand her dorm or any of the people on campus. She said they are all loud, obnoxious, rude, and annoying people. She said her roommate is inconsiderate and snobby. She said her RA is one of the loud obnoxious people too. She said she thinks next year she’s going to commute from home. She probably would do it sooner if she could find a loop hole to get out of her housing contract.</p>
<p>I told her that she wouldn’t like the people there when she first time me that she was going, but as usual she didn’t listen. My sister is a quiet, shy person who can’t stand loud people… she also can’t stand people who drink or party or anything like that… she can’t stand people who coo-over boys like crazy… she can’t stand people who are ‘preppy’… or who try to clone them selves of everyone else… basically it comes down to the fact that she hates people… and has no patience what so ever. She would hate any dorm or any campus. She’s going to a Penn State sattelite campus, where most people start off going so that they can go to Penn State University Park and get there and party… and that’s just not her thing. She’s met one person that she says would be okay to be friends with, and now he’s dating her best friend (who is a commuter there). She goes to all of the activities on campus by herself (open mic nights, comedians, whatever else they do) so it’s not like she’s just sitting in her room, but she always goes to the things herself and hates not having anyone to go with. She says it is super boring there and never knows what to do with herself. She only has one class on Monday and Wednesdays and sits around bored the rest of the day. Her roommate is a spoiled little girl who does whatever she wants whenever she wants without thinking of anyone else and I don’t think my sister would want to hang out with her even if she asked.</p>
<p>“The OP has been in college about three weeks. I think it’s WAY early to be thinking about transfer. I don’t see any big “red flags” here and I include OP’s descriptions of the drinking/hook up culture and “boring” classes.”</p>
<p>Well, yes, and no. The culture is not likely to change. Students either become inured to it or find other options. The great majority LIKE it the way it is. As Doubleplay implies, that first “bad” month of school actually costs around $6k (if you are paying the freight), and that’s a lot to pay for having your kid grit his or her teeth and bear it. </p>
<p>But it is early - and there are bound to be other “sub-cultures” out there that might majorly improve the experience. (Still, the issue will remain as to why, with so many great, great schools out there, the OP actually finds himself at one where he has to hunt for it.)</p>
<p>I agree with those who say it’s too early to make a decision. My D is going through some growing pains at her school right now as a freshman, and this is perfectly normal. She is busy, but feels she hasn’t made a “real friend.” She has, however, made friends. As an adult who went through this same thing many moons ago, I recognize that there are hundreds (thousands?) of students she has yet to meet. As long as she stays active, the feeling of fitting in will come in time. She also expressed concern that perhaps she hadn’t chosen the right school … but I feel that that may be related to the fact that she had some great ones to choose from. No place is perfect, so there is bound to be something that might look better in another school. However, I did tell her that if the school does turn out to be “wrong” for her, she can always transfer later; she has to give it time, though. I don’t think this will be the case, to be honest, but I think it helps her to know that she isn’t “stuck.”</p>
<p>For the OP, I would give the same advice initially. But OP has deeper concerns than my D, who is simply adjusting to something new & different. I would suggest that OP definitely try to get involved in whatever ways are appealing … plays, clubs, service projects, research, etc. Getting to know the profs may help. Do everything possible to give the school a real chance. If you don’t find like-minded people to share your social time with, then I do feel that a transfer may be a good idea — but you MUST choose carefully the next time around. My D definitely considered the whole partying thing when choosing a school, and she nixed some “great” schools because of it — so I understand your concerns & would think leaving if you can’t find a good social fit (after giving it a bit of time) might be a good idea.</p>
<p>As for classes … not sure how to address that one. I think it might be a good idea to talk to some upperclassmen about how classes are after freshman year. Perhaps the basics are not so great, but other classes might be wonderful. It may well be that the school is just not the kind of intellectual environment you are looking for. That would be a good reason to leave. Again, you will need to do research to make sure you choose the next school wisely. I know that my D was not impressed by one school she visited … kids just sat in class & took notes … no interaction with profs. She loved the schools where the profs engaged the students. Some kids want that … others would rather just attend class, take notes, and get through it without having to “discuss” in class. Different strokes for different folks. Figure out what you want & try to find it.</p>
<p>I am sorry this is happening to you. You have my sympathies. Do all you can for the rest of the semester to find what you want at your school. If you give it your best shot & are still not happy next semester, you may want to transfer. It isn’t the end of the world when one school doesn’t work out … and you might be thankful that you were there, as it can help you figure out just what you want in a new school. You might end up better off for the time you spend where you are today. Good luck.</p>
<p>First of all, we’re hearing one side of the story and we don’t know anything about the OP, other than this is their first post. He/she has not responded back to anything asked/suggested.</p>
<p>Secondly, to expect ‘real friends’ within the first three weeks of a new home is kind of unrealistic. It takes months and years to build real friendships. It’s one of the stretching exercises of going away to school - you have to move beyond your comfort zone and actually look for your niche. My first semester of college I came home almost every weekend. Second semester freshman year, I came home twice. Time does give things a different perspective. After my sophomore year, I transferred to a school that I was happier at, but it didn’t mean I didn’t make the most of the first two years.</p>
<p>Regarding classes, we don’t know what classes this freshman is taking - he/she may be undecided and is taking all basic LAC requirements, which are not always the most engaging. If he/she is expecting upper-level, major specific class interaction, it’s probably a let down. It’s the growing pains of freshman year - taking a lot of required classes, on days and times you wouldn’t have made your first choice. </p>
<p>However, it is very feasible that the OP is at a school that is a poor fit. This is where character plays a big part. Some kids, in this situation, will sit back and throw a pity-party for themselves until December when they can get out of there. Other kids, while knowing it’s not the right fit, will do everything they can to make the best of the situation, so that they feel empowered. That may include starting to look at transfer options - but don’t let that be the sole bane for your existence this semseter.</p>
<p>No, no, no! That’s missing the point. It’s not about going TO activities, it’s about participating in the creation of those activities. Your sister has found that it can be lonely to walk into an entertainment gathering like an open mic night all alone. Where to even sit, if you don’t yet know anyone? Others might have gone with a dorm-mate so they at least have someone to chat with while in the audience.
We’re not saying to go “to” activities but to get in there and be involved in setting them up. She’d have more fun if she were the one taking the tickets for it, or doing the lighting…then she’d have something to do. There’d be people to talk to all evening. She’d have a role to play. It would never cross her mind that she was bored, because she’d be busy and engaged.
’ I’m talking about an important difference between being a consumer of activities (including entertainment, that’s just one activity) and participating in setting things up.
I hope your sister can figure out the difference, because it doesn’t get any better if your idea of “activities” means going out all alone to be entertained somewhere in public. Get backstage, it’s more fun.
In a few months, after she knows more people in general on the campus, she might feel comfortable to walk in alone to places because she’ll perhaps bump into someone she has met, either in a class or activity, so can sit with them. But a few weeks into freshman year, how could she possibly be that lucky (except maybe at a small college).
Did she used to go to movies at home all alone, or with friends? Probably with friends. Most people (not all) prefer to see things with others sitting nearby. But until then, she should try to change her course.
What’s brave is she DOES go out of her room…so she is trying to do something…but might need a redirect of what to do once out. If she does want to go to see the shows, at least try to find someone ahead of time to meet at the door and sit with. She doesn’t have to love this person, just that both want to see the same show. She’ll have more fun and feel more comfortable in the audience then.
Really, you go out to have fun and let some endorphins (happy hormones) get released in your brain so you’ll feel better afterwards.</p>
<p>^^^All this is true but easy to say and harder to do sometimes.
There are cases where people just don’t click, through no fault of their own. I didn’t click with my first (thank goodness I was a temporary) roommates. Although I was attending a large state university, so eventually I was going to meet people like myself no matter what.</p>
<p>I don’t know where OP goes to college, but if it’s a small LAC, there is a distinct possibility that it could be very difficult to meet people of the same mindset. Let’s give him/her the benefit of the doubt. I can’t imagine what it would be like, for example, to go to a small college- say 2000 undergrads- where only 20% don’t party (now we’re down to about 100 per class). And I’ve got to go out and find those 100 people- oh, by the way, only half of them are the same sex, and of those, only a handful actually share common interests with me.</p>
<p>I know that some kids stay all evening at these parties, but others just drop in for part of the evening on their way to other activities. OP might be counting some in as party-people when they’re not die-hard partiers but are stopping in or mentioning they went to a party. This would only make OP feel more left out. It just sounds like the feeling of “looking into the candy store” and that’s sad. </p>
<p>It’s not just kids who do this. Adults go to a social gathering as newcomers and are convinced “everyone” knows everyone else, when it’s only partially true. </p>
<p>Try not to paint your environment all in black-and-white. I think there are things going on of interest to you, but perhaps you have work a bit harder just to find them. The people who gravitate to these actifvities might be more your type than the partiers. You don’t need a ton of friends, just some.</p>
<p>I just hope you’ll try a while longer, and not give up. I’m hopeful for you.</p>
<p>Has the OP posted again? If not, don’t be surprised. One of the things that I have found w/my three teens is that they can be crying and all upset one minute and just fine the next. Before she left for college, middle D was all upset because she had this long list of people she wanted to see before she left but she had no time. Nothing I said seemed to help. I went to bed.
The next morning D was singing, chipper and her normal self. When I asked about it, she said “Well, “Sister” reminded me that I wasn’t DYING, just going to school for a few months and that I had everyone’s email, cell phone and IM, so I could still talk to them every day if I wanted to! I was just really tired, Mom. It’s been a busy week.”…Meanwhile, I had been tossing and turning half the night all worried that she was not going to adjust well. I had visions of her calling home crying every night etc. None of it happened. She’s very happy and has found many non-drinking friends who are not into random hookups. Yeah! They ARE OUT THERE. No one likes having to step out of their comfort zone, especially if you went to school w/ the same kids for four or more years. If so, you may not be used to having to make new friends.</p>
<p>I’m taking an upper-level foreign language course that is basically middle-school English class, but in the foreign language. It is supposed to help us in all four skill areas, but it is just basically reading an old piece of literature and writing about theme, which is kind of boring (I’ve heard that most of the other courses are similar in the reading and analyzing). I’m very suprised at how poor the majority of the kids in the class speak the language. They can write essays well and know theme (and thus get good grades), but they would have so much trouble if they went to a foreign country and tried to have a conversation. I’m also taking a calc class with a professor who is boring and just lectures the whole time without really helping to understand the material. I’m in a huge intro class for another subject and thus isn’t a fair sample. My other class is a seminar with other freshmen, with the same two ideas being presented all the time and not much deep thinking.
As far as transferring, I can’t see myself doing that now. It seems that the drinking/drugs/hookups would be pretty similar at any school, and that I just need to find my niche here. The problem is obviously finding people who are similar to me as I don’t know where to start besides going to meetings for clubs or organizations.</p>
<p>S89,
There is probably still time to drop/add a class. Take something fun, anything, maybe ballroom dancing! You’ve gotta get some fun in your schedule!</p>
<p>s89, this may or may not apply to you, but on CC some parents have reported with surprise that their kids went out to a the religious organization on the campus and found good kids. Non-partiers in most cases, but not drips. They went on hikes and other stuff. Neuman (sp?) for Catholic students, Hillel for Jewish, etc. </p>
<p>Also they usually aren’t exclusive so you can go there if you’re not of that faith but curious or wish to do things with the other students. There’s no Inquisition about your beliefs, in other words. It’s mostly social, with some fun, health, or help-others activities that are bonding for college students. </p>
<p>One parent was so amused, since her kid left home an avowed atheist, but liked the students who hung with the church organization. She went on all their hikes. It has less to do with the religion than just the kids who hang there. </p>
<p>Sometimes getting out of one’s comfort zone, trying a new interest, causes you to be as lucky as seeking your comfort zone directly! All you can do is shop around until something strikes good and appeals to you. It’s definitely worth the effort.</p>
<p>S89, My son (not a partier) got involved in a few different clubs his freshman year, an outdoor adventure club, an enviormental club, and a political film studies club. There was alot of crossover between the groups and he was able to find like minded people in them. I think this is THE time to step out of your comfort zone. Your people are out there, you just need to find them!</p>
<p>“It seems that the drinking/drugs/hookups would be pretty similar at any school, and that I just need to find my niche here.”</p>
<p>This just isn’t even close to being true. And it is easy to see from the data. The median school has 40% of its students bingeing at least once every two weeks (the data are an underestimate, as students underestimate the amount they drink.). 20% are abstainers. Which means are moderate drinkers. Now take a LAC where 50%+ are bingeing; the “feel” will be quite different, as moderate drinkers and abstainers are now in the minority. Move 10% the other way (with bingers making up 30% of the campus), and moderate drinkers and abstainers are a strong majority. </p>
<p>What you can see from this very quickly is that the social situation is NOT “pretty similar” school to school, sometimes even among schools which, on paper, look very much the same. </p>
<p>“I know that some kids stay all evening at these parties, but others just drop in for part of the evening on their way to other activities. OP might be counting some in as party-people when they’re not die-hard partiers but are stopping in or mentioning they went to a party.”</p>
<p>This is true, but the reverse is true as well, as experimental data indicate that college students in general underestimate their own drinking.</p>
<p>“They went on hikes and other stuff. Neuman (sp?) for Catholic students, Hillel for Jewish, etc.”</p>
<p>Don’t pigeon hole - my d. reports A LOT of students who participate in the kosher kitchen at her school aren’t Jewish (including she herself) - I actually know some of them (and they even had a non-Jewish president of Hillel.)</p>
<p>LOL! At my d’s place, it would be kind of difficult to “pre-game” on vegan matzoh ball soup. Anyway, they are usually there until 11 or later, so it IS the game.</p>
<p>S89, I hope you try some of the ideas on this thread. I know that this is a really hard time. I went to a school that was a bit unusual in that we alternated co-op with school right from the start. As luck would have it, I was in the group that worked first. We had a strong student group at work that met & did activities together, so I had friends before I ever started at school. Even so, I recall being lonely in the first couple months of school. It is difficult to handle so many changes in your life, and it is also difficult to find that things are not always the way we envision they will be. In addition, it truly is necessary to step outside your comfort zone … and that isn’t easy. All in all, it is overwhelming! </p>
<p>I will keep you in my thoughts, and I hope things improve for you soon. Do realize that what you are experiencing is not unusual, and things probably will look different in a month or two. But also know that if they don’t, you are never “stuck.” You can transfer if you need to do so. As I told my D, keep a smile on your face, go to activities, and talk to those around you. It’s a start!</p>
<p>S89, I am a freshman this year too, and am feeling somewhat similar to you. I do not feel as if I hate college, but I am having a lot of trouble adjusting to the different atmosphere. I’m not interesting in partying either, and while in high school it was socially acceptable to go home and just go to sleep when I was tired at the end of the day (I’m far more of a morning person), I am struggling with the fact that people may think I am socially out there just because I’m not interested in running around and getting completely trashed in the wee hours of the night. </p>
<p>I’m not sure I have any constructive advice, I just want you to know that there are others out there that are not partiers that are frustrated right now too. I know how discouraging it can be to keep trying, but feel like you’re hitting repeated dead ends. Let’s hope that if we’re patient the right opportunities for us to feel better will present themselves soon.</p>
<p>This whole thread is an interesting juxtaposition on my youngest’s first impressions. He’s at a big U, but is in the honors dorm. After the first week, he reported that the kids in the dorm (and it’s a huge dorm) are NOT partiers, that the dorm social events revolved around milk-and-cookie-all-american stuff like board game tournaments. He’s not a board game person (monopoly is the only board game he knows and poker the only card game). I know he was expecting this giant party atmosphere with people stumbling in at all hours and it just didn’t happen. To get there, he has to leave the dorm. As a mom, I’m not too unhappy about him having to search for that kind of stuff- better than the alternative!</p>
<p>Find more challenging classes! My freshman has dropped out of two courses already–and moved up to junior/senior level courses to find more challenge. I hope to God he can survive them but he couldn’t see himself staying in boring classes for a whole term. He had to get permission from the upper professors for both moves–but didn’t have any trouble doing that–even though his current programming prof was unhappy.</p>
<p>Talk to upperclassmen and find out which professors are best. Make an appointment with your advisor immediately and see if you can move out of one of the boring classes. A top LAC does not want you to be bored, kiddo.</p>
<p>You can look for the profs with the reputation of being the toughest (rather than necessarily “the best”). My d. lucked into one, and was among the best experiences she had in four years. </p>
<p>Binge drinking just was never an issue where she is at school, but she knew that in advance (and what was happening at her other top choices) from visits.</p>