<p>I agree with ellemenope – they will find someone else to use after you move on. My dh has a relative like this. Despite all her whining and crying over the years about how ‘he’s the only one who helps me’, somehow she managed to get along fine once he stopped being used. They always manage to find someone else to batten on and once those people get tired of not being paid back for ‘loans’, hear the five-hundredth repitition of the ‘poor, poor, miserable me’ blues, and the excuses for why they can’t possibly a) get a job, b) pay the bills, c) take care of themselves, the vampire finds another victim. </p>
<p>Thank you everyone for the many thoughtful and detailed replies. A special thank you to teriwtt for your detailed response.</p>
<p>I have decided to cut ties with these people who have been refusing to take advantage of services and products that they could use and obtain without relying on people like me. While their situation is unfortunate, their decisions to not use services, etc., have added to their misfortune, and it’s not my responsibility to try to save people who won’t use their own resources to help themselves. </p>
<p>He is too cheap and “private” to pay for equipment and services that would have made his wife’s life easier. I can now see that his wife is one of those women who takes a lot of pride in sacrificing her life and her health for others who are exploiting her. He is her third husband and actually treats her much better including exploiting her less than did her previous husbands. </p>
<p>If they had been acting like this when I first met them, and if I had known her history, I would have run in the opposite direction. However, we met in a spiritual group and in some peace organizations that they then were volunteering with. They were thoughtful, intelligent, conversationalists whose nonviolence interests I shared. It’s only after due to his progressive illness, they left the organizations that I got to know them on a more personal level because I felt sorry for them and felt drawn to helping people whom I thought couldn’t help themselves. </p>
<p>Thank you all for helping me gain insight into this situation so I don’t get embroiled any further in their sad, but very dysfunctional lives.</p>
<p>You will surely always care about them, Northstarmom, and you may have twangs of guilt. Bookmark this thread and reread it daily for awhile. You are making the right decision for you and your family, and perhaps if other made a parallel choice, this family would make do more responsibly. Good luck.</p>
<p>NSM - I guess what I was trying to say is, the social worker and CNA services that come with hospice are included. The will not cost them more money (a daily paid caregiver will), so I suspect a main part of the issue is privacy. At some point they will be forced to choose something when the wife can literally no longer do it, or he will be discharged from hospice. When people make that choice (and I’ve truly only seen someone get discharged from hospice for that reason maybe once or twice in five years of doing hospice work in my area), I find it hard to feel sorry for them. Also, the equipment (hospital bed, bedside commodes, wheelchair, etc.) is ALL covered under the hospice benefit…no extra costs to them. Now this is all assuming they have medical coverage (maybe they’re not old enough for Medicare yet) through his employer (probably yes, if he’s a state employee) that includes hospice.</p>