Does it matter? You are too good or not good enough. Either way, it’s gonna hurt and there isn’t much one can do. Mourn the loss and move on when ready.
I think its a valid excuse when you aren’t crazy about them and want to move on. I agree with oldfort that if you are madly in love you will not want to leave. It’s actually kinder to let them go and let them move on.
I think by the time they come up with ANY excuse, they have been thinking about it for awhile. That is plenty of reason to accept it and move on. I don’t think anything good usually comes of prolonging the inevitable.
"My take on it is that it is an excuse to get out without having to be honest. "
My take on it is:
- Nobody is obligated to be honest, unless you are swearing in a court of law
- As Hillary said: 'What difference does it make?". I mean, whatever they say makes no difference hwatsoever, true, false or whatever, the act is the only true reflection of what is going on. And what is going on is that person has initiated a “break up”. The rest, including the actual 'break up" speech is irrelevent.
Well, this is MY opinion, based on my personality. And my personality is such that I do not pay much attention to what is said, I actually tend to erase from my head what is said. I do not trust anybody, no single person in a world. I pay attention only to the acts, not words. I cannot change it, this is the way I am.
It could be true in PokeyJoe’s son’s situation. Because his girlfriend did not share his sense of humor, he could honestly say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” He was incapable of investing in a relationship with someone who didn’t share his sense of humor.
I’ve always took it to me something similar to the example I gave. The person being dumped has traits that the dumpee doesn’t find compatible. Take it however you want, but there’s a lid for every pot.
Post #23, I’m sure you trust your daughter.
<<<
Almost every person I know is selfish when it comes to love. When they meet the love of their life, there is no way they would give up that person because “I am too messed up and I think you deserve better,” they would do everything they could to hang on to that person with their dear life.
[QUOTE=""]
[/QUOTE]
@oldfort is exactly right.
I’ve never heard of anyone breaking up with someone because they truly needed to “get better” or “get well” on their own.
Look at it this way…have you ever heard of anyone asking for a divorce because “Oh, I have cancer, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that while I fight with this.”
Re:#20
It’s not about being * good* enough or not good enough, it’s about both people being in a place where they foresee putting similar time & effort into the relationship.
No matter how much you like a person, if they are obviously more invested than you are, that can feel claustrophobic and limiting.
No matter how much you love or like them, you may also feel that your presence is a distraction, that keeps them from the work they ( or you) need to do.
Some people confuse fear with love.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/fear-of-being-single-may-be-driving-people-to-settle-in-relationships/
Why are we so afraid of doing things without a sexual partner? Doing things alone can be very empowering, and makes it more likely you will have energy to put into your connections with others.
http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/relationships/introducing-fobu-fear-of-breaking-up/
How can one really delicately say why they are ending a relationship without it hurting the other person at some level. There is no reason to be mean to the other person, and its hard to be honest without being brutally honest. And usually the person ending the relationship still cares for the other person and doesn’t want to hurt them, so letting them down gently is kind. And in truth, no one is blameless in the end of any relationship, so owning part of the problem is appropriate. If a person doesn’t see themselves with the other person for the long haul, for whatever reason, then ending it kindly is the right thing to do.
How often a break-up is a mutually agreed one? Is it quite often or is it relatively rare?
Agree that “by the time they come up with ANY excuse, they have been thinking of it for a while.”
I think “ending it kindly” is somewhat of an excuse, or at least it can be. I think if the other person asks for honesty, the person ending it should be honest, even if it’s tough. There is a difference between being mean and honest, but lying or not being straightforward when asked for the truth is not a ‘kindness’ IMHO. Then again, I am the type of person who is really not even OK with “white lies” when they are directed at me.
@acollegestudent it depends on the reasons for the break up. It could be helpful to share that you feel smothered, nagged and/or pressured to act a certain way. But if you know the recipient is not able to hear that sort of feedback, then I can see avoiding the drama. Going into details of why you may not be attracted to someone any more or why you don’t find them interesting or why you might want someone more ambitious - all are valid reasons that most likely will not have a productive or useful end.
Agree with rom828. If someone wants to end a relationship, they don’t have to kick, even if gently, the person in the rear on their way out. No need to burn bridges, and as was said, the person may not be receptive to the feedback
But if the person is ASKING for it, I feel it’s the other party’s responsibility to give it. I think saying that it’s too much drama is a cop out. If they didn’t want to deal with situations like that, maybe they shouldn’t have been in the relationship in the first place. Again, just my point of view, but I really can’t stand (in any situation, not just this) the supposedly acceptable white lies and people being indirect - just say what you mean.
@EPTR yes, he really did say “it’s not you it’s me.” He actually did believe that. It wasn’t meant to be a just a line. He felt like the things he didn’t like about this particular girl might not be a problem for another guy. He didn’t see a reason to tear her down over it. So, the problem was my son’s reaction to neutral personality traits. It really was his issue.
Oh, and from an outsider’s point of view on the relationship, our whole family loved her. Even another of our boys asked him what was up with his decision and told him he was crazy. As parents we have steered clear of interfering but, here, safe in anonymity, I can say, we’re not sure he could do any better. But, he gets to run his own life!
Maybe that’s why they are breaking up. After they got to know each other better, the guy figured it wasn’t worth his while. At the same time, I personally do think you owe the other person an honest explanation to the break if you were in a long term relationship. It gives the other person closure. I would have been a lot more upset if my ex husband was not honest with me.
Even if a person is asking for feedback, it could potentially lead to a argument (“what do you mean I am clingy? Give me an example… Oh that? I was just staying by you because I didn’t know anyone there. I am not that clingy…” ) Why go there.
In a dating relationship, I don’t think the person breaking up has any obligation to give a “legitimate reason.” If you decide you no longer want to date someone, THAT is all the reason you need. And how does the person being broken up with actually get “closure” if the reason their partner is breaking up with them is simply that they no longer want to be in that relationship? It probably isn’t about one thing in particular most of the time. As said before, they may not even be able to specifically articulate why they no longer want to be in the relationship. And I see nothing “selfish” in ending a relationship which is not mutually satisfying.
I’ve always told my daughters that if they are acting authentically, with integrity and good character in their relationships, it doesn’t matter a whit WHY someone wants to break up with them. They are not going to change who they are to keep the guy (or at least I sure hope not), so accept it with dignity, know that they are both better off if there is any hesitation on anyone’s part, and move on, hopefully to find the one who cannot imagine living life without their spectacular company.
Isn’t there a song “if you love someone, you let it go”, I hear this song a lot when I commute. Not sure who the singer is.