The US definitely puts way too much stress on our high school students. I think that this is a major problem that harms our kids. The fact that just getting great grades in tough classes is not enough for admissions to top universities adds quite a bit to the pressure. It also adds to the lack of sleep for kids who get home exhausted after three hours of ECs and still need to do homework for their AP classes.
I still remember the papers coming off the printer after midnight. This was a regular part of high school for both daughters. I would take the papers up to them and say goodnight.
My two daughters reacted quite differently to this. One thrives with stress and always being busy. She found high school stressful, but managed it okay. The university application process was very stressful, with affordability just adding to the problem. The other is brilliantly intelligent but does not deal well with stress. We needed to keep her focused on not worrying about anything other than doing well in school. Since we live near the northeast corner of the US there are quite a few schools to the north and northeast of us in Canada that are not too far away and that admit mostly based on grades. This meant that she did not need to worry about ECs at all, and also did not need to worry about cost. This reduced the university admissions process to mostly just deciding which school to attend – admissions itself became a non-issue (she had trouble believing this until the acceptances came in given the process that her friends were going through).
I think that parents need to pay attention to their kids, and help each kid to get though this insane process. Different kids will react differently, and we need to pay attention to the differences.
Which means that I agree with the original post except one point varied for us: For us the elite schools were not the most affordable. This will of course vary depending upon many factors.
I don’t think my S22 spends more then 5 minutes worrying about anything on any particular day. Sometimes I wish I shared his perspective on life, and sometimes I wish he cared more about things he’s judged on, like academics. But he is just unable to see a world beyond his high school existence next week, or sometimes even tomorrow. Sigh. But is he ever happy!! And he’s a good kid, too.
I also think having a well balanced list, with the majority of time spent on finding exciting safeties, takes a ton of the pressure off. As parents, we need to get rid of the prestige mindset.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the words CC and “super laid back” in the same sentence before!
This is not necessary. @lindagaf 's advice is spot on. Have your son try each test at home (I had one SAT kid and one ACT kid so don’t assume that one is better than the other until he tries them out.) If the scores are roughly equivalent, have him prep for the one he prefers. Some targeted prep of any weak areas and a few timed practice tests at home is enough prep for most students.
Very few schools required subject tests anymore, even before COVID hit.
If your son pursues activities he genuinely likes rather than trying to mold and shape himself into something he thinks colleges want, he’ll probably be happier and it sounds like he won’t lack for fine college options. Big hugs to you and best of luck.
Start now on selling the idea of forming His List that reflects his interests, values and priorities. You never see a list that says this, but Julliard is a better school than Harvard, and Harvard might not even be top ten… for musicians. Lots of lists go sideways when you start getting specific and odd names start appearing: Purdue (engineering) or BYU (accounting) or Spelman (HBCU) or Hope (Christian) or UofMD-College Park (LGBTQ+) and lists go on and on and up and down and over there. So start looking into what and where and how he wants school to be for him.
A good way to cultivate that thinking is to get him out of his comfort zone a bit. Emphasize ECs chosen because they’re interesting rather than how they look. Look at things many kids don’t consider like ROTC or campus ministry, encourage him to go out for a play or even a musical, maybe join a no-cut sport. My son didn’t make the 9th grade baseball team at our jock-factory high school, so in 10th grade he and his friend went out for tennis in the spring. Good Lord they were terrible, but they had more fun than anyone else. He was about 6’5", 160 lbs and ended up playing JV teams that were predominantly freshmen, laughing at his own mistakes, really laughing at his doubles partner, complimenting the opponents and usually getting them in his spirit of the game. He didn’t go back out junior year because he had ACL surgery that winter, but the memories are awesome.
High school is more than getting into a famous school. It’s discovering who you are so you can pick a college that’ll help you grow to your full potential, as you. If your son is a solid student maybe he’ll thrive being the biggest, best fish in his middling-sized pond. (And the financial aid might improve too. )
My two kids (HS 2019 and 2022) are very similar in some ways, but very different in others. They are both bright kids. My 2019 grad hated hated hated high school, but this is a kid who can look at a blank world map and name every country on it because geography is fun. So is learning Vietnamese on Duolingo, but this is a kid who does not want to go to college at all right now, so is taking a gap year for 2020. I am hoping once 2021 rolls around and COVID is more under control that working at a job might spark a little more goal-setting and ambition, but with everything that is going on right now I think the 2019 kid just feels very pessimistic about the future and can’t see that far. So we are in a holding pattern for the moment.
On the other hand, DD22 has now set her sights on going to uni in the UK where university admittance is all about test scores, but she is not stressing and spending every minute doing test prep. She has pretty decent preACT scores and has set Khan Academy up for SAT test prep and will be taking the PSAT in Jan, but she is more organized than stressed. She is setting attainable goals, keeping budget in mind (UK universities are about the same as most US schools and cheaper than many), and working on finding programs she wants to apply to with a safeties in mind in the UK and the US.
So my advice as a mom of two, who have approached high school and the college search completely differently is to remember that they are two different people. There is no reason to think that your son’s experience has to be the same as your daughter’s. She seems like she was a very very very driven high school student. That does not have to be the case for him and it’s okay.
Like the others who have posted, I really empathize with you. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice, but I’d caution against using words like dread, that can be kind of self-fulfilling. If you can shift to language like looking forward to or maybe being neutral, that would probably be better. Good luck, hope things work out!
I don’t get this taking test multiple times. Prep to what your needs are, take the test and be done. I bought my kiddo the ACT book, was that called the big red book? Had her study for a week to know the format and timing. Took the test and was one and done. FWIW, her top LAC mentioned her only taking it once in her acceptance. I don’t see over prepping as a necessary thing, you either know the material or you don’t. Do the prep to learn the format. But hundreds of hours of prep? Just no.
If a kid is unhappy with the pressure, I agree it’s up to us to rein them in. It’s part of our jobs as parents to get them to some happy readiness for young adulthood, not simply be so focused on college that we miss the fact that this is all about their lives, today and going forward. Yes, that includes learning when to press (a great skill that will serve them,) but also when to pull back. In the grand scheme of life, college is just one milestone in that journey.
I do agree, without meaning to lay on guilt, that kids pick up cues from their parents. You fret, they sense it. It’s tough to set the bar high and expect them not to realize it.
We have to let go (or appear to) and believe in them, communicate that. Over my years on CC, I have come to see how many colleges, at different levels, have fine programs and great opportunities. I work for a big name school and no longer ascribe to the idea that public prestige is the “it.”
It is not always easy to get a kid off the hamster wheel. I have friends who tried to convince their high achieving daughters to take a bit of a breather and choose a lower level class in their areas of less interest. Both girls refused and accused the parent of not believing in them. The parent knew, rightfully so, that this would cause a lot of stress, but really couldn’t force them to pick a different class since the teacher had recommended them for honors/AP. These kids were aiming very high, achieved their goals and are now very successful and less stressed.
You can provide many models of success from less prestigious Unis, but if a kid has his or her heart set on at least trying for the tippy top (and the have a shot), do most parents tell them they can’t try (assuming finances are not an issue)? Some kids can handle the stress better than the parents or even thrive on it.
My oldest was one and done on the tests, but the other two took SATs twice (after PSATS in 10th and 11th offered by our district) and the youngest took ACT which I thought would be better for him, but was not.
Well - with a freshman right now at Vanderbilt and a junior in high school in the thick of several APs and honors precalc, I can totally relate to what you are saying… Our older one sacrificed a lot of fun in high school to get most of the top school acceptances that he wanted. Now that he is a freshman at Vanderbilt and its really not been a great experience so far, my younger one is seeing that and is relaxing a bit and we are telling him “do not sacrifice your happiness right now- for some perceived happiness in the future that may or may not happen”… We want him to be balanced and still have time to see friends, exercise and play guitar and if that means he has less top 20 or top 30 choices when he is a senior, so be it… In fact he asked if he can apply to Vandy and at this point we told him “NO” because we are not happy how they have handled the freshman class that is currently there… Yes - there is a pandemic but they are essentially enforcing a police state on campus, the kids are lonely, isolated,and terrified of getting in trouble… It’s not a good experience and we know of other students that have already gone home after being there just 5-6 weeks. So my biggest takeaway right now for the younger one in high school is “things change, nothing is guaranteed and make sure that while you strive to get into a university you want, do not sacrifice your happiness now only to be possibly disappointed once you get to said university”…
First of all, if your son is a sophomore, so college concerns can wait a year.
Second, my kids didn’t prep at all (beyond understanding whether to skip a question or guess). The time your daughter spent prepping could have been spent doing something she loved (and that colleges would have found more interesting than a 780 versus a 740).
For your son, there are many very selective/top colleges that don’t require or emphasize standardized testing (some do for merit aid). https://www.fairtest.org/university/optional
This list is only going to grow.
Another resource is the website Colleges that Change Lives.
It really isn’t necessary to live with so much stress. Not only are there many many excellent schools, but the top schools your family is interested in value authenticity and what an applicant can contribute to the mix on campus. Grades and scores are only a way to get in the pool.
Try to not even discuss grades and scores but help him scout out ways to pursue genuine interests.
I hope your son can enjoy high school without thinking about college at all for awhile.
ps As you know, comparing kids can be difficult for them: you mentioned that your son was more “kind” but also that your daughter has been helping him, which sounds kind to me! That said, if she is mentoring and tutoring him, I would be careful about her transferring attitudes, goals and stress to him.
The easy solution for your son is don’t do it all this crap. Don’t load up on 18 AP classes. Don’t spend endless hours doing test prep. Don’t take 25 ECs to build a resume.
Of course this means he needs to set his college focus to a good but not elite school where he can get a very good education, have a great experience, and get a nice job after graduation.
People need to stop feeding kids the BS that they have to go to an elite college or their life is ruined. Enjoy high school - take challenging but not overwhelming classes, join the ECs that you enjoy, and have fun.
We were worried because our oldest was NOT doing anything near this. He was busy but with activities he chose. Didn’t really have any clear ambition, got good but not spectacular grades, happened to get good test scores (but a fluke and not because he studied or practiced). But it all worked out in the end. He received a wonderful scholarship and is happy in college now. Has excellent grades and a real calling for his major. Great friends. A clear sense of his path after college. Gave me perspective for his younger siblings.
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