Big hugs to you. You are not alone!
Here are two things to think about, one for now, and one for after you get college decisions:
For now, read this: Applying Sideways | MIT Admissions
And as best you know how, try to live it (note that it applies for any big ambitions you have, not just that particular school, and is a useful frame of reference for your whole life)
For after you have college results:
It’s hard to imagine, but one of the hardest parts of the college process is after you have all the decisions, and you have to choose one to say yes to- and tell the others ‘no’. All the weight of ‘what if I make the wrong choice’ comes thundering down on you and it can be overwhelming.
Here’s a great quote from the top woman poker player in the world:
“There’s this word that we use in poker: “resulting.” It’s a really important word. You can think about it as creating too tight a relationship between the quality of the outcome and the quality of the decision. You can’t use outcome quality as a perfect signal of decision quality.”
In other words, you can make a really sound choice, and still not have it work out. Another quote, this time from a novel: “what is life but foolish and imperfect choices?”. The thing is we all make the best choice we can, based on the info we have at the time we make it, and lots of times, for lots of reasons, it doesn’t pan out as we hoped or expected. So then what?
You change your decision! IF you decide that you don’t like…your college…your major…your job…you can change it! even very late in the day: a friend of mine in HS had a Dad who had gone back to med school. And if you are still following the basic precepts of the “Applying Sideways” piece, you will be in a good position to make that change.
Good luck!