This whole thread is interesting to me.
I came to these forums late, as it turned out, when my kid was a junior. By then, it became apparent that she was on track to be a 4.0 student with 15 APs and a National Merit Finalist. This had not been part of any college admissions plan; she had always been focused on sports. But it dawned on me that her “stats” looked like those of the students who went to Ivys and “top” schools, so I came here to explore possibilities. Certainly, at her school, fellow students (and their parents) assumed out loud that someone with her record would be going to Harvard or Stanford.
I quickly realized I was about five years too late. People here already knew so much about what their kids wanted to study, and what each school offered, and had gone on so many visits already. My kid was just settling on a possible major and had done zero related extracurricular activities at that point.
My parenting style had been to expose her to a ton of activities when she was young and then see what “stuck.” The things that stuck were kind of haphazard and did not create a nice curated story for applications. And my kid was not quirky or unusual or mature beyond her years in a way likely to lead to some insightful personal essay that would take those haphazard activities and knit them into something that made her stand out from the crowd of conscientious, hardworking kids trying to figure themselves out and do something good in the world.
So on the one hand, I kinda get the tiger parenting thing. Those parents are desperately trying to catch up with the parents (generally of multiple generations of wealth) who are “in the know” and have had their kids on track for highly selective schools since birth. They see it as their kid’s ticket to that wealth class in an economically fraught time, even if they don’t appreciate the value of a Wake Forest versus an Ivy.
If you roll up like I did, coming from an area where most families are choosing between large public schools in the region or maybe opting for community college, it is a little shocking to realize that your child may be graduating at the top of their class with lots of school and community involvement and awesome test scores — and they are just “average” applicants as far as top schools are concerned. It struck me as a bit unfair that she didn’t get extra points for accomplishing her achievements without taking any test prep or multiple tests, without getting any guidance from school or other counselors. It struck me as even more unfair that she would have had a leg up if she were coming from a highly-regarded public or private high school that hired counselors who maintained relationships and strong communication with highly selective colleges; it seemed to me that doing it on her own should have counted for more than whether her high school was a “known” entity.
So. I started to see how the admissions system at highly selective schools is rigged to benefit the wealthy and well-connected. There are also opportunities (albeit not easy to get) for the very bright kids who are the least wealthy and unconnected, who qualify for Questbridge and other full-ride FGLI scholarships.
But if you are fortunate enough to have parents who can afford college, but who are not in the wealthy, connected, “in the know” class, chances are that the highly selective schools are not in the cards. And that reduces your chances of entering the wealthy, connected, “in the know” class yourself.
And bam! That thinking right there is where the tiger parent is born. Parents don’t want their kids to be shut out.
I came from a non-illustrious background but attended a well-regarded school and got a professional degree. I didn’t ever feel all that comfortable rubbing elbows with the “in the know” crowd, so I guess I self-selected our family to a less prestigious zip code. That may well have limited the prestige of the colleges my offspring could attend in a way, too — something a good tiger parent would never have done if they could help it.
I have feelings of ambivalence about it. On the one hand, I don’t think my kid would have thrived at an Ivy despite being qualified, in my opinion. But is that a chicken or egg thing? Would it have been different if she were raised in a different zip code? On the other hand, would I really want my goal to be to ensure my kid is part of a wealthier, more connected sliver of society? It could add to pressure to find ways to stay in that rarefied air even when one’s talents or interests are not consistent with that level of income, etc. It could also limit exposure to and understanding of how the rest of the world works and how little one really needs — a lack of perspective.
Kind of a “be careful what you wish for” thing.
Anyway, we quickly assessed that the tiger train was not for us. And my kid is enjoying life at a “safety” school 100% by choice. I definitely feel like that makes us a minority in certain circles, although not in our neighborhood. In a lot of average middle America, people still think the smartest kid in the class will get into Harvard just because they were the smartest kid in the class. It doesn’t occur to many people around here that there would be any additional role for a parent at all.
