<p>Not only are your siblings parents not necessarily your parents, but your parents are not your children’s grandparents. My grandparents were fantastic, but my mother’s relationship with them was extremely complicated, and that has actually caused US to have a lot of problems in our relationship. </p>
<p>That’s a problem I’ve tried to sidestep with my own daughter. Yes, my relationship with my mother was fraught, frayed, and complicated but she deserves the right to have her own relationship with her grandmother without those issues overshadowing them.</p>
<p>That is a good point. MY FIL has always been a big horse’s rear, but about 5 years ago, he started acting a lot nicer. Need to keep my mouth shut and let the kids relate to the nicer guy that he is now.</p>
<p>Quote from missypie:<br>
“That is a good point. MY FIL has always been a big horse’s rear, but about 5 years ago, he started acting a lot nicer. Need to keep my mouth shut and let the kids relate to the nicer guy that he is now.” </p>
<p>Sorry–forgot how to quote–refresher anyone?</p>
<p>It’s great when folks are able to allow their kids to have this and is truly a selfless gift to the kids. Many adult relationships do get “complicated” and it’s good when we are able to allow our kids not to have to deal with all the undercurrents.</p>
<p>My mom never told me she loved me growing up. But I know she did. Anyone ever see “Real Women Have Curves”? That’s what I mean. Sparing with the outward emotion, but you know it’s there. Somewhere.</p>
<p>However, she is all about my kids. Would do anything for them. Still doesn’t tell them she loves them, but it’s obvious in the grandparent/grandchild relationship.</p>
<p>Hunt- Thanks for the book recommendation. I am buying it right now!!!</p>
<p>My mom moved in with us about 2 yrs ago and it has been a struggle. I am the only surviving child, so I do feel a responsibility for her care. But the issues that I thought I resolved years ago by getting out of the house have just resurfaced over the past two years. At the same time that I am navigating letting go issues with my college age daughter, an only child.</p>
<p>I don’t think my kids like me too much. In fact, I know they absolutely hate my guts and wish I were dead at times. They certainly wish they had a different mother. But, oh, they do love me so, and I love them too.</p>
<p>That’s exactly what my sister does. My father denied that my sister was his child until she was 12. She was around what would become my family because my father’s parents still treated her as a grandchild, but even that wasn’t always good, because my father was there to say to her face that she wasn’t his child. Of course she is. And they still have their issues now, but she knows he’s been a good/okay father to at least 3 children and that he wants to be a good grandfather. So she lets him. When children are spaced out over 14 years, they can have very different parents.</p>
<p>I was very lucky my parents were everything parents should be. Everyone of my siblings realize we were blessed. Their grandchildren get to feel the love now.</p>
<p>My in laws fav child is a girl who is “like a daughter” and she can do no wrong. Now, don’t get me wrong, she is a lively woman, kind, caring thoughtful, successfully married to a well to do man, always recalls the right holiday with the right gift, everything she does is gracious in reality, and everything is always great in their minds. No burden on her that she is not doing enough.</p>
<p>She came from a tougher family and the in laws made a big difference in her life, they helped her at a low point, so she is grateful and since she is not blood, there are not really expectations, everything is good.</p>
<p>The issue is that the low point came when she and her long time BF broke up- he was my DH and he was away at university. She moved into their home and was treated as their DD and still is. He was the bad boy who dumped her :eek:</p>
<p>And nothing he does is ever good enough, the expectation is always there for more…it’s especially amazing when he is compared to her. I believe you break off with some one because you DON’T want to spend the rest of your life with them ;)</p>
<p>It is very sad.</p>
<p>My sibs are much older than me and had very different parents. We are all different people, too, so have different relationships no matter when we interacted with them. It only makes logical sense that people who are more similar to each other would have more in common and develop closer relationships.</p>
<p>My blessing is that my mother, who allegedly loved me but couldn’t have been more critical – about my clothes, my weight, my body type, my choice of boyfriends, my choice of husband, choice of career, lack of manicure, choice of where I lived – passed away almost 25 years ago. It’s been delightful to raise my own children without her critical eye. (Remember the book called “You’re Wearing That?” My mother named it.)</p>
<p>Both my mother and MIL preferred boys to girls. Sadly for me, I’m not one. I feel that I raised myself emotionally from the time my younger brother was born. Luckily for me, I didn’t inherit those feelings at all. Having a daughter was like a redemption for me – the chance to give her the kind of mothering that I always wanted and never got enabled me to ‘mother’ myself too. I wish I had an unambivalent relationship with my mother – where I could just look forward to seeing her, but unfortunately there’s a lot of dread mixed in and I don’t think it will ever go away.</p>
<p>I know I was loved by my mother and at least well liked by my father so that’s all it matters to me. I don’t care if my mother loved my brother slightly bit more or my father had some else as his favorite either.
I’m not sure I can be 100% equal to my 2 kids at all the time. I’m sure at one point in my life I love one kid more than the other especially the one that was the most babish at the time.</p>
<p>open bracket
type the word “quote” (without the ")
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<p>Try that…</p>
<p>MIdmo explained it so much cleaner than I did…</p>
<p>I know I love my parents, but I don’t like them too much. My values and outlook for life is different from theirs. I always liked my in-laws more than I like my parents. I admire them and respect their values more than I like my own parents. Yet, when my in-laws became ill and then passed, they don’t tug at my heart strings and I am not heart broken like my husband. It’s then I realized the saying “blood is thicker than water”.</p>
<p>I am afraid if my adult children do not share the same values as I do, I won’t respect/like/close to them. I will always love them above everyone else, they are my flesh & blood. Approval, respect, liking … I think it depends on what their paths they eventually take. I hope we will eventually have interests and values in common. If that makes sense.</p>
<p>It’s always easiest to love the one who is giving us less heartache at the time, but sometimes the rascals are loved the most overall, because they’re neediest (get in the most scrapes). My parents are endearing in trying so hard to be “equal” among all of us, but we know that some of us are easier to love, especially when we give to them unconditionally and are low maintenance. </p>
<p>I am grateful my folks always avoided obvious favoritism and have always strived for fairness among all of us. That’s really a feat with so many of us. We have all tried to follow their example and be fair with all our kids and among the cousins, nieces & nephews. Kids pick up quickly on favortism and it creates unhealthy/unhappy conflicts.</p>
<p>Somemom
I can’t imagine being dumped by my family for an EX-gf. How utterly tragic–your poor H & kids. Those parents really have some “issues.”</p>