I kind of think we need to wait for the OP to come back before offering more opinions/advice.
8 Likes
@ECCA2026 as the parent of a kid with ADHD (now 33, finished college at 31) just want to thank you for your articulate, insightful posts.
3 Likes
Is it fair to expect a 4.0 from your kid when youâre paying for college?
No.
Especially not when itâs a student with ADHD.
1 Like
FWIW, the student has EF issues, not ADHD, per the OPâs report. They may overlap, but we donât know if that is the case here.
2 Likes
In another post OP indicated the student is not using his accomodations and may not be taking his ADD meds
Good catch. But it sounds like what the OP is concerned about are the EF issues. Wonder if he âforgetsâ his meds or prefers not to take them. Unfortunately, some kids actually sell them too..
It is known that executive function disorder is not an independent, standalone diagnosis. It is part of other diagnoses of which there can be several, ADHD being one. Not all ADHD kids have executive function disorder issues and not all folks with executive function disorder issues have ADHD. But we await an update from the OP. Hopefully they went to see their son this weekend.
2 Likes
There are so many unanswered questions here. Hopefully @LDM_1 will come back and clarify things. Is this kid really crashing and burning or is he just at risk of a few B or C grades? My oldest for whatever reasons (probably embarrassment) decided not to use his extended time his first semester of college. He had to take a few lumps and learn the hard way that he did in fact need to use his accomodations.
3 Likes
I still think the OP is smart to worry about this now. Yes, it is early in the first semester but it takes a long time to repair a GPA that gets damaged early in the college life, especially when it she might be able to help now.
IMO weâre still in the âletâs fix thisâ stage, not in the âpull the plugâ stage. We donât know if the professors are requiring him to ask for each test (for accommodations extra time on tests, 2 weeks for papers, whatever) or if they just required him to set up a schedule once. We all have kids who exaggerate what is really being required by the teachers. Maybe the EF coach can clarify things.
Unfortunately, the accommodations often require the student to self advocate, and they donât like to do that and may not like the answer (which might be No, you have to do it my way). I have a friend who was 2E and with all the help of her parents she graduated 2nd in her class in high school and went to a top 50 college. Immediately fell apart. Two Câs and 2 Dâs her first semester. She argued about the accommodations because she didnât want to sit in the front row (required by prof if she wanted to use a lap top), couldnât fully participate in her LLC because some of the meetings were after her bedtime, etc. Arguing about accommodations was, iMO, worse than just not using them because she was so miserable with the answers (that she had to follow the profâs rules). She dropped out, transferred to a local school and lived at home. Much happier that those profs let her do it her way, but the school was much less prestigious (the price she paid). I remember that when she was looking at colleges Amherst told her they couldnât make the accommodations she wanted and that sheâd be happier somewhere else.
Iâm a little like the OP in that I didnât care if my kids got lower grades in college because they were doing the best they could, but they couldnât do that at full pay (and expensive) schools because I couldnât afford that. I think the OP is right to question if this school was the right choice before the money part gets out of hand and they are borrowing to finance an education that isnât giving them what they wanted (a top grad school). The son is clearly smart because he was accepted to this top school, but that doesnât mean it is the right school for the family.
4 Likes
I have seen lots of discussion around this for 2E kids - that yes they can get into really good schools but vary widely in their ability to navigate this independently. Some are fine and some flounder and many are somewhere between those two outcomes. Ideally you know which before they go but sometimes thereâs only one way to find out. Hope this student makes it (it sounds to me like he is doing ok, just not all As but certainly not failing?) however, I do wonder if they need a more effective EF coach.
3 Likes
That was my friendâs issue -navigating her meds, class schedule, eating, sleepingâŠshe could do some of them, just not all of them at once. And it wasnât failure, just not the right school for her. She did much better when she could control more of her life.
2 Likes
Per OP, both parents are working hard for long hours to make this college happen for kid and maybe (just speculating here), it feels to OP as though they are working harder than their student.
To me it reads as if there may be a gap between how hard your son tells you he is working (classes are easy, doing well socially) in contrast to missing assignents or incompletes regardless of the final grade. Put together it sounds as though the student has the time to work with professors or the EF coach on developing skills and better habits but is not engaged in that process.
Sure, student might also struggle at other colleges, but could be struggling at less cost to the family.
ETA: I would not rule out a transfer to a more affordable school or expecting my kid to add work hours/pay part of their own way. Some students do better with part-time work to help organize their days.
4 Likes
OP is ticked they are paying $90k and busting their a$$ when the student could have been at school for half.
The kid loves the school. Maybe the OP thinks theyâve put fun over study.
They would not be the first. They are away from home. They have independence.
Kids of all different personalities would suffer through this.
2 Likes
I still stand by what I said because it applies (in my opinion) also with somebody with EF challenges.
I hate to be harsh but here are a couple of âtruthsâ.
You can either afford the college or you canât. If you canât- your son needs to find a more affordable alternative for a sophomore year transfer.
Heâs either finding college easy or heâs not. If heâs âunderperformingâ and not completing assignments on time, etc. heâs clearly NOT finding it easy despite what he may tell you. He may get a total shellacking come finals. I remember my freshman year classmates whoâd brag how easy college classes were compared to their âgiftedâ programs, elite exam high schools, prep schools, etc. and then us regular, âordinary public high schoolâ classmates would wipe the floor with them. My HS had over 1100 students in my graduating class- many of whom went straight to the military (despite a very unpopular war), a trade school program in auto repair, beautician school, etc. I had no illusions about how rigorous my HS was so I decided early on to just outwork everyone else. Professor has a âsuggested reading listâ in addition to the required stuff? A suggestion IS a requirement once you get to college.
His EF coach is either helping or hindering. You need to figure out which it is. Doesnât sound like a very successful partnership between your son and the coach but you havenât posted enough information for any conclusion.
Getting all Aâs in college is an inappropriate/not helpful goal IMHO. The goal should be academic and intellectual and cultural and artistic âstretchingâ. Get a B in a tough seminar on âIncome Inequalityâ team taught by a professor of poli sci and a professor of economics? That could be a fantastic outcome if your kid had to work hard to keep up with a thousand pages of reading a week and produce a paper, with index, citations, and original analysis of a large data set in order to fulfill the assignment. Get a B minus in a music theory class where your kid had to learn an entirely new vocabulary, notation system, AND become proficient in two different historical genres? Sounds like a win to me. Etc. You see where Iâm going.
A kid blowing off work to socialize may or may not have anything to do with his learning issues. Plenty of kids do that. But I suspect your kid may have had significantly more scaffolding in HS than you guys are aware of or will admit to. THATâS likely the issue. Did he get himself to the school bus on time every morning? Make himself lunch and remember to put it in his backpack? If he forgot his sports equipment did someone drive it to school or would he have to sit out practice that day? If he handed in an assignment late was it an automatic grade demeritâ or were teachers constantly giving makeups and extra credits?
Hugs. Youâll figure this out. But kids who need to get all Aâs in college are often kids who are learning the least. They learn to coast. They learn to take the easiest classes. Is that what you are paying for?
11 Likes