“old man marries a slightly younger woman and she ends up being his nurse in his senior years. It’s only fair to provide for her too.” - Agreed. But when she passes, if money is leftover it would be nice if there were plans in place to have it go to his family, no hers.
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I always say that when an older man remarries he’s looking for a nurse or a purse. 
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When the new spouse marries the widow/er and spends time together, possibly providing care and other duties, it really is between the two of them as to how assets that aren’t totally exhausted/depleted are left. Other considerations may include how long the 1st marriage was, how long the 2nd marriage was, how much kids from either marriage assisted the parents, how much care was involved, etc. the list can go on.
Bottom line, folks are free to do as they see fit with their assets. Don’t count on any inheritance and you won’t be disappointed but may have a happy surprise (or not), some day. The best way to try to get your assets to go where you want them is by working with an excellent estate attorney and hope all your descendants get along and want to do what you want done.
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My mom knows a very nice waiter at a country club who was always polite to all the guests. Lo and behold, one of them died and left him her multi-million dollar house! After his inheritance, he stopped being a waiter. I have no idea what ruckus her relatives may have raised at her death. My mom always smiled at the retelling.
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Finding a good estate attorney: What questions to ask? Where do you find referrals? We have no family lawyers, and only used a real estate attorney once - about 30+ years ago!
You can start by asking the banks where you have relationships with if there are estate attorneys they recommend. You can also check with the bar association or good friends whose judgment you trust.
My bank had a few recommended names and they were all respected estate attorneys but I chose a different attorney that my brother who is a competing bank’s in house counsel recommended.
My understanding is most do not charge for an initial consultation so it may be worth your while to meet a few and find the one who best matches up with your personality. We also wanted one young enough to likely still be alive and practicing when our kids needs to consult.
Ah yes, you may also wish to ask any cpa or tax consultant you’re friendly with—they may have some insights. The probate department in your courthouse may also have some suggestions, informally.
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I have a couple of college friends who married men 20+ years older than them. One was about 40 and married a 60 year old. they’ve been married more than 20 years but I’m sure when they were first married 20 something years ago, his family thought she was a gold digger. I think she’s entitled to all his money and belonging, just as any spouse is. The children are entitled to nothing, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they get something. When he dies, she’ll still have the same expenses of the house, cars, insurance, etc.
Another married an older guy and they’ve been married for 10+ years. I think she has more money than him. She has one adopted child (from her first marriage) and he has 6 children from his prior marriage. No idea how they will divide but I wouldn’t think it was a bad choice for the money to go to the spouse that outlives the other and for that spouse to get to give it away how she/he likes. Divide it 7 ways? Give it just to her legal daughter? Give it to the grandchildren (one for the singleton, many for his 6)? They have several homes, two businesses, and all the other assets of a marriage.
A friend married a guy with 2 children and then they had one together. It’s a little complicated because the youngest has Down syndrome. The middle son, with 2 children, just died. He’d been the trustee and executor so now they have to redo everything. The oldest son was estranged for about 10 years but now is married, one child, and back in the fold. I was surprised they wanted the estate divided in two for the two older sons, and for the grandchildren of the recently deceased to split his portion. I would have thought they’d want to divide the estate into 3 with each grandchild taking 1/3, but that’s not what they want.
I know my own grandfather would have wanted everything divided by 8, for the 8 grandchildren. He had two sons, one with 6 kids, one with 2. But my grandfather KNEW the 6 of us much better than my 2 cousins. Alas, he died with nothing so there was nothing to divide.
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Seems like the quality of the estate lawyer at the stage of writing the will (and trust(s) if applicable) will be found out when the estate is being distributed (i.e. was everything clearly specified, were all possibilities accounted for, were unnecessary costs and conflicts avoided?).
We found out a bit more about our chosen estate attorney when he didn’t charge us extra to clear title to properties (several people on them have died over the years), nor to speak briefly with my SisIL’s estate attorney in CA, to confirm we were all agreed. (The CA estate attorney on the other hand charged and charged. We are glad to be done with her.
Ah yes, having disabled loved ones adds yet another charming wrinkle, which a good estate attorney can help talk you through as to options. Here we are getting pretty far from the OP’s original query, but a good estate attorney can help protect assets and ensure that the disabled beneficiary has use of assets while not being disqualified from receiving any means tested benefits.
Also, when assets are divided, should they go equally to the kids or the grandkids of the deceased? What if one of the kids is single? What if one has many kids and the other only 1?
Starting to think that having one unmarried son certainly simplifies things! And if he ever finds a woman who will marry him, I would pay her a lot to make him content.
Odd things can indeed happen when someone doesn’t write things carefully. My mom passed away almost six years ago and a year later we were getting ready to close on selling her condo. That’s when we discovered that 18 years previously when my dad passed away, instead of transferring his 80% share of the condo to her, they actually transferred 80% of his share. So that last 20% of his 80%, e.g. 16% of the total, remained in his trust. It was touch and go whether we could clear title, and whether all the proceeds could be paid to my brother and myself or if some of it had to go into my dad’s trust, which had been dissolved by then. But our real estate attorney was in good with the title company, so they got it all worked out.
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@badgolfer , I keep thinking about this thread, and I wanted to say that I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I hope that you’ll be able to spend the years you have left doing what you love to do, and being with the people who matter to you.
It’s great that you want to help your brothers and your nieces and nephews. What a gift for them! I also think you’ve helped a lot of people in the CC community by opening this discussion. Best wishes.
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Have just read the revised Beyond the Grave. Much to ponder. No easy answers but much food for thought.
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Sending you wishes for many years of health, OP.
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If you have acquaintances who know of good estate attorneys, you can ask them. We went through our wealth manager who had 3 recommendations. We considered their experiences and the “reviews” given by clients.
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Beyond asking friends for recs look at Martindale-Hubbell ratings. Those ratings are the gold standard. Look for someone AV ranked.
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An aunt passed away very recently, and an estranged child became unenstranged shortly before that happened. She didn’t have much to leave so I am sure it was genuinely them finally making peace with each other, but I can see how this type of situation could lead to inheritance issues.
My thanks - your post triggered me to look up our estate attorney’s firm ranking (5/5). We set up our planning in 2016. But I just discovered that our attorney was appointed to the bench in the County Superior Court in 2019. Called the firm and confirmed the judge was no longer our attorney and got the name of the partner who had our portfolio. I am a little surprised that we weren’t notified, but we have nothing that needs to be changed.
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Thanks all for the replies; I have read them all. And also for the well-wishes. Science advances, maybe there will be a cure by the time I need it.
The way I’m leaning now, I’m thinking of amending the trust to leave specific percentages directly to my nieces and nephews as some have suggested. Perhaps 50% divided amongst them, the remaining 50% to my 2 brothers. And I’ll keep the clause (already in the trust) where the nieces/nephews have to be 35 to inherit their full share, although prior to that age the trust gives the trustee power to give them money for a house down-payment, medical expenses, etc.
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@badgolder, I think you should feel very comfortable not wanting the money to go to the adults sons of your brother’s second wife. The question is how best to do that. Trusts are a particular good vehicle. I think what your are planning for the nieces/nephews makes sense. You can also give the trust directions on what the money is to be used for if you want.
I have two sisters who are married and have children and a brother who never married (and also never had children). He is a very sweet man who is somehow very naive and has impeccably bad judgement about money. If there is a way to sign up for a multi-level marketing scam or get pressured into buying a high priced product that he doesn’t really need or take hundreds of dollars of supplements a month because a chiropractor recommended it, he will do it. He is also the least well off of the four and has retired and is living on his pension from a career as a teacher. I suggested to my mother that she a) increase the amount given to him rather than his siblings; and b) put the money for him in trust with directions to the trustee to distribute what he needs above a minimum annual amount if he needs it for health, housing, etc. It is written so that he can’t use it to buy a Ferrari or wildly expensive golf clubs – I think he will need it to live on. When he dies, any amounts remaining would go in equal portions to the grandchildren.
Could you write the trust document and/or instructions to trustees to provide money for the housing, health, welfare, … of your brothers and not just an arbitrary grant so that what remains would go to your nieces/nephews? EDIT: I saw in one of the links posted that it is common for a trust to provide distributions for HEMS: Health, Education, Maintenance and Support.
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