<p>sunnyflorida, looking in from the outside, I think that she controls the purse strings because I think she is in charge in that family. She tells Jon what to do, and I think she makes most of the decisions. He has been so passive, and now he’s not happy.</p>
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<p>If she doesn’t have a ghost writer, I need to eat what she’s eating or take whatever she’s taking.</p>
<p>I think Jon’s copping out by saying that decisions were made for him and not by him. I was a stay at home Mom for 20 years but always felt that our marriage was a partnership. If I wanted to do something, I never asked permission, I just figured out a way to do it. Who knows what really happens in their RL?</p>
<p>She married a pushover and now she continues to push. Pushing him right out the door.</p>
<p>Jon as Avon lady…I like it!</p>
<p>In the People Mag article, Kate was quoted as saying that she has always pulled the bigger weight financially in their relationship. Besides the books, tours, etc., she must feel that she is the one carrying the most weight on the show (I’ve never watched a show completely through, I have to admit).</p>
<p>The article also described Jon as an extrovert who likes to be around people. That would explain his trips to bars, etc. Not many people around for a stay at home dad to bond with. There just isn’t the same support network for them as there is for SHMs.</p>
<p>sunnyflorida, from the outside looking in, that is what it seems like to me.</p>
<p>I don’t see why he doesn’t start looking for a job to get out! In September the 6 kids should start kindergarten. There’s no reason that they don’t just hire some help from 3 pm til one of the parents is home. Oh, and I meant out of the house, not necessarily out of their marriage, unless that is what he wants.</p>
<p>As I’ve said before, I’ve never watched the show, but I’m guessing we have a classic overperformer-underperformer relationship. </p>
<p>Kate has a strong personality (not saying it’s good, just that it’s strong). Jon is, by comparison, passive. Because Kate is type A, and Jon isn’t, she feels like she “has” to carry the bulk of the load. And because she does, Jon slowly carries less of it. And she gradually begins to carry more. And he less. It’s a cycle. She becomes resentful and behaves badly. He feels trapped and becomes sullen and more passive.</p>
<p>She is not going to give up the gravy train because she really feels like she can’t. She doesn’t feel like she can depend on Jon to carry his weight, much less take up the slack if she doesn’t bring in the bucks. Besides, the ego stroke of people paying to come hear her speak and the break from the nightmare that is the house is incentive enough to keep her on the road.</p>
<p>youdon’tsay, that is exactly right. Frankly, she admits to loving fancy things like spa treatments, her home decor, look at what her hair care must cost etc. She is not a woman that would be happy to sit at home and eat P&J and clip coupons.</p>
<p>It’s all about Kate. Whatever Kate wants, Kate gets without any consideration for how it effects the people around her. She gets off on the attention. Notice the way she talks–she uses the “MY” and “I” and “ME” an aweful lot for a woman with a husband and 8 kids. She admitted and in her own words made this comment–“All I ever wanted were china dolls”.
Well, it’s time someone gets through to her to remind her that her children are more than playthings/dolls/toys for her to play with when she feels the need.</p>
<p>She has pimped her family out and she has no intentions of leaving the spotlight behind. </p>
<p>(Can you tell that I dislike the way she parents and lives her life? As a mom, she disgusts me.)</p>
<p>If my family were interesting enough, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same thing if it had meant I could have stayed home. I would have sold my soul, never mind my dignity, to stay home with my kids. However, staying home wouldn’t have meant traveling for me.</p>
<p>Forgot to add that because she’s the overperformer, she gets to play martyr. “Look how hard I work.” “What would happen if I weren’t here?” And this feeds her narcissisim.</p>
<p>Have they talked about getting counseling? That would be one way to keep the show on – it would make people more willing to stay tuned if they felt like Kate and Jon were trying to work things out.</p>
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<p>Youdon’tsay–your description seems to fit the situation to a T! If you are a professional at this–is there an answer?</p>
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<p>And in her case, she is thinking–what job could I do that could provide for the futures of MY eight kids? She feels that she has got to ride this thing out to the bitter end, with or without Jon. I think she’s already written him out of the picture mentally…</p>
<p>ellenemope, I agree with what you said, but I do think that she is thinking also of herself and her future as well as the kids. I do think that her attitude is that Jon can stay or go, but she will just plug away at what she has built up for their family.</p>
<p>True confession: I am a recovered overperformer. Not to her extent, of course, but I recognize the pattern. One of my best friends became a therapist as a second career, and years of lunches with her helped me work through it without having to pay anyone a red cent. :)</p>
<p>The solution is for each of them to recognize their role in the dynamic and for her to stop overperforming, so that Jon has no choice but to step up to the plate. And he needs to man up and not let himself be pushed around anymore. They’ll each feel better about themselves and the relationship if they regain some balance in the marriage.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay I need a friend like yours! Only kidding but I am an overperformer to an extent too. Sometimes I need to learn to take a breath and wait for someone else. Agreed they would do better with a regain of balance…the public thing just makes it that much harder.</p>
<p>Trust me, I am so thankful for her. The only problem is sometimes she talks to me like a shrink and not like a friend. It would be so much quicker if she would just say, “YDS, do this!” 
But, nooooo, she wants me to figure it all out for myself. LOL. </p>
<p>She keeps trying to get me to become a therapist as well (I was a psych minor), but I just don’t have the desire for more schooling in me. Maybe when I have an empty nest …</p>
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<p>I agree, but there is another thing going on. I speak from experience, having had a stay at home husband for 18+ years. Boys and girls are socialized differently. Women are the clothes buyers, the gift buyers and wrappers, the party planners. Kate does all the work of planning the birthday parties, then feels put upon for doing it. But if she left if to Jon he would either (a) decide the kids don’t need a party every year, or (b) have each kid call a friend, order a cake at the grocery store, and call it a party. In option (b) the kids might have as much fun, but Kate is not willing to abdicate the party planning to Jon.</p>
<p>I have always been the clothes buyer. I wouldn’t have trusted husband to buy cute, well made clothes early on. Now I’d hate to miss out on experiences such as banquet dress buying. But as a result, I work all week, then on Saturdays instead of relaxing, Husband is relaxing and I’m at the mall with kids.</p>
<p>So wives can get resentful for doing jobs that they are unwilling to abdicate, or that their hubands are unwilling to take on. I don’t think there would be a greeting card industry if women stopped buying them.</p>
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I agree.</p>
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Yup. We evolved as the gatherers of the species.</p>
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And there we have the evolving hunter. See the task/prey. Kill it. Done.</p>
<p>Yes, if you want to “share” tasks, you have to be flexible about what “done” means and can’t only use YOUR values for everything. My poor kids have to put up with my efforts to do the clothes buying & party planning because hubby is even worse. Unfortunately, neither of us are too good about it but he’s definitely significantly worse, which is why S waited until the night before he flew off for his internship to have me take him around to all the stores in the mall to find “business casual” clothing. His dad may have gone to one or two stores but we hit about 8 & got him nice clothing at good prices. Yes, I was away most of the time S was in town & had just returned from a trip before S had to leave.</p>